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Original poster

Hate that DCs will have different surname to me, how did you get over this?

21 replies

miamama09 · 07/08/2012 18:50

Just as it says really...
Getting divorced, for some reason I am really dreading having a different surname to my DCs. I'm not keeping his so that's not an option!

Has anyone else struggled with this and how did it get better?

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 07/08/2012 19:07

I kept my married name.

Can I ask why keeping yours isn't an option? How about if you think of it more as your DCs name, rather than your ex husband's?

Happylander · 07/08/2012 19:29

I changed mine back too. I never really wanted to change it to ex's anyway but I did as it made him happy couldn't wait to get rid of it when he left. The way I see it is my DS is a person in his own right and his name is his name it doesn't belong to anyone else only him...not sure if that makes sense.

exexpat · 07/08/2012 19:40

Mine always had a different surname to me - I kept my own name on marriage, the children have my name as a middle name, but use (late) DH's surname. It never occurred to me to be bothered by it. They are my children, names don't affect that.

STIDW · 07/08/2012 19:40

I kept the same name as our children.

MissKeithLemon · 08/08/2012 12:01

I have two dc's and we all have different surnames Blush It took a while but I eventually stopped caring what other people think Grin

Sometimes, for fun, I triple hyphenate us all if I feel we are being judged Wink

NotaDisneyMum · 08/08/2012 12:24

I was adamant that I was going to change my name when ex and I split; two close friends who had been through it told me to wait a bit - and sure enough, after a few months, I decided to keep my married name after all!

Ironically, my ex is now trying to encourage me to change my name - refers to me as Ms etc; he's remarrying and wants to try and eliminate any evidence of his first marriage! Grin

neverquitesure · 08/08/2012 12:34

My stepson has my husband's surname (although him and his ex were never married) and he uses both his Dad's and his Mum's surname depending on the situation.

So he is registered at school under his Mum's surname and for all after school activities but uses his legal surname for flights, doctor's registration etc. It seems terribly confusing at first but actually it's not and he really likes it because it pays homage to both sides of his family.

How old are your DC?

workshy · 08/08/2012 12:40

my DCs have got their dad's family name

it is their name, a part of them, and means they recognise that they are still a part of their dad's family (same name as their GPs)

they KNOW they are a part of my extended family because I am their mum and it really doesn't matter what their name is or that it is different to mine, I am their mum and they are my children

Original poster
miamama09 · 08/08/2012 18:42

They're only 3 yrs old and 7 months old.
I don't know why it's an issue for me. I may well keep his surname, I'll take your advice and wait awhile... Took me years to formally change from my maiden name to married name on my passport anyway!

OP posts:
thereslovely · 11/08/2012 01:01

I have just changed my name back to my original name and couldn't wait to get rid of my ex's name. I feel strongly that I couldn't live a new life and move on with his name. If someone assumes my name is the same as my children's eg teachers it doesn't matter. I thought I would always want the same name as my children's but now we have split up I really don't think it's important and neither do my children.

marcopront · 11/08/2012 06:38

The way names are passed on in my ex's country means that my DD has a different last name to him and me. She has my surname as a middle name.
I do sometimes get called by her surname and it doesn't bother me.

belleshell · 11/08/2012 08:48

have you thought about a double barrelled name?

purpleroses · 11/08/2012 11:10

Why does it bother you, do you think? Is it because you feel society will judge you as an unmarried mother? Or that it's a daily reminder of your kids' link to their dad, that you don't share any more?

I've always had a different surname to my kids (wasn't married to their dad and let them have his name to appease his mother mainly). It creates the ocassional annoyance when the school or someone ring up and say "is that Mrs [DC's surname]?" to which I usually reply "not exactly" and they always then correct themselves and say "is that DC's mother?". I've never personally felt judged at all by it. I'm now with a new DP and as a household we have 3 surnames between us, but it doesn't really seem to stop us getting on with life.

I do find that personally I vaguely resent (irrationally, I suppose) the fact that my DCs share a surname with my ex (and now his new wife) but not with me. But think that accepting that is part of the - often difficult- challenge of accepting that he remains their father even though he's nothing to me. We've done a bit of looking at family trees lately which has helped them to see how they're connected to all my side of the family.

MagicHouse · 11/08/2012 11:13

I'm keeping my married name. I'm not especially bothered by names - they're all just passed down from years back, and from what I know, although I don't like my ex or his dad, his dad's dad was apparantly a really nice, kind man! So I just think of it as HIS name - maybe if there had been a whole line of horrible fathers I'd have felt differently! I think my DD would find it hard to have a different name to me. I may change it back once they're grown up!

FateLovesTheFearless · 11/08/2012 11:15

I am back to my maiden name. Doesn't bother me on the slightest that we have different surnames, I know they are my kids, they know I am their mother!

Anyways just keep your married name if it bothers you.

QuanticoVirginia · 11/08/2012 11:30

My kids don't have my surname and it really doesn't bother me at all. I'm not married to DP (their father) and never will be. I certainly have never felt judged by anyone!!!?? Confused

The only thing I have is people calling me 'Mrs 'DPs surname' by the boys teachers but what bothers me more is the chorus behind me form the boys (and DP if he's there) of 'She's not Mrs DP's surname she Ms Maiden name'!!!

If I were married I would take DPs surname but would always keep my own surname for work purposes as that's what my work rep. is built on.

What I hate more is children who constantly have their surnames' changed dependant on the state of their mother's relationship. DP's eldest son has had four surnames and he's only 15!!!

ItsRainingOutside · 11/08/2012 12:56

You could hyphenate your children's name to be yours and your ex's. You might get married again, change your name and it will all be in vain. Don't worry about it. I have the same situation and just laugh when someone calls me by my previous name on the assumption I have the same name as my DD.

Having different names can however cause an issue when travelling overseas with the children. Always keep a copy of their birth certificate and any formal document which links them back to you. I had a problem leaving France a couple of years ago and had to get faxed permission from my ExP to bring DD to UK. I now understand it was all unnecessary and they should have just let us out. Embarrassing though and would have been avoided if I'd had her birth certificate.

TessTosterone · 11/08/2012 13:05

I kept my maiden name by choice when I married. It's only a name. It doesn't worry me in the slightest me having a different name to the dc.

tribpot · 11/08/2012 13:11

I'm the same as Tess - my son has a different surname to me, I'm married to his father. He's never even asked me why this is the case, he just knows we have different surnames.

It helps (if I was worried about it in some way) that my family is huge and blended, so there's all sorts of different surnames in the mix (and even for extra confusion I have a step-sister who has two different first names!) I haven't had the same surname as my mother since I was 6. I have had the same surname as my father for my whole life. I love my mum unreservedly and am largely indifferent to my dad.

Names don't matter, what matters is what you feel. If you feel you want to keep the name, you're entitled to do so and should do it if it makes you feel better. If you want to take back your old name, do that. Your dc will never know the difference, but you will - so it's a good idea to wait until you can decide what's the best choice for you.

Original poster
miamama09 · 11/08/2012 16:28

I think it's that I will feel judged, I already feel self conscious when I'm out and talking to even complete strangers without my wedding ring... I feel they must be thinking totally ridiculous things, which shouldn't even matter to me if they are... But for some reason it does.

Also, I guess I'm unhappy that they will always have his surname, with the way he's treated them, us, not caring, uninterested in them...

I'll take my time thinking about whether I will change my name or not, I won't rush into it. But I probably will. I'm not his anymore.

Ah why can't it just be a name to me!

OP posts:
caramel1 · 11/08/2012 16:43

I had 3 different surnames in my household at one point. It gets a bit annoying when I'm referred to as Mrs 1st husband with DS1, I went back to my maiden name after him, but after my 2nd marriage failed I kept the surname. Couldn't be arsed to change it back.

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