What makes a good dad?

[GemsAngels]

I was wondering if I could get some other opinions.
My soon to be ex thinks hes an amazing dad and says it all of the time. He says he has our 2 daughters more than most and pays too much maintenance.
I always say to people he is a good dad as I compare him to my own, who was semi non existant during my upbringing.
My friend thinks that my soon to be ex husband is a selfish pig and is not a good dad.
When he left to live with his new gf he continued to see our 2 daughters but not my eldest who isnt his daughter but has bought her up as his own from the age of 3. He is all she has known.
Before I say what he does as a dad or how much he pays I would really appreciate what you all think makes a good dad and how much he sees them, how much involvement he has in their lives. As I havnt had a very 'normal' upbringing, I dont know what normal is.
His answer to my questions are, your a single parent now, deal with it, Im busy, ask your mum.

If separated, I would expect to send my dc to would-be xp as they are. No overnight stuff, toys etc. He should be able to cater for their needs 100% while he has them, just as I would.

He sounds like a selfish bastard. 'Dropping' your eldest child because you are no longer together is absolutely disgusting - unforgiveable.

Praising a man because he 'does more than most' XP's is something I've often heard from both men and women. Just because so many men turn their backs completely on their children does not mean that the ones that keep up contact for a few hours every week deserve medals. It's the women that are there day in and day out, often with no social life and precious little money that deserve the medals but, surprisingly, you don't hear them boasting about what 'good mothers' they are.

Although he has been with his gf 2 years, he still goes to his mums with them. I dont question why.
He has nothing to do with their school or out of school activities.
Just one example. He has stopped paying his half of the mortgage and we are forced to sell, also behind on payments. He wont tidy house for it to sell. He has cancelled all insurances and we had a leak in the bathroom, but wouldnt go halves on the plumber. He said to use maintenance which was at the time 12 pound a week.

corlan I have said to him do you want a medal? I asked him if he could take a week during the summer hols as I also need to work, his answer was no as he needs to work. He has just had 2 weeks to go to shri lanka with his gf. He wont go over or above his times of access. Once I was stuck in traffis he went mental. If I ask him he says no he has plans. I asked him to have girls bank hol as I was completely skint as Iv had to entertain them for almost 6 weeks. He said no he has plans. He is living the life he has always wanted I guess.

GemsAngels- I think the fact he has ditched your eldest who isn't biologically his is absolutely awful- what a horrible thing for him to do!

Although, now he has been gone two years and has his own place I don't think it's unreasonable of him to stop paying half the mortgage. He needs to be able to have enough money to pay for his own home too, assuming he has the children over night to stay regularly.

Firstly, the fact that he refuses to see his children's sister, a child who has regarded him as a father figure since she was very young, is very telling on how good a father he really is.

Secondly, he stopped paying his share of the mortgage, and so has risked his children's home. I assume he did this without agreement? Doesn't sound like much of a good father here either.

Thirdly he refers to you as a 'single mother'. You're not. Your children (certainly the children you have with him) have two parents. If he was a good father he would be a co-parent with you.

Actually, he sounds a cunt. Sorry.

Firstly, he refuses to see his children's sister, a child who he has been a father figure to since she can remember? I don't think that makes him a particularly good dad.

Secondly, he has stopped paying the mortgage on the family house. I assume this was without agreement from you? Therefore putting the children's home at risk. I don't think that makes him a good dad.

Thirdly, he refers to you as a single parent. If he was a good dad, he wouldn't think of you as a single parent, he would realise that you are both co-parents to your children, although you no longer live together/

I would be interested in how much he has his children and what % of his salary he pays.

Whoops, something funny happened there

I think a good dad is one that NEVER lets them down, sees them without fail when he says he will. It doesn't matter how often. My exH sees DS1 every other weekend and has done ever since we split 7 years ago. He takes him on a weeks holiday a year too. He doesn't do more as he lives 2 hours away and we both drive an hour to meet at a service station on the A1. He is not involved in school as again he is too far away and works long hours.

He has paid me £170 a month for the whole 7 years. It's not gone up as he has had financial probs at times. But he's always paid it on time and buys DS1 new trainers, new coat, haircuts, cinema, football matches etc.

It's the consistency with the child that makes a good dad IMO, not how much he helps the mum out.

IMO, a good dad is one who:
? puts the needs of his children before his own
? cares for and loves them, regardless
? wants to spend time with them and doesn't find them to be a burden - time is as important as money when it comes to children
? doesn't begrudge spending money (where possible) to make them happy, healthy and secure
? treats the mother of said children with the respect that she deserves for having brought them into the world (regardless of whether or not the parents are still together)
? shows them a good example of what a decent man can be - responsible, caring, kind, thoughtful.

Your ex falls down on most/several of these.

A good dad imo, is one who is prepared to parent - one who makes unpopular decisions, says no, disciplines, doesn't try and buy his DCs with gifts and treats, doesn't undermine their mother or other authority figures, who isn't scared of the DCs refusing to see him, who supports the DCs to become integrated into his new life and who doesn't apologise or spend his life trying to make things up to the DCs.

A dad who does his best for them (even if his opinion and values contradict their mums) - but not at the expense of his own needs, health or wellbeing.

A dad who models positive relationships by considering the needs of his DCs alongside those of other people for whom he has responsibility.

A man who is just prepared to parent his kids. Teach kids right from wrong, lead by example, teach reliability, show an interest in their kids friends, schooling, health etc.

Work with the mother to parent the kids and accept some differences in parenting style.

Show the kids how to have fun, by doing nice things with them without just being a wallet.

Giving consequences and being prepared to be unpopular with the kids sometimes.

Teaching the kids that the world doesn't revolve around them but they are an important part of his life and are a priority for him.

Be prepared to work to provide for his kids rather than seeing dodging child maintenance as an "achievement".

I agree re being able to send the dc to contact with nothing - unless they want to take something. I am pushing my ex about this.
I would also think a good dad is one that understands his dc time with him is precious and makes the most of it. Dd is much more positive about days she has had exclusively with exp, sometimes just playing at his house. I expect a good dad to do the majority of their socialising with other adults during their non contact time and be able to give their dc most of their attention (I can only explain by example - exp has dd 1.5 days a week - if an nrp has much more contact I'm more forgiving if they have to do other stuff).