Not having such a good day today, actually I feel horrible

[sheepsgomeeping]

I'm mum to four dc aged 12, 10, 5 and 2. The ex to my eldest dc is brilliant but the dad to my youngest girls is a dick, he really is.

I kicked him out a year ago and since then its been very on and off with him but Ive noticed that if he and I argue then he refuses to see the girls, his attitude is if he and I don't get on then whats the point in being their dad . He gives me no money, or helps me do little diy jobs round the house saying he's tired from working a shop job.

I feel so crap after yet another row on the phone with him after he promised to look after the dc so I could have a break to him letting them down because I pulled him up on his apathy around his girls.

I have just sat and cried on and off all day because I feel so alone, I rarely have a break, my mum can't do much as she has fibromyalgia and I'm just exhausted from doing everything. I have so much that needs doing around the house and in the garden and Youtubing what to do isnt the anwer as I don't even understand the videos and don't have a drill!!

I am grump and irritable with the dc and I feel like such a shit mum. This is how pathetic I am, I am so envious at next doors marriage, he is currently mending our boundary fence and does his share of everything, I am crap at everything.

you are NOT crap at everything! You are a mum to four young DC. That's hard work! Everyone needs a break and you aren't expected to be superhuman. The thing is that sometimes single parents really are shafted when it comes to the usual opportunities for a break. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make him step up, but given that a fairy godmother is still to wander into my life, I'll make you a instead and pass the tin.

Have you tried to flip things a little bit in your head? It's dreadfully irritating when people tell you to 'think positively' when you would rather just stick your head under the duvet, but sometimes you actually can shift the really shitty feelings a bit. For starters, if you really put your mind to it, do you think there is there anything you can do about some of the stuff weighing you donw? Not necessarily about the crap ex, but about any of the rest of it? I mean, if you were really ill, or had to go away for work or something completely unavoidable, who would you ask for help then? If some of the jobs in your house were really dangerous to leave undone instead of just annoying, what would you do to fix them up? Sometimes when things are a real crisis it's possible to think about solutions more easily because not solving it isn't an option. If there are things you could do or people you could ask in an emergency, maybe you could do that now, in order to prevent yourself getting properly ill/truly overwhelmed?

I think if people who cared about you understood how fed up and upset you are they would really want to help you out. Can the next door neighbour not be pressed into service with the promise of a home made cake or something in return? I know it sounds like a bit of a glib suggestion, but you don't know unless you ask... good luck and please stop thinking you are a shitty mum. You really aren't! I bet your DC think you are a brilliant mum!

Thank you choco. I think half of my difficulites lie in that I find it very very difficult to ask for help because I'm terrified of being let down. I gave up my job because of twat letting me down and I feel depressed about that. I know my mum would help out on her good days but she can't predict her good days and she is in terrible pain a lot of the time.

The who would help in a crisis thing. I really don't know. I know my 1st ex would step up for his dc in a heartbeat but the youngest two well I don't know, both ex and I have no family and I have just my mum, he has no one to turn to at all (quite sad really).

I'll tell you something that just goes to show how little ex can be bothered. two weeks ago I asked him to put up a replacement baby gate in the kitchen to stop his dd from accessing the kitchen as I nearly burnt her on one occaision He did very grudgingly and did it wrong.

3 nights ago my 12 yr old ds, bearing in mind has adhd/asd, did the same job on his sisters door, put up a gate for me and did a great job. He took me down stairs and pointed out all the mistakes he's noticed about the kitchen gate, the fitting were upside down, he's missed out a fitting on the bottom and its too low and has scratched the flooring. ex said he was rushing and couldnt be arsed really. Unbelievable.

Ok Ive just put on a big pan of soup so at least me and the girls can have something to eat. My eldest two are in france with their dads aunt and uncle and I miss them so much

Wow your DS sounds like such a great kid to have around! You are certainly not crap at everything if you've managed to raise a 12 year old who is not only willing, but able to help you with DIY already!

I agree with Choco, once people realise that you need their help most people are more than happy to oblige. I've had so many offers from people I didn't even know very well before splitting up with H, saying that if I ever need them to help out with the DCs or just for a cuppa and a chat etc just let them know. Make sure you use all your school gate contacts, have some playdates at yours so that they owe you one in return (especially helpful if the they have 2 DCs the same age, so you get a 2 for 1 deal!)

Its probably not a bad idea to write off your ex completely if you know he will let you down, but don't confuse him letting down his DCs with letting you down. He needs to sort that out for his own sake, but it is no reflection on you at all.

I'm looking around at all the autumn jobs that will soon need doing and starting to wonder how I will manage without H around, but actually my neighbour has a big hedge trimmer which I will ask to borrow (preferably with a little tutorial on how to use it!) and I've already got handy with a hammer and screwdriver on a few bits, which I'd waited 4 years for XH to do! We are strong capable women and we are just as able as them at getting things done (if not more so, judging by his stair-gate effort!)

Hope you enjoyed your soup, I can't be arsed to cook today as its too hot! xxx

Sounds like you also need to sort out the relationship with your ex. He's not your partner any more so I wouldnt ask him to do stuff around the house for you (putting up baby gate) or position him having the DC as an opportunity for you to have a break. It comes across as still dealing with him as if he is your partner. Shift things onto a different footing (difficult though that may be) and I would try and not to pull him up on things or get emotional, just be business like and professional so it is clear where you both stand.

If your ex won't give you any money reliably and he's working then get the CSA on his case!

If you have jobs that need doing then although morally it would be nice for your ex to do them, he technically doesn't have to so you need to think about how you will get these jobs done. You can get no screw "pressure" safety gates for example that need no DIY skills. I had a lot of little jobs needed doing in my house last summer and had no one to ask. I called up handymen and asked for rough quotes if they came out and did the 6 little jobs. I then saved up some money (£50), called them out and the guy came and did everything on the same morning and I paid him. I realise finances will be tight for you like they are here but sometimes it is easier to pay someone than rely on someone who's shit and unreliable.

My ex is also flaky/resistant with contact and I too realised in an emergency I would have no one to help out. I have one DS who has ASD and people don't exactly line up to look after him. I arranged for him to go to the local child minder's one day a week after school for an hour and a half. It costs me £6 for the session each week. DS gets to mix with some other kids, and I have someone locally who DS is comfortable with who I can call on if I have an appointment or an emergency.

Be kind to yourself, it is hard doing it all on our own but we get all the good times too. Hope you enjoyed your soup.