I need advice.... 3 year old constantly asking about his Dad who's not involved...

[DMG]

Hi there..

I have a 3 year old DS who's DD is not involved at all.. through my choice. We were never "serious" and DS was an accident... I decided aged 43 it was last chance saloon, so now have a glorious little man! His DS came back to the UK (he's from Caribean) and of the 20 occassions we arranged for him to come and visit he showed up on 6 times... I decided that I wasn't prepared to take the risk of him letting DS down as he got older, therefore said no more. Bit of a longer story obviously !

DS is now 3 and regularly asks who's my daddy, what's my daddys name and where is he. I say he lives far away, tell him his name and that's about all the detail I give him. I also point out that all families are different and that he's not the only boy who lives just with his mummy.

DS has now escalated the conversations to I need my daddy and things like I'm going to be big and strong like my daddy.....

I have emailed his godfathers and other significant men today to ask them to give him some time... send him messages etc., when I told him yesterday he had two god fathers he was cocker hoop! He also has 4 god mothers (OK over the top but what the hell!) who's husbands we also refer to as important men... so I've rallied them as well!

I would really appreciate any tips that anyone can offer... I'm trying my hardest to answer his questions in a simple way... I don't change the subject... but I don't give too much information.

Thanks in advance!

DMG

I mean Dad is not involved - not DS! Sorry!

I don't think you should worry about giving too much detail as long as the information you give is positive. Children who are insecure about their natural parentage and heritage tend to have low self esteem leading to emotional and behavioural problems in later life. Therefore by helping your child acquire a positive image of the other parent you can help your develop their self esteem.

Apart from a few exceptional cases contact is the best way to achieve even if it's indirect (letters, cards, presents etc) or on an irregular ad hoc basis. If no contact is possible you can talk about growing and developing, physical characteristics and help him understand the nature of identity and complex family relationships. For example you could say your son has eyes like his father and show him photos and talk about his father and paternal family.

Thanks....

My concern about ad hoc contact is that he's so unreliable that DS would be constantly let down... and I fear that that is worse than anything.... also having spoken to a variety of friends before I cut the ties, it felt like this was the best path to go down.

I seriously debated not telling him I was even pregnant, but felt that that was wrong... I now wish I hadn't told him and that he hadn't come back to the UK.. but hindsight is a marvellous thing!!

I agree as well re the positive comments - I'm never critical about him and don't even discuss him with friends within ear shot of DS... whatever the nightmare relationship we had, it's no DS's problem...

As far as contacting him again, I have questioned that... but I don't even know where he lives and he wouldn't tell me the last time I tried to find out... He's over stayed his visa in this country and I think he thinks I'll tell the authorities... which is tempting but I wouldn't do that... however much I dislike him! He's no role model for my DS.. he doesn't work, he's a liar and sly. when I knew him he was working, had a flat etc., but then he went back to his home country.. and then came back.

I think he's still in UK - based on photos he has up on FB... he also has a photo of DS for all to see on his page... despite my asking him on numerous occassions not to post pictures I sent him.

The last time he came to visit, he changed the time two hours before, arrived, said he couldn't stay long, his friend was in the car outside and generally made ... he made me feel very uncomfortable... I could list endless occassions of him not coming - with pathetic excuses made up... I've kept a diary of it all, just in case.

That's a nice idea but as he's never even sent him a birthday card (even before I said no more) or a christmas card etc., I can't see that he'd do it.. he truly is the most self centred person I've ever come across...

another example - he arrived back to the UK - first meeting of DS... I had the vomitting bug so felt like I was dying... he was in the house for 30 minutes an hour max....and then he left and didn't come back for 5 hours... by which time DS was in bed.

I think there are many things that are easier about being a sole parent.... the only challenge is trying to limit the damage to the little ones...

No contact with his family... when DS is old enough and emotionally able to, I will take him over to the Caribean to meet them..... if I can find them.

Hello I am in similiar position with my dd she has never met her dad (she is 6yo) she goes through phases of this being an issue. I have a book from Amazon called 'do I have a daddy?' which is a bit american but I good starting point. I have always been positive about her dad and told her what I know about him, recently she wanted to know what he looked like and I showed her a photo. She gets upset and I just allow that, it is hard and rubbish. I wish things could be different and that he wanted to be involved but then remind her (and myself) that she is lucky in lots of ways, has a loving family, lots of friends etc

It sounds like you are a good mum and very sensible have you been on any single parent hols? I have done a few with single with kids and find they are really good for showing my dd that she is not alone in not having a daddy ( as well as having a nice holiday!!!)

Hi Girliefriend - so sorry it's taken me so long to respond to your message!!! I have bought the book Do I have a Daddy - I got it a few weeks ago, but I decided he's a bit young for it. It's really hard - the whole dilmea - as to whether I've made the right decision. He did meet his dad a few times when he was about 18 months old....but the problem was he kept on not turnign up - out of 20 arranged visitis he arrived 6 or 8 times. Weirdly, since posting this subject on here, his dad has been in touch - claming he's change etc., but sadly I just don't believe him. I am though of course questioning my decision and am quite stressed by it at the moment. He's also dropped in to an email that he now has a third child!!!!

I haven't done the single family holidays - I'll look into it. As you say, it's about them knowing they're not the only ones.

It's a very difficult situation. Personally I would be tempted to let your ex visit DS just once more, as your DS seems to have questions about him. Let your ex answer a few about why he is not seeing his son regularly and being a 'proper daddy'!

I think even twice yearly visits would be better than nothing at all - but that's just my opinion. (I also grew up with a useless father, but I'm glad I got to see him the few times that I did).