Time?? Counselling?? where to turn :(

[katapiller]

Hi, I am reaching out in the hope I may get some help/advice as I do not have a clue where to turn.
My 8 year old son, E, has had very regular visits to his dad in the 5 years since we split (alt w'ends, alt xmas', a week or so in summer etc) until a few weeks ago. His dad remarried 3 years ago and, although things have never been exactly rosy between my son and his step mum, things have really hit rock bottom now. She has always made it clear to both my ex and E that she wants him out of the picture eventually but since having their own son last year she has really stepped up her game. She has said many terrible things to my lad (that she hates him, that she wishes his dad would forget he exists, that he is bad inside . . . . . . and many more) I was so determined not to stop contact as E still desperately wanted to see his dad and new brother so I have tried to instigate mediation, tried to arrange to talk to her myself, sent letters, but she refuses to meet with me. His dad tried really hard to help them get along but no matter what was done she still has this huge issue with my son being around. She recently told my ex that unless he stops seeing E she will move abroad to her Aunts and take their son so he has done so!!! I had put a stop to E staying over the whole weekend a while back, as on top of the verbal stuff she started hitting his dad and I can not allow him to be around that, but they were still having days out alt weekend and whole weekend trips to grandparents etc as well as a couple of hours going out for tea one day a fortnight. That was until early August when she officially gave an ultimatum and now my poor lad has to put up with a phone call a week and a Sunday afternoon once a month behind her back.

It is breaking my heart to see how hurt E is by this, he knows she wanted him gone and is now very angry with his dad for, as he sees it, choosing her. He is finding it really hard to keep hold of his emotions, blowing up over tiny things etc. The last few days he has started telling me he wishes he was dead as it hurts too much to think about it. I have tried being gentle with him and calming him down, I have tired letting him yell and rant and scream to get it out, i have tired to be as honest as I can about the situation without being too hard on his dad, we have talked and talked and talked, but he is still struggling so much.

To see my beautiful, sweet natured, comical little man so sad and hurt and angry is the worst pain in the world and I just dont know where to turn.

I am now wondering whether to look into some counselling for him or do I give it more time?? anyone had similar problems??

Sorry for the HUGE post and thank you for reading

not really sure what to advise, but wanted to respond to say how awful for you, your son and his dad.
I cant imagine what this must be like for your son. what a teriible situation for your ex too to have to choose between his sons. Maybe he is hoping his new partner will calm down and things can return to how they were (which still sounds pretty strained and rubbish.
Counselling would help your son deal with how he is feeling with someone impartial and not emotioanl involved.

I can't understand how she can behave so horribly

Thanks Latemates. I appreciate your kind words. I think I was hoping someone will pop up with a "hey, try this" and it will be all ok again. Ridiculous I know I am just at a loss and I guess I thought anything was worth a shot :(

Even if she were to change her mind and decide to behave like a normal human E would not be going back to anything that involves contact with her, he has made it quite clear he never wants to see her again and I think that after 2 years of her treating him this way he has that right. In all honesty I think I would have to say no anyway if the decision was mine to make.

I do feel for his dad as he is in a horrible situation but I must admit it is getting hard to feel sorry for him as i am angry too, he has hurt our boy so much and it feels like he's just walked away. i know in reality he is probably beating himself up over it too but i am developing a bit of a not my problem attitude tbh. E is my priority and it is so hard to know what to do next.

If i look into counselling, i have no idea where to even start?? via school, the gp???

could you get together with your ex and discuss, make him aware of how detrimental it is for your son.

It also sounds like dad is get abused and it is difficult for men as the same undertsanding isn't there maybe he needs to be directed to some kind of support network.

Also the paternal grandparents - could your son continue having contact with them so that he still has regular conatct with paternal family even if contact with father isnt possible

we have spoken at length over the phone but she has forbidden him from meeting with me. I think he is really stuck as she is abusing him and like you say men just dont see that the same way, when i tried to talk to him about her hitting him he says its not domestic abuse as she is a woman and he will not get any help over this. he knows this is really messing with E but says that he cant let his marriage end or lose his other son.

Paternal grandparents live 2hrs away and are not in great health, E sees them when his dad takes him but they are not able to come here and I cant take him there as i dont drive. They speak on the phone as often as they like and i have recently sent up an email account for E so they can exchange photos etc.

There is a step brother (18) in the picture too but he has now refused all contact with E too at his mothers request. consequently E has lost a whole bunch of important people all at once and feels very lost.

I have a 13yr old Daughter (diff dad) and the 3 of us are very close and we talk about everything, she has been a great support to him but it is hurting her a lot to see him so sad so i am trying not to let him put too much on her at the mo.

My own family are 140 miles away and right now it feels very much like its me and the kids against the world. Apart from 4 years with ex husband i have been a single mum since DD was 1 and in all that time i have never felt so alone in my parenting.

My friends keep telling me E is better off without his dad but i really dont believe that and want to do all i can to keep him level with this mess untill we can find some way to make it better.