ex now told me he wants no contact with DS

[Happylander]

I asked my ex to call the CSA today as I haven't received any money from them and as he went to them I assumed he would have to deal with it. He replied that he was not going to and that he now no longer wants anything to do with DS because he can't handle me for the next 14 years.

I tell him what I think of him when he promises stuff and doesn't do it and for not turning up when he should and for not sticking to the court order. Oh and I also told him exactly what I thought of him for trying to throw us out our home. I know I know I shouldn't but I am not one to be walked over and where our DS is concerned I will not have him continually messed about. Plus it has also made my life very difficult as I have to constantly change plans and cancel shifts when he fails to turn up so I think I am entitled to say to him that he is out of order.

He left me 10 months ago for OW and it has been hell since. He consistently fails to turn up and has a go at me when I refuse to change my plans with DS to suit his social life/holidays/weekends away. He thinks I should cancel whatever I have arranged with DS so he can swap weekends at less than a weeks notice. He regularly threatens custody and of taking DS if I don't respond in the way he wants me to i.e. not going yes okay of course. He can not handle anyone telling him he might be wrong and his behaviour is not acceptable and is completely unable to see things from my point of view and is only concerned with himself.

He should have had him all this week but failed to show up on Monday.

Anyway sorry for my angry writing but I am furious that he can do this to our son. I hate the man, I think he is a lousy role model and a very selfish person and very unreliable but he is DS father and so I have not stopped contact. There is a court order in place but what do I do if in a years time he wants contact with DS?? Will I just have to hand him over despite no regular contact and with the worry that he will just walk out of DS life again?

I am so sad for my DS he is a cracking little boy.

Happylander He sounds like an idiot.

Firstly I think before you go in varying court orders and the like it might be worth just letting things cool down. Hopefully although given some of your other posts its not likely he is just throwing his toys out of the pram.

Perhaps a letter to him, saying you are sorry that he feels that he no longer wants contact with your DS. Obviously you are supportive of contact and feel it is important. You acknowledge that realtionships have been strained between you, but feel allowing this to be a reason for no contact with DS is wrong. You therefore propose that instead of flexible contact arrangements, and communication between you, you instead go along sticking rigidly to the court order. In the event of XPs social commitments meaning he is not able to have DS no alternative contact would be given. You expect 1 weeks notice of contact he is unable to take up by email. This means he does not have to "deal with you" yet still allows him to have a relationship with his son.

You then stick to that rigidly. If he doesnt turn up when he is supposed to, 15 mins after arrival time you text him (So you have a trail) saying you are not here to collect DS as per the court order.

Then after a period of him dicking about with contact like that you got to court and get the contact reduced - once a month maybe or something.

I wasn't making any comparision between you and my ex. happy, I was explaining how conflict can cause serious issues.

Don't bother telling him off he wont listen anyway.

Yes but there would be no conflict if he turned up now would there

I have tried saying that he needs to stick to contact order but he doesn't. Everything is done by text or email anyway as he lies so much I refuse to speak/discuss anything on the phone and need written evidence of conversations. I have said to him in the past that no matter what I say/think of him it should be separate from him seeing Jake and that his relationship with Jake is separate from whatever crap relationship I have with him (ex not DS).

Just been reading through the texts I have saved to my laptop there are an awful lot from me saying 'please come and see our son' 'why are you refusing to see him again' 'why are you not turning up again' etc etc Lots of me going 'you do not need to keep texting me about contact that is already agreed you just need to turn up'

Texts from me asking him to attend the pre-school open day and asking him whether he would take the time off when it is his first day. Begging him to see him. Asking him to be involved in the 50 things to do before your 11 3/4.

Reading them back makes me dislike the man even more. It is all very very sad.

Happy your thread is so painful for me to read, for me the situation is reversed but the outcome is heading in the same direction.

I'm struggling against an ex partner who does all she can to sabotage contact, keeps me out of the link as much as possible, the list goes on and on, she rang tonight and told me our dd's don't want to see me this w/e, I don't know if it's true or not but I bet she's been encouraging it if it is.

I'm seriously considering giving up and walking away because it's having a serious effect on my mental health now.

I am sorry for your situation. Have you tried mediation? I suppose you have by now though. My ex refused this.

Just keep trying. It is painful but at least you can show your kids that you kept on trying.

How can your X have a court order, mess you and your DS around but refuse mediation . Total utter fuckwit .

I hate the courts allowing absent parents mess their DC's around. It should be a three strikes and your out rule, he really doesn't sound worth the energy. Children need good parents, not a blood relative who turns up every so often . I hope you can get it sorted, even if it's just to protect your DS so you know where you both stand in the long term.

Hi can i just say what about the children..? I can break the court order but he cant ? Iv got two boys and have been going through the same problem for 9 years.. he takes me to court and has them maybe twice at the most then dissapears for one to two years then i recieve another court hearing date ? i have always said yes but now my boys are 11 and 15 they last saw there father two years ago in which he just dont show..? how can he be allowed to take me to court time and time again and break the order..? he pays nothing ! my last court fees were nearly £500 and i am a lone parent working my ass off to support them and having to take days off work which i cant afford to attend.. what about my rights or my sons rights.. he gets legal aid how ? when he breaks the order.. I accept there are fathers fighting to see there children and in not one of those mums that has ever stopped him infact iv begged him to have them as they have a older sister of 22 who is severly disabled...? Iv still worked and suppored them why cant he and why does this happen.. why is there no law in place to help the mums that have had enough and im sure if hed had to pay i wouldnt be going back yet again... This time i am going to fight it for my sons i dont want them thinking this is how a parent behaves it takes two to have them and iv single handed had to raise them..! Iv always said its there right even though i left him because he nearly killed me..? its a messed up system and so painfull for these poor children..

Totally agree with you. There is nothing to try and prevent the NRP from breaking the court order apart from less contact which is what most of them want anyway.

I am sorry you have had to endure 9 years of it. Your children are old enough to make their own minds up now so hopefully the courts will see sense next time.

I'm still confused. All the CO I've seen are an order on the RP to make the DCs available for contact. There is nothing that can be 'broken' by the NRP, as the court does not order them to do anything.

What wording is used in the Contact Orders that can be enforced on NRP as well?

There is nothing in the CO that can prosecute the father for not follwing the order only the mother or the caregiver..! At the end of the day its about the children and its those that suffer and usually the caregiver.. I even gave him parental responsability hoping hed stand up to the mark.. Ummm nothing changed and i cant even revoke that even thougth he is not taking parental responsability finacially or otherwise.. So im back in court sept two years sinse my boys have seen there father.. wheres the justice in that ?

NotaDisneyMum wrote;

What wording is used in the Contact Orders that can be enforced on NRP as well?

Since December 2008 contact orders with a warning notice attached are supposed to be served on both parties and either party can apply to court for enforcement. See s11 Children act 1989. The problem is enforcement is for the benefit of children so unless there is evidence that irregular and inconsistent contact is causing the children significant emotionally harm (the threshold for the authorities to become involved) the isn't a great deal the court will do.

Okay. Thanks for that advice. My solicitor is going to write him a letter which hopefully will make him think about what he is doing...doubt it will but I have to have some hope he won't just abandon his child.