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Lone parents

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Where next? Any advice....

3 replies

Seapixie · 17/08/2012 23:54

I have 2 DS aged 4 and 15 mths. I have been separated from their Dad since May (his decision - I am yet to really understand why). I have always told him that I want him to see the boys - the more the better for them. I have offered my house as he has no where suitable of his own. It has now been more than 2 months since he saw them or had any contact. I have tried to persuade him to see them around 120 times to no reply.
This evening I have been told that he is now living with his girlfriend: he maintains that he did not cheat on me with her, but admits he was seeing her the same week he left us. She is 14 yrs younger than me!
He pays no maintenance for the boys but I have always insisted that this is a completely separate issue to contact.
We are very geographically isolated and I guess I just feel really sad and lonely. Our boys are lovely, it really hurts DS1 that Daddy lives just 'calling' distance away but does not see him and DS2 I think, would now not be at all bothered one way or the other.
It is very difficult to see him parade him new lifestyle - drinks, parties, etc so blatantly in a really tiny and isolated community. More worryingly, it is becoming increasingly likely that DS1 will see him during the day with his new gf (I have bumped into them on several occasions but with DS2 either oblivious or asleep!) and I worry how he will feel/what to tell him.
I never wanted us to split but would be willing (as he well knows) to make everything as 'right as possible' for our boys.
I feel really alone, sad and at a complete loss as to what to do next.
Thank you to all for listening to my moans. xx

OP posts:
avenueone · 18/08/2012 00:33

OK - from bitter experience - he is out there building a new life for himself while you and your beautiful boys are left behind.
For a moment put your emotions to one side and think longer term.
Get a solicitor to send him a letter (a nice one) to say that you are looking to make contact and maintenance arrangement for your boys who you know he cares about. A regular pattern that enables them to have stability and you can all move forward. It is then logged at the very least.
Because - if this continues - you will adjust - and move on - and then he will pop back up when he has settled his own life (or it goes wrong with the OW)- wanting all sorts and if you disagree you will be told you are obstructing contact. If will be better for your boys that contact is maintained from the start and you can all live happily ever after - well we hope.

Seapixie · 18/08/2012 15:46

Thank you, it is good to hear helpful suggestions.
We are now settling down and the boys are happy. Although DS1 has commented a few times that Daddy hasn't been to see him "that's not very nice is it?" (his words - not mine - I have always been careful to only speak well of ExP; definitely don't want to hurt the boys more), I have not really known what to say. I have settled for - Daddy feels he isn't ready at the moment but when he is I'm sure he'll be in touch.
It feels awful lying, especially as I have absolutely no idea if he will ever change his mind and want to see them. At the moment, his life is one long, drunken party (it's much to small a community for me not to know this unfortunately), very similar to the way he behaved in the last months of our relationship. I had assumed, when we were together, that this continual drinking, failing to come home, sleeping all day when he did etc were as a result of him losing his job. Although he found a new job very quickly, his behaviour didn't change and I foolishly just tolerated it and continued to be supportive to him in any way I could. In reality I think that this lifestyle is actually what he wanted and now he has someone young enough and with no responsibilities to enjoy it with him.
I'm also torn as, although I want him to see the boys as much as possible, I refuse to accept them being messed around (which is what happened initially and then he completely stopped contact) and also don't want the boys continually in a pub, certainly not in the care of someone drunk, and preferably not with him hungover beyond belief! This is the reason I have not continued to try and get him to see them in the last couple of weeks, but this just makes me feel bad for the boys - would they want me to keep trying to pursuade him?
This is all so confusing!

OP posts:
avenueone · 18/08/2012 21:06

You will feel better when you have sent him the letter.

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