Newly single mum

[milkymocha]

Dont really know where to start!
Two beautiful boys (2.4y and 5m) an Ex who simply caused us a miserable existance with his drinking/anger/irresponsible behaviour.

Does the pain ever go away?
Its not so much the missing HIM, its the missing someone there in the house, its so lonely. Sundays are the worst!
I feel like i have failed my children - especially my eldest who wonders where his daddy is.

He asked to speak to him tonight at bedtime, my heart crumbled knowing that its my fault that daddy isn't there to read him a bed time story.

I feel fine about coping alone. I did all the childcare anyway but, how do i handle the loneliness and son asking for his daddy?

I can literally feel my heart aching inside my chest.

I dont know where to start.....

Milky- it is NOT your fault. This part of being a LP is so difficult, but it does get better.

Thank you Bossy.
I have tried for the best part of a year to 'put up and shut up' for the sake of the kids but, i could no longer manage it. Ex did not want to split/leave so i feel the blame lies on my shoulders.

I've never been alone before so its all quite daunting at the moment.
Finding it hard to sleep tonight

I found the loneliness comes in waves and you find ways to deal with it. Eventually it ebbs and goes more often than you remember it. You'll discover such wonders as the film section on iPlayer (usually a couple of decent ones on there each week) and of course MN and Pinterest and Etsy or whatever floats your boat. For me it is now far more scary when my laptop dies as otherwise evenings/nights really are silent and unproductive! Days are fine, but know what you mean about being a 'weekend widow', as I call myself, from friends. It's only one day a week though that is really bad, with luck

Firstly and most importantly you have not failed your DC it is much, much better for them that they grow up in a happy home than have two parents.
DH left me nearly 2 months ago we tackle the wanting Daddy thing by DD speaking to him on the phone once she is bed that seems to help a lot.
It slowly starts to get better I haven't cried now for a week. I focus on all the benefits of being alone like not having to check with anyone else etc. I have pets who keep me company and have adopted a new little cat who has also been let down in her life. She and I are finding our feet together.

This is totally not your fault. I'm in the same position, it's been 2 weeks since my alcoholic (3 months sober) DH left. It's relentless and hard but you can do this and you are doing the best thing for your family.

Agree with the posters who are saying don't beat yourself up. It's not your fault that your ex has proved himself so irresponsible as to not be a good role model.

My ex sounds rather like yours- alcoholic ( recovering now), angry and irritable. It took me much longer to say enough is enough, but I am certain that is the right thing. I used to try and make it work for the kids, but I realised that all their childhood memories would be of short fuses, temper tantrums and me walking on eggshells. Not to mention falling of the wagon every few months.

If I sound bit angry it is because I still am- but I feel that's a lot healthier than feeling its my fault it didn't work. I just didn't have that power- that was up to him.

Please feel proud that you have shown powerfully to your children that bad and disrespectful behaviour is just not the way to go. Hats off to you too- I am sure it's not easy, but it sounds like you're on the right course!

Hi op you are grieving IMO, grieving for the loss of what you thought your future should of been, grieving for your kids because you wanted them to have a loving caring hands on father and the reality is so very different, I have been where you are, (been separated for nearly two years now ) it is a process alot of people go through, but this isn't your fault, we don't have a crystal ball you can't know that someone will let you and your dc down and behave badly, you will heal from this and your dc will adapt, but it doesn't happen overnight it's all about small steps each day.

Milky, I have been a lone parent since last Sept. I beat myself up at first by thinking that I didn't do enough to save my marriage and my son was going to grow up without his parents being together. It isn't easy at times, but it really does get better. And your DC will accept the situation sooner and easier than you think. They need love and stability, and you will give them that.

Have you got a good RL friend that you can talk to, because I find at night when you are on your own is the worse to deal with. Being able to contact someone and get things off your chest, or just talk about boring everyday trivia helps an awful lot, even if its just for 10 minutes.

And you must remember that your DC will grow and develop being with a stable loving mum, rather than have 2 parents and a difficult home situation. As Squeegle says "feel proud of your decision" because you made it for all the right reasons.

Keep in there, and post if you need some support - there is a huge pool of great people on here willing you to succeed. And we will all try and assist you on the bumpy road, and be there to hold your hand, or give you a high five when things go well.

Thank you everyone, i feel much better after reading your comments.
I do feel like iam grieving in a sense actually, as cruel as that sounds.

I feel like when i look into my future all i can imagine is lonely nights, days without my babies, cancelled family holidays and lots of whispering people.

Ex is a very angry drunk since his fathers death. I have tried to be very supportive since his father became ill.

I helped nurse his dad and relieve his mum of some duties in FILs last months.
I was there when he passed (Ex missed his passing by 5 minutes!) I organised all nurses/care. I gave all my savings over to help pay for the funeral, organised all the funeral,flowers, music, speeches, wake (my sister works at funeral home!), i was the one to take his mum home from the funeral (he was at the pub getting drunk with his cousins!) I lived with his mum for 6 weeks after and stay there regulary so she isnt lonely.

I did all this with a toddler and whilst pregnant. Thats why it hurts so much to be treated this way, i realise he is grieving (its be a year) but, what more can i do?

I wish there was a timeline to tell me when it gets easier!

Ah, it is horrible isn't it? I know what you mean about the bedtime story thing - it feels so unfair that Daddy isn't there to read a story. And yes, missing someone in the house is tough on you too. I really miss the companionship of being in a relationship, someone to talk about your day to, someone to make you a cup of tea etc etc.

But, as others have said, it's so much better for your DC to have one loving stable parent. And you will be happy in time. I'm 4 months into single-parenthood and, tbh, I'm not happy. I don't have that contented feeling inside that I used to have when I was with exP (he left suddenly, not my choice to separate, I thought we were happy). But I do have happy times now. I thought we'd never be able to do family outings again but yesterday me and DS and my mum went to a National Trust place and had a brilliant time.

It's just not how I thought my life would turn out and I'm still coming to terms with it, but I think I will.

Do you have friends and family around you? My mum has been really good at filling that "companionship" gap. I often phone her in the evenings and whitter on about my day and what DS has been up to, like I used to talk to exP and that helps. And my friends have been great at inviting me along to things, arranging nights out when DS is with exP. I can be a bit too self-reliant at times and I'm learning that it's OK to ask for help.

Keep posting here if you feel lonely, someone will know what you are going through and will respond, I'm sure.

I do have friends who would be very supportive but, i really struggle with telling people (in RL) my problems!
I think it stems from not wanting to make a fuss, i hate sympathy. Iam the one that everyone else runs to with their problems and hate feeling a burden.

Maybe i'd benefit from therapy? My head feels very messed up, like a puzzle missing some bits!

milky, I do feel for you. I am sure you dont need therapy- but I am sure also that as you are obviously a carer and a coper, and your other half is a drinker, you may have some habits which are not so healthy. In other words you look after others better than you look after yourself.

I found a book called co- dependent no more by melanie Beattie very useful. It taught me I was not treating myself with the respect and care I was giving to others. Quite an eye opener and worth a read I would say.

You sound like you're a tower of strength for others. Make sure you look after yourself.

Ps I am like you, I hate sympathy and people feeling sorry for me, so I often put on the stiff upper lip!!

I'm going to disagree with Squeegle and say that some therapy might do you good.
I had some counselling after exP left and found it very helpful. It was someone to talk to who was not involved in any way so I could say anything to her. And she helped me understand some things about myself and how I was trying to cope (keeping all emotion tucked away, another stiff upper lip here!)

I was able to get this counselling free through my work. If you are working, it might be worth looking into? Or if you are not working, your GP might be able to put you in touch with somone.

squeegle Thank you so much for the book recommondation. I will most definitely buy that.

You have managed to understand my personality in a few sentences lol. I love looking after people, it gives me great pleasure and dont see this trait as negative. But obviously some people are worthy of my kindness and others most certainely are not.

Ds1 is missing his daddy, ex has asked to see them today. Of course i want them
To have a relationship with their dad but, i dont want to put myself in a position of being manipulated whilst iam so vunerable.
Not sure what to do for the best, tiredness isnt helping!

Sorry, was not meaning to diss the value of therapy, agree it can be really useful actually. For me I was going through a lot of coaching at work which helped me see the light about personal relationships. Agree definitely that anything that can help us put things in perspective and see some of the destructive patterns can be valuable indeed.

Milky you sound very much like me. I have continued to work full time whilst exh lead me a merry dance until I drew an end to it - we have drinking and other woman here.
I found making lists very useful so I always have something to work towards. I also do the ironing in the evenings and watch all those trashy programmes I want to watch.
I am currently working on my garden to make it more a rose garden it is my fortieth birthday soon and I have asked for David Austen vouchers to purchase them. I am looking forward to looking after my beautiful roses next summer.