If X moves away, what hours should he have DD 4yo?

[skyebluesapphire]

My STBXH is considering moving a three hour drive away. I don't want to stop him seeing DD but I am concerned that she will get tired etc.

At the moment she sees him every Sunday from 10am to 7pm (6pm from September due to school). He has had her overnight once in four months due to not being in his own place.

I didnt want to go every other weekend until she was a bit older. A fortnight is a long time to go without seeingO him (he can't commit to in the week due to work and obviously if he moves away it will be impossible)

If he moves away then contact will have to go every other weekend as im not having her spend sux hours a day on the motorway. But a three hour drive means that if he picks her up at say 9am Saturday and brings her back 6pm Sunday then she will have barely 24 hours with him outside of the travelling.

Is anybody else in a similar situation? What do you do?

Also at the moment I swap days so she doesn't miss school friends parties on Sundays, but if he has her EOW and is miles away then I suppose it's inevitable that she will miss these things.

EOW could and should be Friday - Sunday night or preferably Monday morning.

It's not supposed to be about what's best for you but what's best for her - and that's a better relationship with her dad.

My whole post is about whats best for her, her getting tired or missing him if she doesn't see him for a fortnight. I didn't think it read about whats best for me?

I doubt he would do Friday night due to work and he couldn't bring her back Monday morning as athree hour drive would mean getting her up at four or five am to get her back in time for school and again he wouldn't do it due to his work

I'm just trying to find a reasonable solution do she sees him as much as possible without getting tired.

I guess he will have to figure that one out - maybe he could stay in travellodge with her on weekend? Booked in advance they are £19/£29 so same a petrol cost would be?.

Maybe you could drive her up on the Friday and he drops her back on Sunday night

The parties aren't as portent as seeing her dad

Also, of his work allows, he could have her for large chunks of the school hols

I didn't see the post as anything other than looking for what was best for the child.

There is no "should" do anything in contact. It is what is mutually agreeable. In an ideal world DCs "should" live with both parents in a loving family home but that doesn't always pan out. And there is no way I would be pressing for him to have her to Monday morning as despite the extended time with her father getting up 3-4hrs earlier than necessary for the school run certainly isn't better for the child on a regular basis.

I agree. Maybe you could share the communting (not that it is your responsibility IMO) either by doing one leg of the journey or by splitting all journeys.

I think , unfortunatly, the distance thing brings with it some problems one can't get around. It will be unsettling for your dc in some way.

The recieved wisdom is that with distance comes longer but less frequent visits.

For me it's a 1:30 hr journey with an almost 4 year old dd. I feel guity enough about that. A 3 hour journey sounds tough for everybody and I think really requires some planning in terms of stop offs and trying to make it into an event that's fun rather than a chore.

Your dd will associate dad turning up with a boring journey that takes her away from the fun and familliarity of home. Be prepared for that.

Something that can help, and it's a bit of robbing Peter to pay Paul, is for yr XP to use holiday allocation to extend weekends. Even if that just means he takes Friday PM off to pick dc up on the Friday to return Sun.

These days can / should also be used where possible. Inset days / school trips / when dc is ill etc etc. You have to look for oppertunities where dad can spend days with dc. ( I assume he'd want to too )

But this obviously erodes holiday time for the school holidays.

But I think it's fair to say that Dad needs to look at ways to structure work / life to fit dc in, and you, where possible, facilitate.

As for missing b'day parties etc it's bound to happen but perhaps, occassionally dad could travel to your town on 'his' w/e and take dc to the party as well as plan other stuff.

A lot of that depends on how amicable things are though. I get on with my XP well enough to , at times, use her flat whilst she goes out to do stuff. It makes things much easier for everyone.

It's a crap situation in any broken family and I think you have to be prepared to agree to some stuff that goes against your instincts for the 'greater good'

All of this will of course going to go on for years so it's worth thinking long term

Good luck.

They are the times that ex is supposed to have our DS however, he rarely turns up for him. My DS is fairly used to driving those distances and longer and so I have never really seen a problem with it. I did offer from the Friday until Sunday but he turned that down got in the way of him seeing OW.

As for birthdays the Judge told my Ex that it is not acceptable for our DS to miss out the things his peer group are doing just because he lives so far away and so he should be prepared to go out of his way to ensure he goes to parties, join activities so if that means staying in a cheap hotel then he should.

I don't do the driving either and that is something my ex took me to court over. I can't afford it and I take the view I do everything else for DS the least he could do was drive as it made no difference to DS as he would still be in the car the same time. I think the travel is not necessarily a bad thing as it gives them time to catch up on what has been going on with your DD.

He is self employed but puts work first. I asked him to have her a day a week in the holidays, he refused due to work, yet is going abroad with his friends for a week in September. It seems clear where his priorities lie.

This is a man who walked out on us totally out of the blue saying he didn't love me and then refused to try and work things out. (even saying that we were incompatible because I like holidays and he doesn't).

I have tried to be reasonable over access. He cannot commit to every Weds due to work so I've tried to be reasonable to the cost of messing up my own plans at times.

He intends to move to Wales as more work there allegedly. (he wouldn't even holiday there in the past as he hated it so much).

I will suggest that he picks her up as early as he can Saturdays and have her back by 6 on the Sundays. I can't afford the diesel to drive and meet him regularly plus am no good with motorway driving.

It looks like it would have to be EOW . I hate him for being so selfish and disrupting her life like this.

Oh dear. :-(

very similar situation, but my XH drives down on a friday and stays with a friend overnight in the same town as me and our DC, so that he spends the same time with them (friday pm and all day sat) but he is the only one who travels. Then he drives back on the Saturday night. We also want him to see them every week as they are so young, and want to limit the impact on them that the distance could cause.

However our DC are both under 3, and don't do overnights. A 6 hour round trip is impossible for them - we both agree on that. As a result I am helpful about him seeing them in my home, and making sure I provide all the kit they need to go out and have fun - although he sees them at my house, he does not stay with us.

Could your ex consider an arrangement like this in the short term (ie until she is a bit older and you both agree she is more prepared for long weekends away?) Sorry you're in this situation, it's very hard for all involved.

oh hey Skye just realised it's you! PM me if you want to chat about it hon, it's a toughie but it can be done x

Hi choco. It is hard, his friends are telling him to stay here as she will grow up so fast but he seems more concerned about work. I know he needs to earn a livIng but he's moved in with his "friends" the opposite direction to where all the work is!

I can't have him in my house as I cant stand to be near him. I honestly don't know how you do it and I really admire you for doing it.

well for me it's a bit different as DC2 is so very young, so I wouldn't have him taken out of the house... lesser of two evils really!

H keeps saying that he will see DD whether I like it or not, but I e never tried to stop him seeing her. I would like to if he moved away just to stop her spending hours in a van travelling but I realise that I can't.

He goes on about he would do anything for his daughter, yes anything except stay around to watch her grow up!

He won't put her before work. I think he should have her Friday to Sunday but by the time he got here then another three hours home it would be far too late for DD.

Is there an OW in Wales ?

It makes much more sense for him to pick her up on Friday evenings through to Sunday. It's probably one of those situations whereby you'll have to just see how things pan out - if he ends up with a tired, irritable 4 year old all weekend, then he may rethink his ability to be flexible about his work hours. Perhaps him picking her up Friday and then staying locally in a cheapy hotel so they can still have dinner/bathtime etc?

OW parents live in Wales... Not that there is OW of course, they are only "good friends". He used to hate Wales!

He can't afford to stay in hotels etc. if I suggest it I'm sure he would cut my maintenance , but he should have her two nights if it's EOW.

He made such a fuss about me not wanting him to attend a little fancy dress parade yet is prepared to move miles away which will mean he probably won't see her in the week, and it will be difficult to attend Christmas plays etc if he's so far away.