why is it all so hard

[teahouse]

Results out yesterday and I don't have kids that do brilliantly with results to be crowed about. I have kids that struggle but strive, yet like me their effrots will not be rewarded.

DS1 is at Uni and wants to train to be a teacher - he's dyslexic and dyspraxic and was in speech therapy from 3-11. I was told that he may never ride a bike but he's now taking driving lessons in an automatic car. But he won't get a first so may not get into a PGCE course.

DS2 is also dyslexic and not very academic but is a great film maker but may not get the results to get into Uni and thus not get the contact he needs to do the job he'd be fabulous at.

I have just 'celebrated' 13 years of being single...13 years without proper support (including emotional support from my family); 13 years of struggle, 13 years of not being enough for anyone, 13 years of not really being wanted (although my ex really didn't want me before then so it's probably a hell of a lot longer).

I have had counselling and now am having more but it doesn't stop me wanting to just run off somewhere (or wish I could just fall aslepp and not wake up) so I don't have to continue coping on my own. I have a stupidly demanding FT job and haven't had a holiday for nearly 4 years now (nor a BF for at least 6 yrs)

Life is so easy for so many people and I just wish my kids had a bit of that luck/good fortune. It's not their fault they have me as their mother - I can understand my not getting a break (I'm clearly not deserving given life has always been difficult), but they deserve better, and at least a chance at a better life than I am giving them.

Sorry for ranting but I have no one else to rant to at the moment, and the whole results thing really hurts when you know you can't support your kids as well as they deserve and you would like to.

sorry to hear you're having such a hard time at the moment. Please don't worry about your DSs' exam results or academic qualifications though, they really aren't everything. Your DSs have skills, ambition and determination, so they will be able to achieve great things, even if not through the most straightforward and obvious channels.

As for yourself, you need to give yourself a break (literally and otherwise). You've done a fantastic job of bringing up your boys without support from anyone else and you can continue to support them, but you must also look after yourself. Not sure the counselling is helping much by the sounds of it, what do you do for fun? How can you get out and meet some new people? (potential BF or just new friends who can reinvigorate you.)

Thanks for replying doingit. Just to add to the isolation it's nice to know no one else here can offer support either.
Sometimes I really do wonder if anyone would nice if I wasn't here...my kids for sure but beyond that, no...what a sad F-ing life I lead eh!

....I have felt as you describe teahouse and they were my darkest days....

Now my circumstances haven't changed that much in that I am single sahm with DS with SN and most of my life revolves around his needs and making sure he is ok, etc...for myself I have some interests but don't go out, I have no real friends and can go days without an adult conversation......I can sometimes feel satisfied if I've had a chat with a shop cashier...it can feel like an important few mins of normality and refocusing away from myself and low mood....I can immediately see that I have more to offer than the sadness I'm sometimes feeling quite lost within...iykwim

I know this doesn't sound very good (as it's not exciting or adventurous or whatever) but it's ok mostly....the thing to realise is that in reality...most people's lives are compiled of various issue's and nobody is exempt.....other people are not having more fun, etc than you may be....other people are dealing with things too....and absolutely everyone has their brave face on as best they can.....

Life has many parts, many good, many bad...highs and lows, moments, minutes and hours.....the thing to remember is this.....it will always change, it can never remain the same and it is important to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling but not allow it to swamp you entirely, but rather, allow it to flow and shift and change and see that these dark thoughts are not always there. That there is always more and holding on to that thought will help you move through and work towards an outlook which is a better one

I think you should really be talking to your GP and if you aren't taking any AD's...then maybe you should consider taking them....I'm not sure about the counselling you have been going to and might suggest you look at CBT if you haven't already....

((hug)) ...I hope you can think about the view and maybe look again and see things a bit differently that may make you feel empowered to keep looking forward and that you will find a better balance along the way...there is nothing easy about it though and I offer you my hand to hold.....xx

Being a teacher isn't about getting a first so don't let that stop him - make sure he gets plenty of experience with children/teenagers. Same applies to film making, experience counts not uni. Any local charities needing a free promotional film making perhaps?

Just to let you know you are not alone in feeling this way. I'm only 3 years in to being a main carer after xh had affair and left. Kids not doing well socially or academically. Have had a couple of dates but I've never felt treated well and it makes me feel I'm not good enough. Have a small no. of close friends but at the end of the day, there's nobody there to care that I've had a really hard day and am finding it hard to cope, and the reality is that I'm facing it alone. Everyone's got their own problems to worry about without worrying about mine. And what's to look forward to? Getting older alone, and (best case scenario) the kids leave home to have happy homes and families themselves, leaving me even more alone!

That's how I feel in my many low moments, but there are good great times as well. And I think the kids will really appreciate what I do for them when they are older.

You have a full time, demanding job. You've coped through the teenage years. You've obviously encouraged your kids to think high or they wouldn't have the ambitions they have. From what you've said you sound like you've done a brilliant job. You've set your kids off in the right direction - you can't blame yourself that things don't go 100% right for them 100% of the time. The hard times will make them stronger, better people and they will find their way in life.

Take care and just try to get some enjoyment from one day at a time. Who knows what's round the corner - you do deserve good times you just need to believe it yourself xx

I'm sure the lack of responses is probably due to the title of your thread - I didn't know what to expect when I opened it, but had I known how low you were feeling I would definitely not have considered skipping over it. Not sure I have much wisdom to offer, but I didn't want it to go unanswered. x

Don't take that to heart along with everything else sweetheart, its just the nature of MN - people tend to jump into things they feel they have a connection with.

I second the suggestion of talking to your GP about some ADs as you aren't just a bit down, you're obviously very low and talking about who'd miss you if you weren't here isn't healthy. Make a plan of action to start concentrating on getting yourself into a more positive frame of mind and then you'll be better able to support your precious boys in their endeavours too.

Keep posting too, if this thread doesn't get much traffic try a catchy title to stir up some interest! xxx

Maybe people just don't know what to say without sounding patronising? You are clearly doing a great job with bringing up your children in difficult circumstances from what you have said.
And you know, exams aren't everything - I left school at 14 but blagged my way into working on a national paper because, like your DC I was tenacious and I tried hard.

I hope you feel a bit better about things soon.

I was cooking a curry so didn't see thread.

I think being a lone parent is very hard at times...and then not so hard. feeling like you've let your children down is a horrible feeling but also a deceptive one.

Not only lone parents 'fail' for one thing.
Looking at other people is often very deceiving because you think their lives are gilded and they are struggling with issues we don't appreciate.

FWIW you sound like an amazing mother. 13 yrs of bringing up your DC alone and getting them to the stage where you are worried that one may not get a 1st at uni????? and you know the other is a great film maker?? That sounds like a massive success to me.

You just can't see it because of your tiredness and the constant unrelenting day in and day out sole parenting.

Step back and celebrate. You are a success as a parent.

You're just experiencing the exhaustion of someone who has worked to a goal and is close to it and pondering whether it will be reached.

Another thought which I would say to every single parent.... success is not always what we plan for our children.

Thank you folks for these.
Toothbrush, I am certainly tired...probably exhausted and stressed. I do celebrate the DSs successes and am very proud of them...I must do that more though.

I am having CBT at the moment and I hope it will help eventually but think stress and a general lack of support is my problem more than depression.

I will remember to try a snappier title nex time - thanks for the tip Doingit

Mellow sorr to hear things aren't great for you. Maybe we both need to take to heart Whats comments

Yes and such a deeply depressed OP is quite daunting - I certainly don't have the expertise to help you in any meaningful way but couldn't let it pass without saying anything in the hope it bumped things along for you. I think I had the most immediate responses to the title "fuck fuck fuck ...etc" which obviously got peoples' attention! Hadn't realised until then that the drama is what hooks em in!

teahouse - I know others have said it but you have two fab sounding DS's - think it is time to just think about yourself....................
You sound exhausted (I could have written this a few years ago).
Have you got any bubble bath? candles? a book? something that plays music - quiet or loud? just have some time with yourself in the house - then cuddled up warm and safe - get a pen and paper and start to make some fun plans. I'd put 1. Holiday - even if it is a short one. I love CBT - it takes some time but it works esp. for stress and anxiety.
Ultimately you only have yourself - so forget no support.
When I read threads like this and other people are feeling the same - makes me wish there was a secret room we could all quickly jump in and have a chat face to face.
The has been difficult for you but you have done it !!!
Next - the good times.. promise x

I feel like a reservoir. Work drain me. My elderly parents drain me. My very sick sister drains me. My children drain me. I love all (even work if I'm honest) but if there is nothing and no one topping up reserves, it's really hard.

I don't have many friends because I haven't got time for them, whilst giving time to the above groups. I also know that friendships require work and occasionally a bit of give and take and I've run out of give.

Whenever I am having a tiring tiresome time with my demanding life I remind myself that if I lost any of them I'd be devastated. Even work, because I need the money and sometimes it's the only adult 'friends' I see all week.

Which all sounds depressing... it isn't. It's just hard graft and I now make more time for myself. Housework pah. DIY pah. Garden pah. (I have just ironed but am sitting in a house screaming for a hoover....) Making time for me balances the rest

I think your kids sound great tbh. To have done so well while having dyslexia etc is a really good achievement. Uni's take in more than just good grades especially when they see kids have done well despite some problems.

You have bought up two kids on your won and they have both strived to get into uni that is one hell of an achievement on your part. Stop being so hard on yourself and look at what you have done well.

I have done 10 months of being a single parent and I have good family support and I still find it hard going and I only have one child. You have done a good job so feel free to give us some tips as I would love my DS to go to uni.