preparing my son for massive change

[avenueone]

after never having met my DS who is coming up to 7 - my exp now wants to see him and I am sure the court will allow contact they do in almost all cases unless there are serious threats which I can't say there will be as is a death. my exps life is so far removed from mine it is untrue. I have been lucky enough to keep a good job and we live a nice honest stable life with my ds involved in lots of outside activities, doing very well at school and has heaps of friends and fun and holidays. after abuse from my exp I will not be in his company but I have been told handovers can be done in other places than my home. my ex is a drug dealer (and user) on the dole. he lives is a rough part of a city we live in a pretty village. my DS has had a stable life all his life, my family and friends are good, honest people my DS knows none of his family and none of his friends. but he is his dad and I made a massive mistake believing lies and only uncovering the truth when it was too late - but I don't want my son to have to suffer because of my mistake.
I can't stop contact and all be it slow eventually he will get unsupervised (I know it will not be at first). There are plenty people without money who are wonderful don't get me wrong but people who choose not to do an honest days work to me are different. My exp can hardly look after himself - how will DS cope having such a different time and meeting such different people who don't care about working hard at school and being taken to sporting activities - not having a nice bedroom and toys and clean clothes. I worry about my exps temper but I can only do something if something happens and that will IMO be too late I will have caused my poor DS suffering because of my mistake.

As you say this will have to be very gradual. Has anything been done through the court yet? Or is it a personal arrangement?

I would take it very slow, who will supervise? If you can bear it you will be able to keep note of your sons reactions to visit, and it can be seen as facilitating the contact, and you can have a little more control.

Or is a contact centre possible?

My ds ended up very unhappy having to go through a similar but not identical experience, and like you I felt so torn. It was his dad, but my strongest instinct was to protect him.

As for the other things you mention, there is a lot of speculation, you know there is little point worrying about how he will react. Yes, he will meet lots of different people and be exposed to some things you would not choose for him. But some of it you have to bite the bullet on, if you are going along with contact, which it seems you are, they are some of the realities of it.

I remember I specifically stated I agreed on a trial basis, to be reviewed etc.
Do you have a solicitor you feel comfortable with ?

thanks for your reply. yes I have a solicitor it is about to go to the first hearing. I have not seen him since my DS was first born and he was verbally and physcially abusive so I can't be there with him at any time, it took me a long time to get over the abuse so I don't know who will supervise. My ds is saying he doesnt not want to see him and is upset every time I mention it. I am going to court as I want my ds to have a CAFCASS officer to listen to him so it is not just my word. i hope the contact centre would be a supervised one not just supported is it (I get confused it is all new to me) at least if his schooling is affected then they can also speak up when he first showed up out of the blue it scared my ds to death and the school asked me if something was going on. at least he is going through proper channels now. Guess my poor ds will just have to learn sooner than I hoped about the other side of life.

Oh your poor little boy. So sorry he is upset. You sound like such a great mum and provider for him.
But he must have some one who knows him around, surely to meet a total stranger? Hopefully him meeting the CAFCASS officer willhelpyour case.
When we went to a contact centre,there. Was a waiting room for the resident parents and a big room with toys etc for the visitors and children. We used to come in early, get settled and then ex would arrive and staff would take ds along the corridor to him. I didn't have to see ex, but I was in the same building, and ds could run -away- back along the corridor to me for reassurance.
I had also experienced abuse from my ex. Just being near him at contact made me sick.

Yes good also about the school picking up on it straight away. I was going to suggest you letting them know but thought it might be interpreted as prejudicing them against contact?

Good luck

I am sorry you have been through similar. that may be an option at the contact centre if it gets that far I would be mroe than happy with that myself but it just how ds feels. how old was your ds when we went? did he never not want to go? or how many times did he come to find you? (sorry for so many questions I don't know know anyone who has been in this situation).

Well our experience was somewhat different, in that we had contact at the centre when ds was a toddler , hence the running away, As he was just little then, so can't compare to your ds. but that broke down, he stopped coming. After a few years when ds was 6 he wanted contact again, which is where we meet with your situation, because it felt like him having to meet and make a relationship with a stranger.

So, we didn't use the centre again at the age your ds is now. I tried again to be amenable as also exp had been through his third rehab and seemed relatively settled. I agreed to an informal arrangement with exp, and to see how it went.
We met up together and took ds out to public places for a while. That was fine.
But when I started to fade out of the meetings, ds didn't enjoy it so much.
It was very hard for ds, he seemed to want to meet him, out of curiosity, he wanted a dad, but pretty soon after he got to know him ,he didn't want to go.
I had to keep encouraging him basically, but it was very hard as exp was still very unstable as I found out. But he was not involved in drugs then but still in the culture of ex users which is a club of its own.

I hope the contact works for your ds. It is worth trying. you will have to support him a lot which is hard if you are unsure if it's a good thing. But it doesn't seem clear if you are happy for it to go ahead, a bit reluctant. I can sympathise.
Sorry if I am not offering any useful advice.

I should add, the contact centre if you use one is only meant to be for an interim period while they settle in each others company. Then we used it for about 18 months which was a long time. But as ex kept being inconsistent, we would have to start over again. They were working towards him having contact outside the centre accompanied by the court welfare officer, who I think was like the CAFCASS, before they existed.

look up and speak to local contact centres first www.naccc.org.uk it will be gradual and if/when it progresses your son will be older and able to express how he feels about it so you cnaq then involve family therapist etc if needed

won't the fact that he is a drug user and dealer weigh against him in court?

yes but it will not stop contact.

thanks for the link. I will look into in more.