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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

50/50 in blocks - suggestions?

17 replies

Berris · 20/08/2012 21:52

My ex and I share care pretty much 50/50. We want to change the arrangement in time for DD1 to go to secondary in Sept (not long now!). Any suggestions of a good way to do it? I have proposed a way in the past which he wouldn't agree to, and was more keen to knock me down to only 2 overnights a week. DD2 would like to get some more mummy time, DD1 is more of a daddy's girl.

I'd like to get some ideas so we can talk through the options and try and find one that works.

Should add - no CO, all done informally and we try to be flexible to make it work for DCs and the 2 families,

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 21/08/2012 08:45

Why doi you want to change it? What is the present arrangement?

purpleroses · 21/08/2012 15:41

Are you needing to change it because only one of your houses is near enough to the school?

My DP has his DCs every weekend from Fri eve til Sunday evening - their mum just takes the odd one for a day here and there for ocassional treats. I wouldn't fancy having that little weekend time with my kids personally but it seems to work for them. (My DP can't really have them in the week because he works long hours)

If your DD1 can get to school from either house, and it's just weekly routine you want, you could split it so that one has one half of the week, and the other has the other half, and have alternate weekends. That makes it a bit easier for weekly routines to fit in.

My DCs go alternate weekends and alternate Monday nights to their dad's. We kept this in place when DS started secondary last year - he did forget which house he was going to a few times and ended up at the wrong one (fortunately we're only a mile apart). I used to write the routine into his homework diary which they write in every day at school and that helped him to remember. Now he always asks when he leaves in the mornings and seems to manage to remember til the end of the day.

Original poster

Berris · 21/08/2012 18:52

It's um....faffy at the moment, although its been done this way for 7 years! They do more-or-less alternate days - I know, probably insane, but our houses are only a couple of mins apart.

We tried to negotiate blocks of days last year - one of his suggestions was Weds/Thurs/Fri with me, change over Saturday, which I said would work - then he said tht it didn't suit him. He put forward Thurs/Fri with me, rest with him - sorry, no! I was working a Friday night at the time, so wanted a weekend night to work. I'm not working that job be, but would actually like to have a weekend night child-free - I have had it for the last 7 years, so I guess I don't see why I shouldn't now.

I agree that blocks of time in each house is better rather than the alternate days. My house is closer to DD1s school than the ex, but they are trying to sell that house. I just want to come up with some suggestions that are fair, really.

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 21/08/2012 18:55

DD has done one week with each parent for three years - she also starts secondary in a couple of weeks and I'm hoping that ex will become a bit more flexible - he times it down to the last minute at the moment!

NatashaBee · 21/08/2012 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotaDisneyMum · 21/08/2012 18:57

She swaps through school on a Friday.

NotaDisneyMum · 21/08/2012 18:59

DD particularly wanted weekends not to be split between homes so by alternating them it means we can plan weekends away -with or without her!

Original poster

Berris · 21/08/2012 19:25

I don't know if he would go for the Weds/Thurs etc one - I thought it was good because it gave an equal number of school pick ups and drop offs. Words such as "we don't want half days" have been used by DD1, who is (imo) a bit manipulated/brainwashed by her DF. At the moment, they have Saturday with me, then go to their dad's on Sunday. It is nice to have a full weekend day with them.

I think I need to come up with a few good proposals in order to try and facilitate this. He just wouldn't agree before and said we'd have to go to court - obviously that never happened!

OP posts:

DefiniteMaybe · 21/08/2012 19:30

could you not just do alternate weeks? Or is that too long between?
Or alternate weeks with a midweek tea at the other parents?

NotaDisneyMum · 21/08/2012 20:09

I agree - a week each, but flexible enough to accommodate school trips, dates etc

Original poster

Berris · 21/08/2012 22:29

I'll suggest week on/week off - I suspect DD2 may not cope with that though - she struggles at times with missing me, which makes her 'act up' at her DF's.

The other consideration, for me, is that I currently work FT, in a flexible environment though. The DCs SM has care of them while their DF is working, and it seems she does the pick up/drop off.

OP posts:

Original poster

Berris · 21/08/2012 22:32

I wonder if Weds/Thurs/Fri and alternate Saturdays would be viewed favourably. DD1 is 11, DD2 is 9, so old enough to have input. They're a bit 'I don't know' at the moment, hence trying to think of a few possibles to propose.

My mind keeps returning to my suggestion that was refused last time, so I'm struggling to get past that.

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 21/08/2012 23:31

If you can provide parental care for them and your ex is relying on others to achieve 50:50, then that's very different.
I assume though, that if you had the majority of care, you'd need to rely on childcare of some sort too?

Original poster

Berris · 23/08/2012 19:14

A bit, probably. At the moment I do 2 school pick ups, which I do myself, and it works around work, because I stay late on the other days. I'm applying for even more flexible work at the moment, so things can all change for me. SM doesn't work, so it would seem that she does the majority of care when the DCs are at their dad's.

The situation has pretty much always been that SM is home with them the majority of the time. There's been a handful of times that I've had to call on Nana favours to help me out, but I've even managed this summer holiday on my own.

I've suggested to DD1 the 3-3-4 thing (so basically alternate Saturdays). DD2 liked that one. DD1, not so sure - think she's finding it a bit difficult to get her head around it!

OP posts:

Athendof · 24/08/2012 09:53

May I suggest keeping to the current arrangement until December and once you all have experience of how the setting blends with secondary scool arrangements, to sit and find a solution?

Because what you need to avoid is adding more changes and stress to the ones of moving school. And if the things go wrong you would be in a better position to evaluate wether the arrangement is not working OR the problems you are experiencing are due to the upheaval of starting secondary school.

EverybodyKnows · 24/08/2012 09:59

Hi Berris - We did 5-2-2-5 at some point and it was by far my favourite rota.

EG:

Monday to Wednesday morning - MUM
Wednesday pick up from school until Friday - DAD
Every other weekend -mum , then dad.

FionaJT · 24/08/2012 20:14

My sister has two boys, split from their Dad before they were at school (now 14 & 16!) and has done a 50/50 split, a week with each parent, changeover on a Weds (so one parent drops them at school Weds am and the other picks them up Weds pm) for as long as I can remember. It has worked well for them, and the boys don't seem to have had any issues with it.

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