Contact Arrangments. Does it get any easier?

[James30]

I am at odds with what to do and any advise would be greatly appreciated?

My ex wife and I divorced in Jan and she relocated overseas immediately with our toddler (E).

Prior to relocating we informally agreed contact arrangements, yet despite my efforts to maintain regular contact with E, my ex wife seems to be doing all she can to control and limit contact between E & myself.

Whilst I will always financially support E, I am now considering ceasing contact with her and E in the hope that I can form a relationship with E when he is older and in a position to make decisions for himself.

I love him ever so much and don't want to let go, but I just don't know if I am strong enough to take my ex wife's comments & controlling manner and am concerned it will do more damage to E and me in the long run.

my dh's ex was verbally abusive to him when he turned up to collect his son for contact, called him names to the child, demanded money before she would let child go and caused all sorts of trouble for him when she couldnt get her own way. In the end he stopped contact but did continue to pay child support. his son is now eighteen and my dh made contact with him, they speak and see each other whenever they can (250 miles apart). he does find it difficult to find things in common with his son but they are building their relationship slowly. Part of him regrets not trying harder but part of him still believes it was for the best.

Personally I wouldn't cease contact, this to me would be unthinkable, for the sake of E.

Obviously I have no idea of the details of your split or why your ex is behaving in this way - is it her normal behaviour or is it because she harbours ill feeling with regards to the divorce? If it is the latter, then one would hope that with the passage of time your ex will become less hostile. It isn't long since you were divorced. In that time your ex has moved country and will be adjusting to huge changes in her life - perhaps this is making her more stressed out so she is taking this out on you as you are an easy target for her anger. It is certainly not in the best interests of E that she is behaving in this manner, but unfortunately it sounds like you need to ride this out unless there are any legal means at your disposal. Communicate with your ex solely with regards to E and as much as possible via email. Don't get drawn into any other conversations. Remain consistent and reliable with regards to your contact with E, despite your ex's behaviour. Send postcards etc, anything that maintains some form of contact. Hopefully eventually your ex will realise that you are not going anywhere and that you have the best interests of E at heart. Are you able to Skype E? Can you visit? My ex is in a different country to our children but they have a good relationship with him, despite our split being extremely messy.

Thank you both for your responses. I have never been one for publicly discussing my worries even when their is a degree of anonymity but it all just became a little too much yesterday so thank you.

To give a little context, despite trying mediation and separation, in the end my ex and I were unable to overcome our differences and I decided to file for divorce due to her continued controlling and possessive behaviour (don't really want to go into as I find it still to raw).

Following Nisi, I was advised by my council not to allow them to relocate and to file for a contact and prohibitive steps order. However due to the limited contact she allowed during our separation and would undoubtedly continue during the proceedings, I understood it was probable she would ultimately be granted leave by the court, at both financial and more importantly emotional detriment to all concerned, but particularly E. I therefore allowed her and E to relocate overseas subject to various conditions regarding contact. Suffice to say these conditions are not being adheared to. I manage to speak to E once a week for a few minutes, I am allowed to visit once a month (flying in and out on the same day), I am not updated via calls, photos .... regarding E.

When I have tried to address these concerns via email (for record purposes), I have been belittled and told not to communicate via email as she would rather talk. Yet when we do talk the only response I seem to get, is that I am not in a position to comment as the absent parent who abandoned them, and that she knows best as his mother and will decide what, when and where any form of contact happens. I have now given up trying to address these concerns with her for fear of the situation escalating further.

Due to the limited contact I currently have with E I am not sure he even knows who I am anymore and am worried that as he grows older, unless my ex thaws a lot, her pain and animosity will rub off on him. However, being a first time parent perhaps I am expecting too much from a 2Yr old and with time he will know who I am.

I can to a degree appreciate that she has been through a lot of huge changes. However, I cannot understand why a loving parent would not want their child to develop and maintain a meaningful and loving relationship with the absent parent, irrespective of any animosity towards their ex. Am I expecting too much?

Whilst I could and have been advised to commence contact proceedings I believe this will only make matters worse and I suppose in the end, I just need to remain focused, positive and consistent not only for E but also my own sanity. I am sure with time, as he grows older and starts to ask questions, he will be able to influence the situation and will hopefully want to get to know his absent but loving father a little better.

Don't underestimate the powers of understanding of a young children. My youngest was under one when he last lived with his father yet via contact less frequent than you have with E and a weekly call (a level of contact which is my ex's choice), he understands completely who his daddy is and that his dad loves him. DS is now three by the way. He understands his dad lives in another country or on a plane! He knows that his dad calls him once a week and the day he will call (this is why consistency is vital). DS talks about his dad a lot, to everyone. As long as any contact you do have with E is meaningful and he enjoys it, E will get lots out of it. Despite the extremely negative feelings I have felt towards my ex at times, I always tried to put my DC first, hopefully your ex will eventually start to do this. Don't give up on E and good luck.

And don't be sucked into the phone calls if possible. Email all the way. Perhaps it is best as you say yourself to hold off on your concerns for a while. Let things settle down a little. Try to keep a positive tone in emails about all matters regarding E without taking the bait. I would disengage from the battles your ex is trying to have, if she doesn't get a reaction, then things may calm down in time. Then you will have a better footing with which to re-negotiate contact. And one other thing, if the calls are with Skype I recommend making them really child centred with puppets, songs etc (if you don't do this already). When I initially suggested this to my ex, he was well out of his comfort zone, but all credit to him, he has become great at entertaining our DC. They have good fun when he calls so look forward to it.

Thank you for your reassurances and I'm sorry for my sudden outpour but as I'm rediscovering, it good to talk.