Am I asking too much of my BD?

[OOmama]

I want my childs father to be fully involved in his life. First my son is 7 months. The first 4 months he helped out alot, watching the baby while I worked, so I asked for nothing in return. Then he started watching the baby about 25-30 hours a month. I started asking for diapers and formula, which he supplied. I recently took him to court for child support. Now he only wants his 3 hours 3 times a week. I want him to be a willing participant in my childs life. How do I get there without making him feel bad for not being there? Am I asking too much? I feel that nothing is ever enough for a child, never enough: love, time spent, affection, support ect... not material things. He feels he is doing enough and is making me feel aweful for expecting more... am I crazy??? HELP

I don't know oomama - you say he was the baby's carer from birth, yet you describe it as 'helping' you, which kind of belittles his role from the start. Then he provided what the baby needed, and continued to be a carer....
and then you took him to court? and you describe the baby as 'yours' rather than 'ours'....
it is all a bit confusing.

Thread carefully, you can take a horse to the water but you cannot force him to drink. The most difficult you make things for him, the less likely he will get more involved, particularly if he has done a good effort to be there for the baby.

It may not seem much to you, but this is the first time I heard of a non resident parent taking care of such small baby for months to enable the mum to work.

I'm assuming you have issue's in sorting out maintenance with your ex before you took him to court?
I imagine the fact that he was sharing the care and costs whilst you were working was cancelling out the need for maintenance payments at that time.

So 3 times a week for 3 hrs is set in stone is it?...or is it that this is a regular arrangement but will be negotiable?

I get the impression that your expectations are maybe a bit high and this could be causing frictions....ultimately this is effecting your ex and may be the reason he is feeling he is being pushed out and is avoiding the negativity from the situ too....

Yes he has responsibility, yes he has obviously proved he wants to be in his childs life as much as possible.....but you aren't necessarily seeing this positively at the moment....
Maybe you should step back and make sure your ex knows that you are happy with whatever arrangements he wants to make and it can always be negotiated and work together to do the best for your child....if this arrangement is ok for now...just go with it I'd say...

He was there alot to begin with up to 45 hours a week. So I was not asking for anything else. Suddenly he dropped to this 3 hours 3 times a week (his choice), I could no longer carry the monetary burden alone and asked repeatedly for help. I have gotten a total of 5 cases of diapers and 6 cans of formula. (in four months)While I thanked him repeatedly for those, I am in a sinking ship. When I asked him to help more all I received was " I am doing the best I can." But on the other hand he has had parties all summer long of up to 30 people. He was providing food and alcohol at all these, but can not seem to help with child care or dr visits.

Mary- I do consider the baby mine and not his due to the fact that he, in the last 4 months, has not been there for him. Unless he has the baby at that very moment, my son does not exist in his world. Its like he has become an inconvenience.

Sorry to be blunt but that attitude is going to land you up to the neck in rubbish. Yes, you have a baby but din't forget the non resident parent trump card: they can abandon child and responsibilities and swan off as if they had never existed. So, play this intelligently otherwise you might end up shooting yourself in the foot big time.

And remember, it is not your or his baby, you have been trusted with a child to raise but that baby only belongs to himself. You are here just to help him through.

If you are working, look into the tax credits route to get some help with childcare but don't ruin the already slim chances of this child having a father in his life.

your child has a mother and a father who need to respect each others roles within making this childs upbringing a positive and good one...to the best of their ability
I'm sorry...this is not only your child and I suspect if this is how you have been conducting yourself, then I would imagine that your ex has responded to that and has been pushed out or been left feeling he is just a convenient babysitter whilst you work, etc and maybe you haven't seen his pov in this.
I imagine he has his reason's for changing his input and maybe your attitude has been a part of that.
Maybe he is also feeling that if this is your child and he is just a convenient babysitter and you have been treating him with this lack of respect...then he is also digging his heels in and not feeling he should have to contribute to a child he can't consider his own....
I really think you need to try and stand in his shoes and try to appreciate the position he may feel you have put him in.

whilst you are working you need to rely on child care and apply for tax credits, etc to help with these costs. It isn't your ex's remit to stand in when you need child care. He needs to be in a position where he can arrange time with his child when he can and as much as he wants to....and what he does outwith his time with his child is his business and nothing to do with you...

I imagine that this change from your ex has been a result of the way you have dealt with things and he has felt the need to withdraw...and is making his pov quite clear now....

You probably need to do some soul searching and address how you plan to move forward...with your childs best interests at the heart of your decision's...

look into the tax credits route - I think the OP is in the States......

Oomama

Did he start visiting less and then you took him to court, or was did you take him to court and then he visited less ?

.... And is he now paying CM ?

He started visiting less.. from almost 40 hours a week to 27-30 hours a month. He only wanted to take him while I was working because he wanted me to spend as much time with him also.t And it was helping me financially. It just seems the older the baby gets the less he wants to be there. After 4 months of the dwindling hours I took him to court for support. I tried asking repeatedly for help and proved what I was spending with receipts. I asked him what he thought would be fair to help support his son and it was always silence and ignoring the conversation. Thats when I went to the courts for help. This friday will hopefully be the first time that I will receive a little bit of help.
I do appreciate the bluntness!! I need the opinion of someone completly removed from the situation.

The father of my son has a 15yr old, and I have 5 children from a previous marriage.