DD has told me tonight at bed time that she is angry with me because her dad doesn't live with us. Long post sorry

[MsBakingCakes]

So just that. DD (just 3 years old) has told me tonight that she is angry with me because her dad doesn't live with us .

We have been separated for almost two years and we now live with DP. She cannot remember when ExP and I lived together as she was very young. She has also told me that her dad has told her that when she was a baby we just to live in his house and that I was very happy . She added that I used to sleep with her dad in the same bed .

A few days ago she was playing in the garden and we were all there and we over heard her saying while playing that her dad could not live with us because DP lives in this house .

She is going with her dad next week and usually her behaviour gets a bit difficult before she goes to see him. She wants to see her dad but I think she does not want to be away from us (mainly me). She always has a panic moment before going with her dad saying that she wants to go back home an stay with DP instead of her dad. She loves her dad but he doesn't keep contact very well. We live far away (5 hours) and if she is lucky she sees him on skype twice a week and maybe he calls her once or twice a week including if she decides to call him.

It was my decision to separate and after a whole year of warnings the relationship came to an end. DD and I moved out of the family house because he was not willing to leave and later on we moved as I couldn't find a job where we used to live and moved to live with DP as I found a job where he was living.

At the moment I am not sure how to deal with this situation. I know that she needs lots of reasurance about going with her dad and making sure that DP and I are here waiting for her when she comes back. But how do we deal with her comments tonight? ExP is not an easy person to talk. Life with him was very bad and now we have an stability and we are happy. If I tell him what DD has told me he will denie it as always. DD started talking later as she is learning more than one language so it makes me think what else he has been telling her. He sees her every 8 weeks (his decision). Any thoughts or ideas on how to handle it? What could I explain her without saying that her dad is a terrible person? I am sure she will discover later on in life.

I just want to make sure that DD doesn't blame me for what her dad is saying and is able to understand that it is not her fault either. ExP is a very controlling person and can manipulate things very well.

Sorry for long post and thanks in advance

At three years old she is largely repeating what has been told to her. She has probably picked up on his anger (at you for seeing through him) when he told her these things and is now projecting that onto you.

He sounds very manipulative. Tbh if this was me (I am in a very similar situation to you but my ex isnt as bad) I would be having words with him. As you feel that isnt possible I think I would be reconsidering his access. She is showing reluctance when going and is coming back with information not suitable for her age. Its quite clear this man sees her as a weapon.

She wont hate you by the way. Once she is old enough you can explain why you and her father split up. By then she will be able to see him for the bully he is.

Hi wannabe. I know that she is repeating what he is saying, that is my main concern. Those words cannot come from a 3 year old. Talking to him is impossible and I know tha it wouldn't help so I need to know how to talk to DD about this having in mind her age.

I am very angry at the moment at DD comments knowing that they are not hers. I cannot reconsider his access as every 3-4 months he is threatening me of going to the English Family Law Court because he is not happy with this situation mainly us moving away from where he lives as he is not able to have so much control over our lives.

I don't want DD stopping seein her dad as I don't think this would be the best for her but I need to do something and talk to her and try to explain hings but I don't know how to do this

I can see your dilema. How do you tell her the truth when the truth is that her dad is a manipulative bully.

Im trying to think what my DD would understand. Shes 3.6. But I just keep coming back to how inappropriate he is being.

Couldnt you just say that sometimes mummies and daddies dont live together and that it can make them sad, but that it was noones fault, especially not hers. And then go on to point out all the good things about where you live now and that if you both still lived with daddy she wouldnt get to do x,y,z.

Sorry Im not more help. It really is so difficult. Im dreading the day DD asks why mum n dad dont live together.

Thanksfor your advice but I am not sure if it would work as he spends a fortune everytime she is with him. She always comes back with toys, telling us all the sweets that she has eatten and all the ice lollies. We don't buy sweets as we don't believe they are necessary although if we are with friends and she gets offer them she will eat them. In that way he seems the fun one while we are trying to educate a person to live in the world with principles.

Thanks again

In that case you are just going to have to ride it out and have faith in her to see through him when shes older. Buying childrens affection only lasts so long!

My DD1 is 6 and is still saying things like this, she's she same as your dd as in she doesn't remember us ever being together in the same house and My DH has been in her life as long as she can remember.
Her behaviour after she had been at her dads got that bad the school called him in to have words.
She still comes home now saying she doesn't want to live with mummy and DH because we are boring and daddy gives her sweets !! I'd get used to it if I were you !!

Can you tell her that, yes she was happy when daddy lived at home, but that was because she was loved and looked after and this is still true, so that hasn't changed.

That yes, you slept in the same bed but that didn't mean you were happy and sometimes grown ups do things that make them unhappy and that means they would be more happy apart.

That she is lucky now because daddy and mummy and your DP love her so she has more love in her life.

So you are agreeing with her in a way, but also helping her see she can look at it differently at the same time.

Similar experience here (in the past). He is trying to get to you. So don't let him succeed.

He doesn't care how confusing it is for his DD and tbh you cannot control what he says either now or in the future. Make sure you don't feel/become confrontational with her - just in a low key way empathise about how sad it is. Align yourself with her in feeling sad. It's not your fault. It's not your doing. So express how sad you feel about it ...whilst saying that sometimes very sadly mums and dads separate becuase they cannot live together happily.

You hope that you can all be happy now including her Daddy

Thanks everyone.

Newtothistuff: I guess another thing I will have to get used to it . Her behaviour is very bad also when she comes back but only in the house. She goes to pre-school and her key-worker says that she is fantastic and cannot she any change on her after being with her dad.

JennerOSity: Thanks for your advice, it makes sense to me. Next time this topic comes up I will handle it like that and see what happens.

Toothbrushthief: I know what he is trying and it does not affect me anymore. As I told him in my last email "I'm not scare of him anymore". It is just a shame that he tells her all these things without thinking of the consequences for her. I will remind myself not to be confrontational with her and I will emphatise with her feelings so she can carry on telling me how she feels and trusting me. At least she feels she can tell me all these things which is better than keeping it for herself I guess

Thanks again for your advice