Struggling with everything at the moment.

[sillymillyb]

Hi all,

I think Im about to rant as I can't work out how I feel or what to do about it - if anything. This will prob be long, so apologies. Feel free to ignore.

I have a 5mo ds, have been alone from, well, conception - his dad was a friend, and we had a one night stand. He was a shit when I was pregnant, really all over the place, but seems to have come around since then. He also lives in Ireland, so not local to me.

He comes over to visit once every 4-6 weeks, (he has met ds 3 times so far) and every time he visits, Im so bloody gutted and all over the place when he leaves. There is completely no romantic feeling between us, but we get on now as mates again as I ignore the fact he has been an unreliable twunt up till now so why am I so gutted? I mean, sobbing the lot?

When he comes over we sort of play happy families for the day - so I think Im grieving for that maybe? I don't know. I don't know how to stop it happening though, as Im a nervous wreck before he arrives and an emotional wreck for the next few days after he has left.

Im also so incredibly jealous of his life. We used to do the same job, and Im envious of his work life.... his social life.... his abundance of money when Im up shit creak..... the fact he can piss alone, sleep for more than 3 hours at a time, eat a sandwich without having someone sat on his knee. He has no idea about the sort of life I, or his son, lead. And he's not interested really either - not beyond superficial "hows your day been" questioning.

Im so tired of doing everything alone, and worrying all the time about everything. I need a break, and I don't know how to get one.

And then I feel so bloody guilty cos my son is amazing, and he deserves even just one of his parents to want to be with him all the time. I just feel like Im failing him, because Im knackered and I just cant be the sparkly interactive mum that he needs - and Im worried as I keep plonking him in the bouncer in front of baby einstein dvds.

Any advice on how I can move on from feeling the above? Or even what it is that I am feeling (cos I can't work it out)?

Thank you for reading this far, Im sorry for ranting. I think I just needed to get it out as I have spent the day sobbing intermittently for no good reason :(

It is so hard really to struggle with everything a child demands and to see the other parent leading life as normal but also getting to play happy families when they want. It does get easier. Do you get any financial support from him?

Oh dear you sound a bit depressed tbh, have you had some pnd?

Have you met other new mums? Joined a few baby groups?

I have been on my own since day dot with my dd (now 6yo) and I found keeping busy helped, too much thinking time not good! When dd was a baby I found having one thing a day, ie swimming, baby group, meeting friend for lunch was enough to keep me sane.

Are you planning on going back to work? I found when I went back to work part-time I really appreciated the adult company!!

Hope you are o.kay

I do, he gives me £250 a month, which is a lot compared to my income (im on Income support at present) but nothing compared to mine, or his old salary. I am struggling financially, and he is going on a long haul holiday next month. Which I know he has saved up for.... but still....

I need to stop feeling so jealous and angry, as it achieves nothing. I just don't know how to get over it. I feel really petty.

I had wondered about PND but the HV thought I was ok, and to be honest, most of the time Im ok. I think Im just surviving rather than enjoying him though, if that makes sense?

I haven't joined any groups yet - but new term starts in sept and I have signed up for a music class and some swimming. I think keeping busy is a good idea, and it makes me feel like I have done something good for ds rather than just hand out in the house.

Ahhh, what a bloody mess!

Being a lone parent with a 5mth old baby is hard work! Give yourself some credit and stop feeling guilty. Don't listen to the pretend super
mummy's who claim to be "really enjoying" sleepless nights, exhaustion and the relentlessness of a brand new person totally relying on your for everything every second of every day!

Try and make arrangements to see friends, without or without kids. Invite them over, go visit family, meet them for a cuppa etc. Have something planned to look forward to. Try and get out the house every day even just to pop to the shops or wall to the park. Your DS just needs his mummy, he won't appreciate or even know about any fabulous activities etc atthis age so don't beat yourself up for not doing any :)

Everything you have spoken about is normal fo anyone with a first baby even if they are with a partner, including feelings of jelousy and frustration about the partner who is out working and earning and still seems to be "carrying on as before" when the stay-at-home partner's world has changed forever. In your case, this is made a lot worse by being on your own. I have no idea whether or not you have pnd, but you are certainly going through a very difficult and upsetting ordeal so your current feelings are only to be expected. When I was alone with a very young baby, I remember the sheer anger and frusration I felt at running out of milk one evening and knowing there was no way I could have a cup of tea until the following day - not as major as worrying about the mortgage but indicative of all the daily things that make life more difficult when you are on your own with children.

It sounds as if it is worse when you have to see baby's dad. Is there any way you could leave baby with him for the day yet? Or even a few hours as part of the day? It would serve the dual purpose of giving you a few hours off and make the point (to yourself if noone else) that you are independent and certainly not playing happy families. Your life is very different to baby's dad now and the earlier you make the distinction of "otherness" the better you will feel.

The other thing is it will get easier and more rewarding, especially as your baby gets older. Single parenting is hard so try not to become isolated - join as many toddler groups or whatever as you can and take help from family and friends when it is offered. Best of luck.

I could have written you post last year, even the strange feelings for DS's dad (also friends and he had been a dick). It turned out to be hormone-related and I went back to normal reaction to him after about six months.

I had to get used to telling my friends I needed them to pull their fingers out and come over to see me, I then made them watch the baby in the salon while I got my hair/nails done, which helped to feel a bit less of a crap bag!

Sounds like you are doing a fab job, it is a bit of a grind until they are a bit bigger, IMO.

Totally agree with rosabud that a lot of what you describe is how new parents feel - I have read a lot of people's honest experiences on here to check if I was totally out of order!

I also think you could be greiving for a "normal" family set up. I was talking to another lone parent the other day and we were saying its not exactly the family life you dream of, doing it on your own. When I split with ds dad, I felt I was mourning the loss of a family I wanted (2 parents, 2+ kids) rather than actually that upset about breaking up with HIM.

However your ds is fed he can manage a couple of hours out of your care at this age. Of course if he is massively distressed or his dad is clueless about how to look after him you will have to make it gradual. But you need this break and he (dad) needs to become confident in calming and caring and playing with your ds for their relationship to work.

Also ask people to play with the baby or take him for a walk. Honestly it never occured to me to offer this when my first friend had a baby, I had no idea how hard it was. Lots of people would actually quite like the chance to hang around with a baby to see what its like or remind them of their own at that age. They just might not offer for fear of offending you by suggesting you aren't coping. You will feel better with a regular break I think, even if its paying for a little childcare.

And yes its is shit he can go on holidays etc etc but honestly when your ds gets a bit more responsive, you will get some lovely moments of connection and the achievement of doing a good job. He doesn't need a fantasy brilliant mum he needs his mum ie you. No-one does everything amazingly even with a supportive partner, grandparents on hand etc etc.

Try and congratulate yourself on what you have done well that day, not berate yourself for what was not perfect.