Ex making unilateral decisions on access - what to do

[Lovingfreedom]

Hi, I split with my ex in November when he left the family home. Two DCs 14 and 10. Ex has not worked for 10 years. He says he was SAHP. I say it was not by mutual agreement and he refused to go out to work, saying he was going to be a professional artist. I have bought him out of the house/pension etc. He tried to get me to sign over the child benefit book to him saying that I could still take majority of time with the kids, he just wanted the benefit of the resident parent status for benefits/tax purposes. I refused (he was really angry about this).

Well we had an arrangement, agreed by all, with me having the DCs 4 days per week and him 3. This was working fine and everyone seemed ok. Then after summer hols have finished he emails to say that he wants it all changed and that he's discussed it with the kids and they all agree that 50/50 is fair. I told him I preferred status quo, but offered a change in weekend arrangements and said I wanted time to talk to kids myself and take stock before making any further changes.

I was due to get the kids back today, but he's informed me that he is keeping them until Weds, thereby forcing his new regime of access. Short of turning up at the school and fighting over the children, I feel I have no option now. I am suspicious that his motivation in wanting 50/50 is more about trying to get some financial benefit than actually wanting to see more of the DCs. His suggested rota also includes me taking kids every Friday and 'asking him if I want to do something like go to the Book Club!". I'll happily spend Friday nights with my DCs, but I do resent his attempts to control my social life. He also frequently changes arrangements last minute particularly when he gets wind of me having plans. He uses phrases like 'well I would have thought you'd want to see the kids, but you obviously have something more pressing organised'

He lies to the DC, bad-mouths me to them (including telling them that I had an affair, which I didn't, although he did, several!) but all with a facade of doing what is right for the family. The icing on the cake last week was him emailing me saying 'don't come the mother crap with me'. Sorry for the long post but I am so sick of this and I really don't know what to do.

I have an ex like this - and after three years I'm still battling!

Like you, I'm reluctant to cause a scene in front of DD and so don't challenge his unilateral changes to routine or arrangements.

Recently, he's progressed to actively excluding me from parts of DDs life - such as intercepting parental permission forms or changing medical care registrations.
I've seen a solicitor and waiting for a mediation appointment - i fully expect to end up in court seeking a residency order, but even if the court award joint residency, I can ensure that everything is set out in black and white and so he won't be able to change it on a whim.

I have SRO and an ex who will exclude me from important decisions and prevent me from obtaing information on OUR child.

Oh it's infuriating. I'm really not sure how to deal with this. My solicitor says that I can withhold access if he doesn't abide by agreed terms..but I think that sounds like the kind of thing that would really upset the kids. Likewise a court order although atm looks almost inevitable.

I think you need to talk to the kids before you decide on a strategy - their opinions will count if it goes to court. Do they enjoy the current routine? Do they enjoy time with Dad? Is it likely they may want 50/50? Also, I'd try to put his possible motivation out of your mind. You can't prove he only wants more time for financial gain, so it will only upset you - try to focus on what would be best for the DC's. In any case, feeding and entertaining teenagers isn't cheap so he may not be massively better off anyway!

But one change does not mean that his way has to be the only way - you could write a sternly worded, but polite, letter (keep a copy) outlining the current arrangement and re-iterate the need for any changes to be agreed by both of you. Remind him you had requested the opportunity to speak to the children and reflect before any change and him unilaterally changing the existing agreement is not acceptable. Suggest mediation but also warn him that you will be taking legal advice in case he keeps the children longer than agreed.

Sorry - x-posted.

That advice (to withhold access) sounds very dodgey, TBH - have you thought of posting in legal? They are very good over there.

freedom it's a nightmare!

My ex arranged for a solicitors letter to arrive with me on the day DD returned to his care, which set out significant changes to the arrangement, to be implemented immediately, from DD seeing me every day (while he worked) to her not seeing me for a week at a time. It transpired later that DDs SMum was caring for her instead. He told DD that was the arrangement from then on, no discussion, no notice, nothing
I hated the thought of DD being faced with the situation of turning up at the school gate alongside SMum or my ex - I don't want her to witness a scene; and it would end up with me walking away from his bombastic and bullying attitude.

I avoid coming face to face with him while DD is present if I possibly can - last time he bit my head off in front of DD just because I spoke to her; he subsequently justified his behaviour (DD was with him not me) in an email that he sent because his partner had pointed out that I might have a reason to be upset!

I'm not looking forward to mediation; but at least I can say to DD in years to come that I did everything I could. She is rapidly becoming disillusioned as she gets older and realises how self-centred his behaviour actually is.

that should read me* turning up at the school gate alongside SMum

balia I do have the kids at heart here and like it or not, he is their Dad. They do want to see their Dad, of course and I don't bad-mouth him in front of them or let them feel caught up between their warring parents. He seems happy to take advantage of this though. The discussions seem to be about the parents rather than the kids having a sense of them/their welfare being the most important. He's gone in with a hard sell to them about the 'fairness' and his very strong beliefs about this as a moral issue etc (at same time sending me abusive emails and telling kids lies about me).

NotaDisneyMum sounds like you're having a nightmare with this kind of thing. I recognise the 'anyone but you' thing too. I keep finding out that while my ex has been wingeing for additional access, the kids are actually either at his mums, sometimes in his flat with my DD babysitting or at sleepovers in the village that I live in. Crazy!

Your children are old enough to decide. Ask them what they would like.

How can you have 50/50 weekly contact? You cant split 7 in half. Or am i just thick.

ExH wants Sunday to Tuesday nights with me having them Weds to Friday nights. Then every other Saturday.
I'm not saying it couldn't work. I'm pissed off though that he has barged it through without any consultation with me and without giving me a proper chance to speak to the kids first.
I asked for reasonable time to discuss it with them, think through practicalities and consider the best arrangement. He ignored all that. Where will it end?

In my experience, it will only end when he's got what he wants, regardless of what's in the DCs best interests - but he'll try his damnedest to prove that everything he's doing is for them

The other thing I've just found out is that the proposed changes to the CSA eliminate all liability for CM if there is an exact 50:50 split of care. In theory thats fine, assuming that the parents communicate - if not, then it could be even more devisive.

My DDs 50:50 is alternate weeks - has been since she was 8. It took a bit of getting used to, then worked well for a couple of years, but is starting to fall apart now - and Ex can't fulfil it without placing DD in the care of others even when I'm available. She has said herself that she's prefer to come to mine after school than go to her stepmums Mums house until her Dad finishes work

How old is your DD now NotaDisney? If she's over 12 then she should get a say. The trouble is though that the kids won't always speak out against an overpowering view from their parent. At least that's the case with my DD (14). She's said to me that she just wants to be at 'home' more of the time (ie my house) but then doesn't want to upset her Dad by saying that in front of him. Not sure she'd open up in mediation cos she wouldn't want to be seen to take sides. Sounds like you might start getting more time with your DD soon if she's expressing a preference and if it starts to make better sense in practical terms. Hope so.

So I eventually agreed with my ex that he could have the access he wanted (50:50) and on all the days he wanted. Now apart from making several changes to the weekends due to tickets booked by his parents (prior to our agreement apparently), it was actually working out ok.

However, he's now threatening to turn up to things that the kids are doing in the village where I still live during the days that they are with me. He's also made noises about going out for family dinners for birthdays. (but actually what he's written is that he was going to ask me if I wanted to do that but he's assuming, given how I was about the tennis, that it would be a non-starter).

The activities take place in a public park so I probably can't actually stop him, but it's controlling and interfering and generally the last thing I want after a day at work/my first day with the kids back. He's also sending long rambling emails about spending time together for the sake of the children but how I obviously hold a grudge and haven't I moved on yet otherwise I'd want to do that for their sake. I've told him that I don't want to spend time with him and asked can we respect each others designated days with the kids and space. He just whines. He seems to be saying that I have double standards but I never get involved with anything on his 'days'.

My latest tactic has been to threaten him with court if he doesn't stick to his days and not show up on mine. I feel it's virtually inevitable anyway...What option do I have? Any other approaches that might work?

I would ignore him. Like you say, you can't stop him coming to things in the park (though if you don't tell him what's going on when, he may not know). You don't have to allow him any more access though, and you certainly don't have to agree to do things all together (I would say it's him that's failed to move on if he's wanting this, not you!)

Ah yes, thanks Purpleroses. Just had an update telling me that he doesn't want to see me at all now, or for the foreseeable future. We have a result. At least for the time being. Thanks for your support.

'If I happen to be at the park one Wednesday and you show up then
you can either close your eyes or go home.' priceless!!

Unfortunately there is little you can do about him turning up to things regarding the kids on the days he doesn't have contact. From experience, a solicitor would advise that you would look unreasonable to try and block it from a courts PoV. As frustrating as it is.

I've just got this situation. STBEXH suddenly expressed an interest in volunteering at Beavers (never volunteered for aything before in his life) which is every Friday. We have alternate weekends andex also gets other time during the week, so I asked him not to volunteer on the weekend I have our DS as I felt DS who is a Daddy's boy would get upset at not going home with Daddy. It has worked well for a few months then email yesterday - "I'm now volunteering every Friday at Beavers". The idea that it is unreasonable to request the other parent not to see kids on the days they dont have contact must be dreamed up by someone who doesnt have to spend hours calming down an upset child who doesnt understand why Daddy is around again.

Hi veryconfused, yes my ex also keeps 'helpfully' organising things for the kids during 'my time' and communicating with them about things like he will meet them in town, arrange to meet them at the garage to fix a puncture etc. It is all about control, in my opinion. I'm hoping that he'll just get fed up with it and it'll wear off after a while. He was never this hands on, attentive or motivated in all the time we were actually married.

Hi Lovingfreedom - I absolutely agree with you that it is a control issue, not about the child. Unfortunately there is no sign of the interest stopping. He has been most peculiar about how he has introduced DS to gf - I was rather hoping that when she was more obviously on the scene he would be more involved with her.

oh dear lovingfredom. My ex was like this I decided that it was much too controlling and invasive of my family time so I had to say to dcs eg. if he had arranged to meet them in town on my day that 'oh dear we have to do xyz then dont we kids, daddy didn't check with me did he, nevermind you can go to town to do xyz when you're with him next week cant you.'

Keep it upbeat and breezy and the kids will get used to thinking that actually will have to check with mum about plans on mums days.
Make some definite plans, no need to tell dcs even if its only to get nw shoes or visit friend it has to be done.

Good luck in keeping him from coming between you and your dcs.

Thanks Mamas12. That's really good advice. I was kind of thinking along those lines. e.g. last weekend, he emails me to say can I drop off the kids at 1pm on Sunday. Now drop off varies (due to him) but earliest ever has been 3.30pm or something like that. But rather than argue the principle, I emailed back saying 'we've already arranged to go to xxxx, I'll drop them off around 4pm'. He was furious and accused me of double standards, losing the plot and all sorts...but it worked re the kids and actually he didn't try to negotiate or anything. if I'd just gone back saying 'ok how about 4pm?' he would have tried to 'split the difference' or something like that.

veryconfused I'm hoping that he will get a new woman soon as it might take his mind off getting in my way. He's taking an unhealthy interest in my 'relationship' including concern about whether it's wise to get into this so soon, or how he would have thought I'd be over him more, not hold a grudge towards him etc etc (and therefore want to do things 'as a family', be happy if he just pitches up on my days) seeing as I'm in a new relationship. Dropping hints about my 'active social life' and 'have other things on your mind'....etc etc..tosser!!

This happens to me frequently too and he most definitely did have an affair