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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

So ex is on holiday......

14 replies

theredhen · 28/08/2012 13:05

With his partner and their new baby. Been seperated for ten years. Every single summer without fail ex has said he will "book something up and take ds on holiday" this summer. Managed it 9 years ago and not since. Learnt to live with it and I have always done as much as money will permit with ds holiday wise.

So why does he have to go on Facebook (ds us a friend) and put photos on of his holiday?! Talk about rub it in ds face.

If I pull him up on it, he will say he has some work in that part if the world and as his partner is on maternity leave, she came too. But ds aged 14 is on school holidays so no reason why he couldn't have gone.

I don't suppose ds will even bat an eyelid when he finds out, but it upsets me on his behalf.

OP posts:

shrimponastick · 28/08/2012 13:08

Hah!

I hear you on this.

My XP is married with new DCs. They have had two holidays abroad this year. Ds has been with me twice this year. Not once has XP offered/suggested taking DS with them - or just XP and DS for a couple of days. Nothing.

Fugging annoying.

And same as your DS - doesn't seem to care that thishappens.

Grrrr......

Original poster

theredhen · 28/08/2012 13:19

I really wouldn't mind but he keeps on saying how much he wants to take him away but never even manages a day out. He takes him to his house and ignores him when he does have him. It's so frustrating. I know I can't change him and make him a better dad but sometimes it's very annoying!

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 28/08/2012 16:45

redhen I am slowly, with the help of a counsellor, coming to terms with the fact that I cannot protect my DD from her Dads behaviour

Yes, it's horrible to see them upset, angry and let down by their parent, but in some ways it is doing them no favours to protect them from other peoples behaviour, even when that other person is their parent.

I've accepted that all I can do is give DD a positive role model and offer her support - what she chooses to say, think or feel about her dad is out of my control

Original poster

theredhen · 28/08/2012 17:08

NADM, I think I have come to terms with it and generally accept it and just get on with it but it's the blatant disregard of ds feelings that has hit a nerve this time. He has four children from his first marriage, three of which will have nothing to do with him now, so I know it's not me being unreasonable. I see them being so bitter towards their dad and I hope that ds finds acceptance when he's an adult too.

Dp and I relate counsellor has picked up on how I'm used to everyone letting me down and putting their needs first and how protective that makes me of ds when I see it happening to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

theredhen · 28/08/2012 17:08

Acceptance rather than bitterness, is what I meant at end of my first paragraph!

OP posts:

LittleSugaPlum · 28/08/2012 21:05

Spineless bastard, how mean to only take some of your children on holiday and not the others??

OrangeLily · 28/08/2012 21:11

On the flip side my Dad always took me away as a non- resident parent and I absolutely hated it. Far too long a time away from Mum, our normal rules, normal food, my pals, comfort zone, etc, etc

Was always counting the days until we could go home from whatever lovely holiday we were on. Not because there was anything bad going in but just because a weekend of contact normally does not translate in to two weeks of holiday!

Although these XPs are twats for not thinking of their kids it's very possible your kids are dodging a bullet here and at least two weeks a year of hell!!

Original poster

theredhen · 29/08/2012 07:23

Yes ds would probably be bored anyway! He's supposed to be having ds for contact this weekend after not seeing him for a month, but seeing as he's the other side of the country, it'll be interesting to see what happens!

OP posts:

Lookingatclouds · 29/08/2012 10:24

Oh thank you for starting this thread. I had to hold my dd last night while she sobbed about things at her Dad's and I felt helpless about how to make things better for her .

He is still living in what was the marital home, she had a bedroom there and used to stay with him regularly with him all to herself. Out of the blue he moved a very new girlfriend in with her 2 dds. She is having to share her Dad, her home and her bedroom. She even had to go with a camping mattress this last weekend . I think she'd be ok with sharing her room and all the rest of it, and even the rule changes that the new girlfriend seems to have brought in, but what is at the root of it is that she feels she no longer gets any one to one attention from her Dad and that he doesn't love her so much any more. She isn't a little prima donna either, she asked him if they could just go for a bike ride to the woods just the two of them and he refused and told her she has to share him now.

She has worked out that the other two children get him all the time, and she only gets to go there occasionally (he could have her as much as he wants but won't), and she cannot work out why the Dad who used to sit and cuddle her on the sofa, share a bed at time with her, etc etc is now telling her she can't go in his bedroom and makes her sit on the floor to eat her meals.

I am gutted for her .

And for my dsd - his other daughter - too. She lives with me after her Dad letting her down badly, she is repeatedly upset as he doesn't do anything with her either and he tells her he can't do anything with the family when dd goes there as there isn't room for her , and that he isn't responsible for her as she lives with me .

My heart breaks for them.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 29/08/2012 10:58

For what it's worth, (from the POV of someone who was that young girl who was left at home whilst Dad went off on holidays with his new girlfriend) you all sound like fantastic parents.

Once I got old enough, the best thing my Mum did was stop bending over backwards to try and make my father care/keep his promises etc.
It allowed me to see that actually she was the one calling him to get him to speak to us/trying to arrange visitation etc and it gave me the chance to decide if I wanted to take the entire responsiblity for having a relationship with him or not.

Just keep loving/supporting them and being their constant. You all sound fab.

And it wont be the absent/arsehole parent they'll be looking after through old age either! My mum always laughed about that.

Unfortunately, when my father was dying, I was asked to care for him, and I didn't. I wasn't cruel and I didn't leave him die alone or anything, but I did refuse to take responisiblity of providing (substantial, I should add) care for him in the run up to his death. And I know I did the right thing for me, DH and DS in making that decision.

When your children are older believe me they will remember what you did for them, you bloody wonderful people.

NicknameTaken · 29/08/2012 12:48

Looking, I really admire you for looking after your dsd as well. I agree with Gravy. These children may have poor specimens for dads, but they've got great mums!

Lookingatclouds · 30/08/2012 13:04

Thank you gravy and nickname, that has really helped. I had one attempt at speaking to him when it first all changed and he just got really defensive and angry. He's always been like that at me because I left him, but I never quite had him down as someone who would hurt his own children emotionally like he has. It's like water off a ducks back to me now, but when they are hurt I can't help but hurt for them.

Sorry theredhen, I didn't mean to hijack your thread with my rant! How are you doing today?

Original poster

theredhen · 30/08/2012 14:06

That's ok looking.

Well no more pictures on Facebook of him having his lovely holiday so maybe he's on his way home to see ds, but I won't bet money on it!

OP posts:

balia · 30/08/2012 17:52

What a shit. It doesn't seem to occur to them, does it? DD went to see her Dad (he was working away) in the summer holiday after we first split up, and never since. She doesn't bother with him now. I do remember having a very frank conversation with him about his protests of how much he loved her, would walk into traffic for her etc meant exactly jack shit when he couldn't be arsed to organise to have her to stay, but that only had a limited impact. With your DS at the age he is he'll have a pretty good idea of what his Dad is like and what his priorities are.

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