At the end of my tether!

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

Spilt with ex beg June. He left and moved in with his DF(heavy drinker) and bil(drug taker) he promised this was only temporary! Why did I believe the EA idiot!
He is self employed, so I am sure you understand what that means regards child support! Haven't had a penny and am pretty sure I won't see a penny either. Because of this I have agreed to forgo any child support payments in exchange for full ownership of our house.
We have 2 boys together who both have sn, both have issues over sleep, unfortunately at opposite ends of the night I am exhausted. Ex turns up every evening to 'see' the boys, which basically consists of him having a go at me for half an hour, then sitting on the sofa while the boys watch tv for 10mins then leaving!
Last night he told me he was going to look at a flat, a 1 bed, I asked him why he wasn't looking at a 2 bed, he said he can't afford one so when he told me the price I informed him that there where 2, 2 bed flats in the area for the same price, I gave him the details and he left. Today comes and I asked him about the flats, he announced he wasn't going to look at any of them because he has decided that he can't afford to live on his own. he then started ranting at me about how much it costs to live and how cold he possibly afford to live and have a life (drink and gamble).
He has now informed me that he won't be moving anywhere for at least another 12 months and he wont be taking the boys out anywhere while he sees them!
I just need a bit of a break now and then. I cant go out while he is here because he doesn't stay long enough, I have tried and within 20mins he was on the phone wanting to know how long I would be because he had to go!

Stop having him in your Ouse. He sees the boys outside or not at all.
Speak to social services about respite services for you as a single parent.

Totally agree about not having him at your house. my heart goes out to you. you will eventually get a support network around you it doesn't come overnight but you will. I didn't know social services offered respite services that is useful.

Yes social services do offer a small amount of respite. I have already spoken to them, they will do a review in September, until then we are entitled to 4 hours a week for our youngest on a saturday afternoon
ex is a nightmare he doesn't even let me know if he is coming to see the boys he just turns up and lets himself in he knows there is nothing I can do to stop him either, not until the divorce is sorted.

"He sees the boys outside or not at all"

That is correct.

No surrender.

I m sorry to hear about your situation. I am in a similar one with three children aged 5,3,1. Through counselling at Relate I have had to work hard at recognising what I wanted and then creating boundaries for my husband to adhere to. It's a bit like dealing with a badly behaved child unfortunately. I had to think really clearly about what is best for my children's well being first and then put into place some practical rules that their dad had to follow. Of course at first he was very difficult but once he saw I meant business, and that took a few months, amazingly he started to stick with the plan. My husband is very controlling but because he wanted to see the children he knew he had to follow the rules or he would nt see them. It was/is exhausting but less demoralising than when he was coming round, watching tv rather than giving them attention, eating dinner and then going off to his own home after insulting me. It takes time but be clear,calm and get support from whoever you can. He ll run out of steam in the end especially if you're clear you won't take any shit off him anymore. Good luck and keep in touch x

I think you have to treat your husband like your child: you show your child who's boss, and that she can't just run circles around you, and in the end she accepts that and starts to behave reasonably. A husband, especially an ex-husband, has to be trained in exactly the same way.

If you have paperwork to show that you have full ownership of the house then change the locks, if not keep the chain on so he cannot just walk in.

Do you have a friend whose house he can see the children at? He may not do much every evening but he is bothered about them enough to come to the house every day, this is a good thing. I am presuming you do not want the children to see him at his Dad's house, so if you present him with a viable alternative it will be easier. I know he should do this but, let's face it, he won't.

Thank you for your replies.
Part of the problem is there is no alternative, there is no way I am letting the boys go to his DF house. Also I don't have full ownership yet.
I discussed it with him last night, I just told him the current situation was not on and he has agreed to only come 3 days a week, for a few hours, and when he does I am going to go out (just joined a gym)
Just hope he keeps to it!