Hi everyone - this might be a long one so I apologise in advance.
After nearly 12 years, I asked my - now ex - DP to leave a couple of months ago... Over the years, there has been ALOT of 'bad' that has happened between us; he's smacked me across the face twice, caused upset between my closest friends and me, cheated on me twice - the first time I found out while I was 3 months pregnant and the other was an online relationship that I found out about when he left his details open on my laptop and went to work. He was also quite controlling and bossy. Sounds ridiculous that I stayed with him so long...
The main reason, I think was because of our 7 year old DS and also because I really did feel that I loved him. I grew up in a single-parent home and while I don't feel that I missed out on anything - it was just something I never
wanted for my own children.
While there were some truly awful times between us, there was also some good and I always believed him to be a good father who loved his son. When we would argue, with him telling me of all the awful character traits I had and I would ask him why he stayed with me, he would say it was because of our DS.
When he left, it was far less dramatic than our previous break-ups - I was really scared when I asked him, not sure of what his reaction would be. He was angry and when he left, I changed the locks and my mobile number leaving the landline open so that he could still maintain contact with our DS - which he did.
He would, however, call at all different times of the day which I felt was quite disruptive to my DS, especially as he was calling after DS's set bedtime on some days. This went on for about a couple of weeks and during this time, I had visited a solicitor to arrange a written agreement for my ex to have access/contact with our DS on specified dates and times - mainly to keep things as consistent for my DS as possible. When he would call, he would ask my son when would he be able to see him and so I felt that as things between us had not been great that it would result in arguments so I went to the solicitor in order to avoid this.
The first letter sent to him outlined the agreement, advising him not to contact me directly but to decide whether the arrangements would be suitable for him. He ignored their advice and called the same day I presume he received the letter (the same day I got the copy) bombarding my son with 'when is your mum going to let me see you' and demanding to speak to me - which I refused to do - especially in front of my DS. I spoke to the solicitor about this the next day, who wrote to him again stating that if he continued to contact me before the arrangements had been agreed, he could be subject to arrest and to contact the solicitor with his response to the agreements. Since then, 1 July there has been no further contact from him - stating whether he agrees or disagrees.
I know I made the right decision in regards to my relationship with him and I know some people reading this will think - why if he was violent to you, would you want your son to have contact with him? But, my son is really missing his dad terribly - I have just had another upset bedtime with him. I have always been a believer that when a relationship breaks down, that children should not be used to hurt the other person and would never keep my son from seeing his dad, if he was safe and that was what he wanted. I know that my ex cannot be forced to see his DS and if he decided that he would rather not, we could cope with that. It's the not knowing that is hard for me to explain to my son and if I am truthful - to myself. It makes me feel that he is just lurking around, ready to strike - maybe to take me to court or telling people that I am denying access - I just don't know.
Remarkably, he has made 2 payments into my account over the last 2 months which I presume is for CM - but as it was never asked for from me or the amount agreed between us - I'm assuming it is to avoid CSA payments...
When I kicked him out, it was after months of feeling really disconnected emotionally from him and feeling him distancing himself away from me - with his previous MO, my gut instinct was telling me that he was cheating again. Even if he wasn't, the idea that I would always live my life thinking that was enough for me to call it a day once and for all. The lack of communication from him is making me believe that my intuition was right.
To be honest, his ability to just walk away from his son astounds and disgusts me. I just wanted to hear from any other lone parents that had gone through/is going through this and how they coped? Every day that I'm happy that he is no longer involved romantically with me is marred with the thought that he could do this to our DS.
Is there anyone who could give me any advice/pearls of wisdom/words of encouragement out there?