I just dont know what to do anymore

[MagicLlamaStrikesBack]

Both DCs dont have contact with their respective fathers, and Im fed up with it.

One is supposed to write and doesnt, and the other is a bigger jackass.

Im sick of it. Im sick of seeing DS2(6) face every time fathers are mentioned and how his face falls, and I know he feels abandoned by both his bio dad and DS1s dad who used to treat him as his own.

Im sick of DS1(8) dad being a prat. I dont understand why the fuck he cant write to his son like hes supposed to. Nothing for Xmas, 2 birthdays missed, and whilst DS says he doesnt like his dad I know it still hurts him that his dad doesnt give a flying monkeys.

I want to shake them both and maybe give them a slap around the face and tell them to step up and face their responsibilities to their sons.

I dont even have the energy to be angry about it all anymore. I just feel defeated.

Am in a similar position and I feel for you.

I think all you can do is accept your are not responsible for how they choose to treat their sons.
And let your sons come to their own conclusions about how they feel about their dads. Let them express everything and validate their feelings.

There really is nothing you can do except help your boys through it.

My own exes are knobs but I picked them so the basic fact is I can never shut the door completely on them.

And I wouldn't want to because I don't own my DCs...I always tell them that maybe, hopefully their dads will learn how to be better.
In the meantime, I tell them (the DCs) how great they are etc regardless of how their parents behave.

And actually the day I came to be more accepting of the fact that I can't control the situation was a very good day

Was quite liberating.

youa re not repsonsible for their behaviour.
you cannot change their behaviour.

all you can do is support your ds's however you can

great posts roomfor & cestlavie

Magic I hope my posts don't sound preachy, I think I am feeling slightly zen about it all today

If you don't have the energy to feel angry about it, then don't.
I know that sounds really simplistic but you acknowledge you are wasting energy and tbh, you should spend your energy on something nice.

My DCs are slightly older than yours and the pain my eldest has gone through has been awful at times.
Utterly awful for him, poor little bugger.

His father has taught him that he doesn't care about him is really what it boils down to, which is ultimately just sad because it is part of how my son sees himself.

My role in it was to help my son see it wasn't about him personally, it was all about who his dad is itms??
It does take constant re-assurance and re-enforcement of my love for him and it is a part of his upbringing that his dad could make easier with the odd phone call or letter.

My son has realised (on his own) that his dad lets him down, doesn't keep promises etc and has now learned to cope with it.
He is able to (unfortunately) not put store in anything that concerns his dad.

My youngest has a similar,if slightly better version.

It is/was/can be shit but I tell myself (and DCs) some things in life you just can't change or influence.
My DCs know they aren't defined by the fact that their dads don't give a shit (although I word it differently )

I hope you and your boys are OK

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I know logically that I can only be responsible for my own behaviour and not his, but emotionally I feel like its all my fault and I should fix it.

Im having counselling and im finding that really tough today especially

Just feels a bit shit really.

I worry about their self esteem, I have shit self esteem hence my pattern of abusive relationships, and I worry im not enough for them, and not enough to support them and get them through this shit they are feeling.

You have to get out the mind set of thinking you are not enough for them.

I know how hard that is if you don't feel great about yourself but look, you are having counselling so that is very pro-active

That is showing them you value yourself enough to try and change how you feel. That in itself is a great lesson for them.

How you value yourself decides how you will be treated by others. Everything you do has a knock on effect for your boys so they will benefit from your counselling so much. Good self esteem will become second nature to them because you gave them that grounding, that basic iyswim?

Keep plugging away at the 'good stuff' and the crappier bits like their father's behaviour will lessen.

you worry you are not enough for them, the FACT is, you are!
you are doing it, coping, alone.

what do you think a dad could give them?
happiness?
confidence?
love?
worth?
i think, none of the above.

all they need, is for you to love them unconditionally.

Thanks everyone.

Im having a bit of a pity party, and will be OK

what are you plans for the weekend Llama?