Anyone else feel like they have lost all their maternal feelings?

[MsOnatopp]

When DS was born I doted on him and when I was younger, all I wanted was to be a mother. I was so maternal.

Then ex left when DS was under a year and was/is no longer on the scene. Suddenly it all turned into a chore and now he is nearly four I feel like I have missed the last three years with DS emotionally and am struggling to get that back.

I love him very much but I don't know what's changed, something has. Maybe feeling like his mother? Maybe now I just feel like he is someone else here that I have responsibility for. That is horrible. I can't believe I am typing this about my son.

It's very upsetting. :(

Maybe your vision of being a mother included being in a family with a partner. Now you need to redefine it to being a single mother - which if it isn't the way you were brought up, can be hard I think. Do you know any other single mothers, or know of any who you admire and look to for role models? I think that can help a lot.

I have a few friends who were brought up by single mothers who I talked to quite a lot when I first became one - helped me to understand how they looked on their families and mothers.

It sounds like the burden of 100% responsibility 24/7 has got to you and you need to recharge your batteries.
Once your DS goes to school, which can't be too far off if he is nearly 4, you will really miss him and this will change how you feel too.
Although I'm not a single parent, as a SAHM, I have most of the responsibility for my two DC and am extremely grateful when my DH is home in time to do baths and bed as I'm shattered by then. You have no respite from this drudgery. I really feel for you.
School makes children much more independent and you will appreciate your DS enjoying guidance from others. In the short term though you need to get a babysitter or some family to give you a short break, you need to rebuild your own social networks too.

Hopefully you'll feel more positive once your DS is asleep tonight.

Thanks for your replies. I have felt like this and known it but not wanted to say it for a while. DS goes to nursery for a few hours four times a week. I was delighted to have the free time and proud to see him having his own wee life too. It hasn't changed how I feel though.

I have no single mother friends, and don't really know any. I live in a small rural place. I am getting out slightly more now and the break still hasn't helped. I have always had a few free hours on a Saturday when my parents have him so I can get the weekly shop done.

I think you are right. I never saw myself becoming a single mother and have never accepted it. I know people who are the children of single mothers and have heard how they view their mothers and their family dynamics. It hasn't helped.

I still do all the mothering things with him and I do love him. It's just different now.

You are not only mothering your son, you are fathering too. It is a big responsibility and although you do have your parents to help out, you are using that short time to do chores.

Maybe you need to find a hobby/ sport that can be a mood lifter: finding time to do something pleasurable for yourself, giving you time off from your day to day life and helping you meet new people.

The people that know you in RL are probably really impressed with how well you are bringing up your DS.

You've said how much you love your son, that is going to shine through. Try not to beat yourself up too much, you need to be kind to yourself.

I'm new to this and don't quite get the abbreviations, but my son is 7 now and I have been exactly where you are now. So much so I fantasised about giving him up! It's horrific to say ( and think) but true. What I didn't know was that I was also pretty depressed. Is there a chance you could be too? It would be worth your while even talking to a GP about how you are feeling. Hang in there, things will improve. I had to make myself accept the fact that I was a 'single mum', I didn't want to face it either. Do you have any pets? We have a dog now and I must admit, my wee family feels complete. I also try and have a friendship relationship with my son at times, we go on adventures, lunch dates ect and it feels more fun than a chore. Not sure if any of this will help but I hope you feel lifted soon.

I'm just wondering what you think you SHOULD feel like?

You say you love him, you care for him and you're proud of him. All of that would count towards maternal feelings in my book?

Thank you.

Lost - Thankfully I am not at the stage where I would even think of giving him up. I do have depression and anxieties and am now (very recently) receiving help for them. I have only had one low day in a whole month :o
I can't afford to keep a pet atm, and am entering in to a new relationship so may not have time to accept the single mum bit properly. Maybe that will back fire later on in life, I'm not sure.

Bea - It's hard to describe. On paper I guess I am doing all the mothering things but it's that extra thing that changes you into a mum that isn't. I guess I feel more like an aunty that is stuck with her nephew all the time, does that make sense?

"that isn't there" even

You are very brave saying this I think and the replies are wonderful what great people there are one here.
My DS is almost 7 and I felt like that when he was about 2 (I was single from his birth). I was exhausted and you probably are as the emotional side of it drains much, much more that the physical. I thought I couldn't keep going but now just as things get better his d*ck of a dad turns back up and our world is rocked again but I am stronger and the last almost 7 years are so special - I even look back on the bad bits fondly.
You will meet people and get into a routine -glad you are getting help for your mental health - we need to do more of that in this country - I had it too and still dip in for a top up.
Bea - totally agree with you - I think sometimes when you are exhausted you don't see it though.

It will get easier. I would concentrate on what you do rather than what you don't - and leave things out, when I started to `cut back on the daft stuff' I felt better.