WWYD - ExH forgot to pick up DS yesterday

[ToddlersRFab]

Bit of background - ExH left me for OW last Sept (now his wife) and we have had an extremely hostile divorce and court access agreement since then. I was the one who instigated the court access to ensure that a routine was agreed and stuck to, and I also went to court to get a court agreement to ensure he stopped contacting me relentlessly - this has now expired but my solicitor has warned him that I will reapply if he starts the daily barrage of contact.

ExH didn't arrive to collect DS (4) yesterday, after I spent a 2 week holiday with him. (We had to use a friend to arbitrate holiday dates spent with son etc, and he made a HUGE fuss over not seeing him for nearly 16 days).

I do not contact ExH unless it is an emergency - I did not class this as an emergency as DS was fine with me. (Otherwise opening up dialogue with him results in it becoming messy and very personal).

ExH came this morning to collect DS and on the written handover note (I try not to speak to him if at all possible) I mentioned that he should have come yesterday.

He has now asked why I didn't contact him yesterday to let him know, and he has said he will reclaim the day at some later date, as it was a genuine mistake. I really want to tell him to piss off and he is a waste of space. (he harps on about FFJ and how he doesn't get enough time with DS) so how come he can forget about collecting DS when he was the one who stipulated the days he wanted to see him.

I am also conscious that he wants to go back to court in January and ask for the access to be changed so that DS spends 1 week with me and the following week with him. I am totally apposed to this, as I think DS will not know if he is coming or going. Therefore I do not want to do anything that might be detrimental to any future court agreements.

So I am asking WWYD.

Couple of things spring to mind here. You didn't contact your ex due to his past behaviour - that is the reason you didn't contact him when he forgot to collect his own child. Your are not responsible for him, for reminding him of anything, for organising anything to do with his court agreed access, beyond the agreement already in place, so again, that is a 2nd reason you didn't contact him. He's a grown up, he is responsible for his own life, and that includes remembering to collect his child on a date already agreed. You are expected to make your child available for contact. You did that.

Whether you want to agree to him getting an extra day at a later date to 'make up' for his failure to remember to collect his child is entirely your choice. If he wasn't such a complete arse, then simple misunderstandings/oversights can easily be rectified. His behaviour means that isn't possible and he will simply have to reap what he sows in terms of the consequences of his actions. I really have no time for people who question something that results from their own arsey behaviour. It's not rocket science to figure out why you would not contact him, no matter what the reason. In your shoes I'd be disinclined to aquiesce to his request for an alternative day. But that's just me.

Banana - thank you for the reply. You put into words my feelings exactly - I am starting to doubt my own decisions and thought process as I have been told on so many occasions that I am wrong.

TBH, it's a pain but I think it does sound like it was a genuine mistake. I would maybe have texted him yesterday, (I never ring exH unless it's an emergency, I text for a quick reply and e-mail for everything else.) Could you say that you will text him in future if he fails to turn up? Is it worth the fallout if you refuse this extra day sometime? It's just one day. Make it very clear that you are not setting a precedent, he can't change arrangements willy-nilly, that's not fair on your DS, (or you) but in this case he can have an extra day at some mutually convenient date.

BTW, my STBEX left last Sept and has now moved in with the OW. They may not marry, she's already been divorced 3 times!

The 50:50 access share, that's what the OW has with her poor DS (Wed - Wed) and my STBEX wanted me to fall in with that. It didn't get to court, he backed down after I got advice about the impact that would have on my DSs. I agree, it's very unsettling and they need stability and security with one 'home' but they do need to see their dad. Teacher friends of mine who see this sort of arrangement a lot say it leaves the DC very confused and insecure. He has them Thurs - Sun alternate weekends and for tea one night in the week. So they only have to go to school from his house once a fortnight.

How old is your DS? At 11 or 12 the courts will listen to their opinion, but younger than that they may not take their views into account. Sorry you have to go through this. I wish my divorce had come through, despite him admitting adultery I still haven't had my decree absolute. I fancy a wedding dress burning party!

Ellen, I am reluctant to give in, because when we were married I was the one who ensured he adhered to all times and dates for appointments etc. He choose to leave me, therefore I feel no responsibility to ensure he meets his obligations. And into the bargain he insisted he had DS for 2 FULL days over this bank holiday, therefore how did he forget, if his time with his son is so precious. I cannot accept it was a genuine mistake, he is just not careful enough with details, and only prioritises his DS when it suits him, or he cares to remember.

I want DS to have an excellent relationship with his Dad, and I have always encouraged the relationship. However I feel that DS (4) is too young to be away from home every other week. I travel a lot and I know how good it is be home, so I cannot imagine what it must be like to have 2 bases growing up. Who gave you advice on the impact this would have on your DS?

Good look with the divorce - don't burn the dress - sell it and buy yourself something nice with the proceeds :-)

Naw, I want to burn it! It's very 90's and large and meringue-like.

My DS2 has SN, he has high functioning autism and is in a mainstream school now, so I asked at his old special school. The 'advice' was just verbal, but I made it sound rather more official than that when I talked to dickhead, but TBH, I think he actually felt a bit guilty about his affair and the impact it would have on our boys (not bothered about me, of course) so he backed down. Some of the 50:50 access is about reducing maintenance payments, of course and nothing to do with wanting to do the best for your DS. Have you been the primary carer up until now? I expect so. Another good reason not to upset the status quo. And you have spent the last year providing a stable and secure life for your DS, trying to reduce the impact of your separation on him while allowing, even encouraging regular, reasonable access with his father, despite difficulties with his relentless and unreasonable harrassment. You have lots of arguments not to agree to 50:50. Keep the reasons all about wanting what's best for your DS. Sound good?

My solicitor said that 50:50 only usually works when both parties are in agreement, as in dickhead's OW's case, where she wasn't particularly maternal and wanted to be able to work full time. She works long days on the days her poor DS is with his dad and short days on her days with him and being Wed - Wed that means she can do 37 hour weeks every week. They have a very full child free life on their weeks off, lots of holidays abroad, entertaining, etc. (Bitter, me? )

Im not a single parent, but i am a step parent, and how anyone can "forget" to pick up there child is beyond me!

I didnt know contact orders/agreements expire after so long.

I think its very mean when parents are supose to pick their child up on set days, and then they dont turn up. So the child is then waiting with their coat on, looking out the window waiting for daddy :-(

If this is just a one off then i would let it lie, but if it happens again, then all hell would break loose!!