Don't want ex to choose school for ds

[manforallseasons]

My DD (3) will start school next year and I know applications begin quite soon (dp is a school adminstrator). Ex lives in an area where schools are not that good and I want her to go to school near us. She stays here 2 nights midweek at the moment. We dont live too far away, its about 10 miles. Ex will not agree I know that. Can anyone tell me if DD will have a good chance of coming to school near us.

If your ex won't cooperate the LEA will judge based on where they consider the child mainly lives - they vary in how they assess this but usually go on where the child benefit it claimed from and/or where they spend most of the weekday nights (ie Sun-Thu nights) so sadly for you, 2 nights a week will not count as most.

Do you claim child benefit for DD? If not, I think your only chance would be if you could get the current contact increased to at least 3 weekday nights before the applications go in, preferably 4 nights a week so that you claim child benefit.

You are not really thinking practically for your daughter at the moment. Whilst 10 miles may not be much for you it will be an awful lot for a 4 year old.

You need to have a talk with your ex. School is not exclusively about education it is friendship groups after school activities the whole shebang. As she is with you mid week it may be useful to look at schools midway between the two of you?

Your Ex will most definetley have a say but then so should you... If you are reasonable this should go along way.

I think I would have to go to court to get my ex to change the arrangement that we have because she wont. How would a judge base his decision? I would pay for DD to go to a private school and ex doesnt want her to go to the one that we want her to.

If you're wanting private education then that is different - as you both haver parental responsibility in theory you both get a say in where she goes - private schools won't worry about catchment areas and where the child lives, etc. But in practice, if your ex was to say that as the main parent with care she would have difficulty getting DD to and from the school you prefer I would have thought that would be a strong argument. Would you be willing/able to fund her transport as well as the school fees?

One tip for you - when talking to your ex, make sure you say "I" rather than "we" - as if she perceives (rightly or wrongly) that it's someone other than you who is pulling the strings it is likely to inflame things.

Good luck

What you want comes pretty far down the list of considerations, to be honest.

If you were to make a specific issue of this in court, you'd have to prove to a judge that your ex's decision was not in your DDs best interests.
What are your objections to the school her mum has chosen?

I doubt it will be enough to say that private education is better than state, tbh - it is perfectly fine for the majority of DCs.

Thank you for your answers
I think it will be a better start in life for DD and she will have a step-brother at the school that is closer to me. DD is very, very bright and can read and write so I think she will get more attention in a smaller class and she is quiet so a smaller class might be better.

What evidence could you present that the state school that your ex prefers won't offer her the same opportunities?

You'll need to present the facts to have any chance of getting anywhere - and tbh, a non-resident step-sibling being at the same school is unlikely to make any difference - my two (DsS and DD) benefit from being at different schools!

I'm not getting at you - just highlighting the kind of questions a court will consider

I am not a lawyer but would have thought you would have very little chance of enforcing this, tbh. Can you try discussion?

What are your ex's objections? In princi

I know that it does not teach them another language and I think this is important. My DD loves her brother and that is what she calls him. I know she would love to be at the same school and so would he.

I appreciate your advice and do not think you are getting at me NotaDisneyMum

I am not a lawyer but would have thought you would have very little chance of enforcing this, tbh. Can you try discussion?

What are your ex's objections? In princiPle is she against private school, is it that it is too far away, is she comfortable with local state schools etc? Would paying school fees have any impact on child maintenance?

Would you expect your ex to contribute to the costs of the private school you are proposing? Trips, uniform and extracurricular activities tend to be harder on the pocket!

Also, even if you are prepared to pay now, what if your financial circumstances change? Would your DD have to change schools, for instance?

These are some of the questions I would be asking if I was your ex - its a huge step to commit a DC to private education, and one she will have no control over.

I am sure that she will not change her mind and agree to DD going to private school. Discussion is not possible because she will not give an inch.

When I have asked she wont give me reasons but just says no, and school near her is fine.

She wouldn't have to contribute but its up to her if she wants to but I do not need her to. I cant see into the future of course but my financial situation is good.

But you haven't given reasons either

You say the schools near your ex aren't good. Are they failing? In Special Measures? Have you visited them?
Your ex holds more of the cards here, but if you can make a case for your choice of school based on your DDs welfare and best interests, your ex will either have to engage in discussion or be over-ruled in court.

I do think the issue of long-term financial security is one for you to consider carefully, though.
You are proposing that you take on a significant financial commitment for your DD's schooling in addition to any child maintenance responsibilities, while at the same time, you are contributing to the maintenance of a home in which your DSC live. If your financial circumstances change, you could have some very hard choices to make - there was a recent post about this on the step-parent board, it created an impossible situation for everyone

Your ex is probably just worried about the impact of a decision like this. She might be wary of agreeing to private education, or disagree with it in principle. She might feel uncomfortable/ that she would have very little say in school based decisions as the non paying divorced parent. Maybe she worries it would begin to impact on the amount of contact she has in the long run if your DD goes to a private school near you. What about the logistics of your ex collecting/taking your DD from the school 3 days a week? Is that difficult for her?

Maybe you could visit the school/s your ex likes (all schools will accept visits from prospective parents) to see what they are like for yourself (apologies if you've already done this).

As far as the likelihood of your DD going to this school, I think it might depend on whether or not you have equally shared contact. If not, I think she could successfully argue that it will be in your DD's best interests to go to a school nearer to where she lives most of the time, to develop friendships, become part of her local community etc. If your contact is 50/50, you could argue that she would have the benefit of her brother at the school and smaller classes.

10 miles is rather a big deal for a small child and the parent who would presumably have to ferry the child back and forth. Private school is a big commitment. Are you willing to guarantee that you will pay the fees for the next 14 years?

Are you going to take dd to the school you choose every day? A 10 mile commute enforced on your exp 5 days a week is pretty unreasonable unless as another poster said, the local school is in special measures.

It's just as well you won't get your way on this - there are more differences between state and private than you imagine.

It's not just about funding the fees.

As someone who went private on a scholarship I can honestly say it was a miserable experience being the poor relation.

Sounds to me like you are trying to totally undermine you ex - perhaps if you have so much money to splash that you can afford 2 sets of private school fees you could perhaps take a large loan equivalent to how much the fees would be and give it as a deposit on a house for your ex so she can move to a place where the schools are better.

I say this rather than increased maint because you could change your mind about that whereas you couldn't about say increasing maint to help her with a bigger mortgage.

That is of course if the real issue is the schools where ex lives.

I would just add that it is common practice for private schools to ask if BOTH parents are in agreement about sending the child. And to ask both parents to sign to indicate their agreement.

If you attempt the state school option, it's not just about your wishes: there's another stumbling block in what the actual admissions criteria say about entry to the school near to you. Is it usually full/oversubscribed? Have you looked at the 'greatest distance admitted' footprint for the last couple of years?

For if DS does not live with you (and two days a week probably won't count, but check with your admissions authority) nor with the sibling already at the school, then it is pretty unlikely that you will be offered a place from an address 10 miles away.

Agree with both the last two posters. I moved into the catchment area of a good school because there's no chance of getting a place there otherwise. The op is using the ostrich method of logic that my exp would about how this idea would be logistically possible even if the child's mother agrees to it.

There is also a lot more to the private school option than just expecting better if you pay. Different private schools are run on various different ethos'. For example when I suggested to my exp that dd go to private school he immediately said - yes yes x school which has a heavy military theme - I was aghast. The school I want for dd is quite hippy and alternative - suits my values - not saying either us right or wrong I'm just explaining that state and private school is not the difference between Primark and Harrods!

My daughter went to a state primary as I thought it a better grounding for her as opposed to the perceived eliteness of a private school. It was a 20 mile round trip to the primary of my choice which I did on my own, being a single-mum. However, DD and I have made the decision together that she should go to a private secondary despite the fact her close bunch of friends are going elsewhere. Perhaps you could wait and see what kind of potentail your DD has and your ex may see the benefits in the future of sending her private to bring out the best in her. Your DD will be in a better position to have a say in the decision when she's older.

Why don't you have a look around for a group or perhaps a private tutor to take your DD to if you feel it is important for her to learn a second language? You could offer to take her yourself so it is not more ferrying about for your ex. Then she gets the benefits of a school close to home and the second language which you feel is important.

Who is the 'We' that you keep referring to?

Who will be doing the 40 miles per day journey to drop your daughter off, and pick her up from school ?

What are the issue with the school/schools your ex partner has chosen ?

What will happen if your financial situation changes in the future ?

What impact will being at school 10 miles from home have on DDs friendships/play dates etc?