Need some support...very upset.X husb just wont stop getting at me, now refusing to return son at agreed time for family holiday abroad.

[zara206y]

I have full custody of our son, after a battle some 6 yrs ago. My x took my son and kept him for 6 wks not returning him untill i fought him in court. I have been very light with him, since his father just died of cancer. I have let him call our son and see him outside agreed access times etc. He has changed his weekends due to the funeral etc and i have shown sympathy etc. I even let him in my house when it was pouring down the other day! We agreed in June that he would have my son on a friday to friday as i was going on the holiday with my family on the Sunday early morning (flight about 6am). He then said the other day he would collect son on Sat as he was going to Olympics with his mother and would return son on the following Sat. I asked him today if he could return him the following friday as we want to possibly go stay in airport hotel on the saturday. He is being horrible saying that the origional plan was sat-sat, not friday - sat. Sent horrid messages saying that as its HIS weekend he doesnt have to bring him back til the sunday! This would mean he misses the holiday altogether. I am so upset as i have been so pleasant to him since his father died and now its all thrown back at me. I am in a right state. My son knows what happened years ago when his dad kidnapped him (i told him), he knows his dad is cruel to me, and he even said that he will tell him to bring him back early and that he will listen to him. I have told x that son wants to come back early but he doesnt care what he wants, he just wants to dig at me. I always feel like a submissive dog when i get the shit from him, i was in hospital having a cervical ablation on wed so tearful cause of that, this is all i need. (X has always resented the fact that i left him and walked out, he has taken me to court numerous times for this and that been very very fussy, every chance he gets he takes me to court.) I think i will go back to collection times to be on the dot at court order time instead of letting son go early when he arrives. Stop frequent phone calls and keep them to the court order times, and extra visits! I feel crap, cant stop crying, feel sick when phone buzzes! He pays maintenance £196 a month and nothing more..never offers, never asks if his son needs anything else. I work and am single so struggling. need suppport

Oh dear, poor you. So your ds (and you) are likely to miss a holiday?

Is your son with you at the moment? If he's serious about making him miss the holiday, don't hand him over this week. (And maybe drop a note to your solicitor to say what you're doing and why).

He sounds like a twunt.

Just agree to him coming back Saturday so you don't miss your holiday?

Do you have evidence your ex agreed to the change? If you have tickets for a booked holiday abroad you could apply to court for a specific issue order and an emergency hearing. YOu would need to go to court fill in the forms, pay the fee and be prepared to hang about until a judge has a few minutes to hear you.

Children need enough information so they know what's going but they don't need to know the detail. Parents are under a duty to shield children as much as possible from conflict. It's not rocket science - "harm" to children is not just physical violence or deprivation. It includes emotional harm.

Listening to children is important but children shouldn't be put in the position of choosing between parents or taking sides. Loving parents will ask children's opinions, for example about moving house or changing schools, but it's important to understand the rationale behind children's view. Ultimately adults should be responsible for making decisions. Children who choose sides between separated parents grow up shouldering a lot of guilt. They are innocent bystanders, and we owe them better than to involve them in the cross-fire.

My son lives with me to answer that question. Also its only last year that i told my son what happened and why his dad took him from me. His father said that we needed to get together to get the story the same...the story was straight forward....he never returned him one sunday then got a prohibited steps order on me and my family the monday, preventing me etc from trying to get him. The judge basically said he was a man who just shot himself in the foot and had to go home and get over the fact that i had left him and get on with his life! My x is getting a little worried as son was asking questions about why he went to a different school and why he lived with his dad for a while. The fact was that his father planned that when he took him,he was going into a new school 100 miles away from me! not the school i was showing him.

I have never said bad words to my son about his father and always shown normal behaviour in front of him when talking to his dad. My x always makes things difficult for me, never gives me an inch but will always take what he can get. It makes me sick to my stomach how nice i seem to be with him and then he takes and throws it back when i want something.

Yes i can always just stick to the return on the saturday and fly out early sunday but where is the fun? I want my boy here with me in time to help pack and get his things ready and so we can all get ready at my mothers etc as its a big family holiday. Now its on hold untill he brings him back on Sat. He is trying to blackmail my son to stay with him as he does normally. Last yr my boy wanted to go to his bestfriends Bday party, but it was on his dads weekend, i asked if he could swap weekends, and he said that he would persuade his son to go with him and offer a day trip or something. My son changed and he never did anything with him.

I am in tears tonight, i dont want my son in the middle but unfortunately his is cause its all about him. My son loves me and his father, but hates that his father is unreasonable as he has seen some things he has done to me and always sees me upset. I always tell son that now he is getting older he can make some choices to stay here or there, and he will tell his dad thats what HE wants. Thus his dad listens as obvioulsy doesnt want to upset son.

Roll on 6 more years...isnt it aged 16 that i can completely drop his father from my life?

I think it's slightly unreasonable to agree to the Saturday drop off and then once your son is with his father, demand he is returned on the Friday, sorry. Your son will still enjoy the excitement of getting ready for the holiday once he gets home.

Is your ds with his dad at the moment?

If he brings your ds back too late so that you miss your holiday i would seriously consider stopping contact as he obviously is doing it out of spite & not what is best for ds.

Has he actually said he is going to bring your son back on Sunday or has he said that he does not want to return him on Friday, as the agreement was Saturday ... and anyway, the court order says Sunday.

You asked if he could return him Friday instead because you have changed your mind but he said no, so why not just say fine return him Saturday as agreed then and it wont affect the holiday.

@choc where does it say that. They agreed in June that it would be friday to friday. That was two months ago.

They agreed a few weeks ago to change it to Saturday to Saturday.

*few days ago, not weeks.

"He then said the other day he would collect son on Sat as he was going to Olympics with his mother and would return son on the following Sat."

The OP didn't say she disputed this and she let him go on Saturday so she must have agreed it She then changed her mind and asked him to return him a day early.

zara, sorry you're having such a difficult time, and yes, your x is being a complete pain.

However, this does not need to spoil your holiday in any way, shape or form.

You can still leave some packing for your DS to do when he gets home on Saturday.

Do you think that you can try to accept that you're not going to get the day you had hoped for on Saturday, and put your energies into trying to relax and looking forward to your lovely family holiday? It would be such a shame to let this spoil the rest of your week.

{hug}

He's being a shit.

Mine has pulled similar stunts, and I've learned to take it into account in my planning. I always aim to have a Plan B to deal with obstacles my ex is likely to put in place (he's very predictable). If I'm booking a trip, I always leave a margin of error to cope with ex not returning DD on time.

I should put in on my CV - "Exceptional practical skills in contingency planning".

Sorry, it doesn't help you this time. Never mind, it might be easier to get the packing done by yourself. Don't give your ex the power to spoil your mood and the holiday!

Hi, not sure if i made it clear! X due to have son from 12aug -19th aug. We were due to fly out early hours of 19th aug. SO in june i asked if we could change so he has him sat- sat (11-18th) instead. He then immediately text back and said why not do frid - fri (10 -17). I said yes perfect. The the other day i said ok see you next fri, he replied no sat as i have olympic tickets, then said he wouldnt return him untill 6pm on that sat (18th), when i said can you return him early. Leaving me no time to shop with my son or get last minute things. We were meant to be travelling to airport hotel on that sat afternoon - now its been cancelled! ANYWAY...cut a very long story short, after threatening text with court from him etc he has given in. I told him that as we had agreed collection on 11th at a.m his return should be at 11a.m on the 18th (hence the refusal to return at 6pm). I said his court order allowance of ONE WEEK = just that 11 a.m - 11 a.m following sat. He gave in and has reluctantly agreed knowing that he does not have a leg to stand on. HE agreed friday - friday first, then HE changed due to HIS tickets! SO HE had to give up. My son is now pleased that he can come home intime to help get ready. First time i have stood up to him and NOT given up...i cried for hours.

Zara, sorry it wasn't clear no.

So is he returning him on the Saturday? At 11am. As long as you are providing that one week then yes, you're right, he hasnt got a leg to stand on.

I agree with that. But you were proposing Sat to Fri which is less than a week. And it appeared to me that your son was already at Dads.

Brilliant Zara - I'm glad you got it sorted and DS is happy. Well done for standing up for yourself and your DS. Hope you have a great holiday.