Today has been a really horrible day and I feel really down and am so disappointed with myself.
My lovely Mum had a serious operation today. We had been told there was a significant risk she wouldn't survive it. After 6 hrs in surgery she is doing well - I am so proud of her fighting spirit and so very, very relieved. She still has months and months of hard times ahead of her and will be permanantly disabled despite of this, but I am trying to remain positive for as good an outcome as possible for her.
After wishing her well this morning I thought the best way to get through a long and worrying day was to take my lovely boys for a walk in the sunshine, an ice cream and to feed the ducks. It was stressful from the start. DS1 (4)had a bee in his bonnet from the get go and was niggling the whole time. Not sure why but maybe picking up on my worries. However, with the support of a dear friend who came with us, both boys managed to have a nice(ish) time.
On the walk home he started to get more difficult and I must admit my pateience was wearing thin. By the time we got home he was just angling for a reaction. Normally I would completely ignore this, tell him to play in another room or garden until he could behave nicely to everyone, and carry on. Today I completely lost my cool and shouted at him and then proceded to list all his 'wrong doings' of the day so far and tell him off for them.
I feel really ashamed of myself for doing this. I know he's just being a normal 4 yr old and goodness only knows he's got enough on his plate. Exp only left in May but doesn't see the boys and this must be incredibly hard for them both but especially for DS1 (DS2 is still a baby).
To top all this I was cold shouldered when out by some people I am normally very friendly with on meeting (it's a tiny, tiny community) as Exp is broadcasting that I am stopping him from seeing the boys. This could not be further from the case - I desperately want them to have a positive relationship with their Dad and don't know what else I can do to get him to see them.
It all just seem a bit much today. I feel like a failure as a Mum, I am desperately worried about my own darling Mum and am not sure how to pick myself up from here.
Am sure all will seem better in the morning but just wanted to off load.