How do I tell the children?

[3mum]

My H and I are splitting up. I will be divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour due to his adultery. I have been given the job of telling our children (10, 11 and 14) alone and I am very concerned about the best way to do this. They knew that he had cheated with this woman before, but thought (as did I) that it was all in the past. He will have them alternate weekends starting next weekend.

I have got as far as knowing that what I need to say includes that we both still love them and will always do so and that he is their dad whether he and I are married or not. Also that this is not something that they have caused.

I would really welcome some feedback about which things people found most helpful and (possibly even more so) things which in hindsight people wished they had not said in these circumstances.

Thanks 3mum

My DCs were younger than yours but I'll try to give a little advice anyway if you don't mind.

I just kept it as short as possible, then shut up and listened to any questions. I pretty much said what you plan to say (there was no other woman involved though). I didn't paint him as a bad man (although he is) but I didn't want them thinking he was a saint either. I tried to balance it by saying he had done things wrong and that meant we couldn't live together anymore.

Good idea to include 'this is not something they have caused' and to outline visitation.

Looking back, I wish I hadn't got so emotional although obviously that is very hard to control.

Good luck at this very hard time.

Thank you, that's very helpful. I think I do tend to ramble on too much so planning not to say too much is probably a good idea. I like the idea of basing it round "so we can't live together" too rather than basing it round divorce which they all know from school is the bogey word.

I said what you did too - and also "we're arguing a lot and not making each other very happy, so we think we will all be happier if we live in different houses". Very restrained of me as my divorce was over some very horrible "unreasonable behaviour" too, but despite that I tried my hardest not to badmouth him too, and a year later, I can see that it does help the children to believe you're on fairly polite terms (rather than knowing the unprintable stuff you really think!).

Good luck - it's a horrible time, isn't it.

Thanks. Yes I am trying to focus just on being a good parent at the moment and not let my feelings show too much.