Choosing to be a single mum

[CryingRivers]

I have been realising a few things over the last year or so and I feel like it is leading me to a path I did not think I would ever choose. I am in my early 30s and obviously, like most people had thought one day I would meet someone. I have had a few longish relationships but am now single in a FWB type situation. Until a year ago I never wanted children but I have been thinking more and more that I would love children and that actually it is very important to me. I don't know if this is my biological clock- I imagine so :)

The trouble is how to go about this. Ideally I would like this to be in a stable family unit but I think that is getting less and less likely and I am fairly accepting of the fact that I am someone who will probably end up a single parent, either from the beginning or at some point during the life of my children and I feel like I would prefer to make the conscious decision to do this alone rather than have it forced upon me.

I have broached the subject with my FWB as to what he thought of this. He himself volunteered that he would love for us to have children together and would want to be involved in some way. While I adore him we will never be in a position to be together and that would not be my intention but I am very aware that our "relationship" means I would be uncomfortable with choosing someone else as the father (and yes- this may change). I have thought of a donor too but somehow it just seems nice that I would have a child with someone I know and like.

I come from a fairly long line of single mums and am surrounded by people with children in all circumstances and feel like I have some idea of the ramifications of this. I would not do this until I was in a financial and practical position to do it, assuming I would get no back up from the father in case things change. I have good family support and they are aware of my thoughts and behind me should I choose to go ahead. I know that there would be sleepless nights, loneliness and some really hard times and I would be going in with my eyes open. I know children are hard enough with 2 full time involved parents never mind with 1...

Am I mad?

I don't think you're mad. I was planning something similar before I met my DP. I also have a friend who was planning to do the same - until the man she asked to be her donor told her that he'd always had feelings for her. They are now happily married with 2 children.

I think there are positives to having a known donor - the child can grow up knowing who their dad is etc. But you do need to make sure you are both wanting the same thing from this - how much contact he wants to have, whether he wants the child to have his surname, or whether it really is donate and leave you to it.

Also if you are only early 30's you might be jumping the gun a bit, you still have time to meet someone -unless you are certain that isn't what you want.

In your whole post, you don't mention once the effects the situation would have on the child, who has no choice about the situation they're being brought into. It's not really about you and how you'd cope, it's about the quality of life the child would have and how they would cope without having a father there at all in the worst case scenario and how you would justify your choice to the child when they ask why they don't have a daddy like all the other kids in their class. I've raised my son alone since birth with no contact from his dad and it's incredibly tough on my son, I wouldn't wish it on any child. I don't understand why anyone would knowingly inflict that on a child.

Lucie- you are completely right about the child being the most important person. I HAVE thought about that and it is one thing which is making me unsure but I thought my post was getting a bit long I am aware that I have many selfish reasons for having a child.

I think I could offer a great quality of life to a child- that is why I would wait for a year or so until I was at a point when I could have lots of time with them, offer them a great home, be financially secure and they would have lots of other family around. Yes they would not definitely have a daddy (although to be fair they MIGHT) but they would have lots of other people in their lives. And I can say first hand that sometimes no dad would be better than a dad like some of us have... But I am thinking about it. Long and hard

I thought about this quite seriously a couple of years ago. In the end the reason I decided against it is that I did a lot of thinking and realised that although I felt (rightly or not) quite confident about having a baby on my own, I had a lot of anxiety/avoidance about adult relationships. I mean, I acknowledged that it wasn't just bad luck that none of my serious relationships had worked out up to that point. I realised that I actually felt much more anxious and uncertain about having a partner than having a child, and that for me "going it alone" would be the easy way out in a way. After thinking about it a lot, I felt that I would be a much better parent in the long run, whether I ended up doing it alone or with a partner (because after all anyone can be left/widowed or whatever), if I had at least made an effort to tackle my anxieties about relationships, and to try to have a successful adult one.

So I deferred the children issue and spent a year or so doing some therapy/generally thinking about my problems with adult relationships. Then I met someone and finally had the nerve to give it a proper go. I did find it hard and frightening and do still have anxieties about being in a relationship but 18 months on we are doing well and I am expecting a baby.

This might be totally irrelevant to your situation but that's been my experience.

Forgot to say - I'm 32 so a similar age.

Thank you Kiss and Kalidasa for letting me know I am not alone! I know I should be cheered by the fact you have both had children in a more "normal" way but I just can't imagine it happening for me (I HAVE had a sensible relationship in the past so know I am not completely incapable) I wonder if what you say is true Kalidasa though about avoidance of adult relationships. I have thought about that. I think a complete lack of examples of happy couples probably does not help but that is probably not something I should be passing on to a child... Food for thought

I was in your position, did not meet the right guy and aged 35 became pregnant. I'm now a happily single mum to a wonderful little girl who is adored and loved by many. I can honestly say it's not been that hard but I moved to be closer to my family for the added support that gave me and her.

I have several friends who have gone down the donor route and have wonderful children as a result. It is a reality and there are plenty of resources and contacts if you want to know more.

I'm rarely lonely, enjoy lots of time with friends and not just the mummy kind, run my own business to fit in with my DD's schedule and just adore my life with my brilliant, funny and beautiful kid.

I would heartily suggest starting to talk to other mums who've done it to see if it's right for you.

A couple-relationship is certainly not compulsory for raising a child. If your FWB is up for it and you can agree on his level of involvement, that's probably a better option than an anonymous donor.

I'm a single parent but in my case, DS wasn't planned and his father is an old mate of mine who I used to occasionally sleep with; he is very involved in DS' life and we all get on fine.

Thank you so much everyone. We will see how things pan out over the next few months and then we can have serious talks
Glad I am not alone in the idea! But lots to think about...

I'd say: trust your instincts. If it feels right, you will make it work.

Your LO will not necessarily suffer from being in a one-parent family. Half of all kids are born out of wedlock, a lot of our kids will grow up in patchwork or temporary families. Get a good support network and you'll be fine. You sound responsible.

I agree with Kalidasa that you might want to have a good look at yourself first, just to make sure that you don't overburden your LO, use him/her as a substitute for the man you don't have.

I had therapy after my last serious relationship broke up. I came out stronger and also more aware of my needs and vulnerabilities. It's now helping me a lot with being a single mum, especially that I don't have to be perfect all the time and that I have learnt to ask for help.

I had my children by a donor, and though knowing the donor is a good idea, the kid might feel resentful if you lost contact with them, fell out with them etc; or might just feel annoyed at the donor himself. We didn't know the donor, so my experience there is a bit limited. The best part about having an anonymous donor is it means there aren't any tensions between you two which could affect the child, and I have a friend who got a donation from another friend- he tried to be involved with the child, but it tore their relationship apart because it's hard to have kids with each other and not love each other.

If you can give a good quality of life to a child (or children), and are desperate to have them, then have them. It was a hard decision having my kids, and it can be hard without another parent to help, but it works out. My children are perfectly well-rounded and though they may ask a few questions about who their father is, they never want one or want to find him.

However, I had my friend who was prepared to help at any moment, and would always be on hand. She would often stay overnight and would help babysit, as well as my relatives. You won't be able to single parent without someone really close help you. Think it over and discuss it with people, and it feels right, do it.