50-50% residency - how to best set up for a happy child?

[aegeansky]

I am going through a divorce with mum of dc9. We have without argument agreed shared residency but I would be very interested in hearing how others have arranged this at a practical level. One week at one parent and one at another? Several days then rotate? Other arrangements? I would like to hear from anyone with this experience as there is no blueprint for it and it already seems daunting working out how to be there for my child and work at the same time.

Please note I am right in the middle of the most chaotic period so won't be able to post regularly but will read and appreciate all posts. Thank you!

Sorry but it does not work 50/50. Too much upheaval for the kids, it suits the parents more, which I think is selfish, if you are too busy to post are you too busy to parent? Am not meaning to be hard, but there is no 59/50 ideal, they feel like they don't have one home let alone two, stuff is always getting left behind and it gets frustrating. Friends have worked out that a long weekend every three weeks and a wens/thurs eve in between works well. It may not be what you want but it is about the child, if you have the flip the child because of work it will be tragic

That is harsh carocaro. Chaotic period often happends during 'going through a divorce' period.
It can work, and in my case, if I had been selfish I would have fought for more than 50 per cent. My selfish needs is that I would actually rather have them with me as much as possible. However, my child isn't my possession - they actually have two loving parents who happen to live in two different homes - and they know they're not just a guest in either of them.

If aegeansky has agreed stuff already without argument, it sounds as if they have a reasonably amicable relationship with their ex. Therefore, things like stuff getting left behind is an occasional hassle, but not a problem.

If you both live within reasonable distance of the school, every other weekend from Fri eve to Monday am and two nights during week (eg mon/tue at one home, wed/thur at other) works.

No situation is ideal for any child in a split, and I for one feel sad that my child has to split their time between homes, full stop. That upheaval was the adults problem. However, I feel much prouder that they regard both homes as their own homes, not just a visitor in one of them, and it has meant that they have a strong bond with their father, who is also as involved as I am in their parenting.

The above arrangement that we have is all about the child. It is not tragic.

There's no one arrangement that suits all children and there is no reason why 50:50 shared residence can't work as well as any other schedule. What doesn't work for children is high levels of ongoing parental conflict, but that is true whether it's 50:50 shared residence or contact every other weekend.

Change overs can be unsettling and many families find with primary school aged children at least, longer periods of contact/shared residence and fewer handovers and is a more settled arrangement than a few days here and there. Whether it's 50::50 shared residence or different proportions flexible co-operative shared parenting is the gold standard that benefits children the most when it can be achieved.

I have friends who do a very successful 50:50 residency. The children alternate weeks with the parent with the changeover on Friday Nights. They have everything they need at both homes and don't generally swap stuff about - so no packing/unpacking required etc.

The children go to the same school and childminder that they always did and settled into the new routine with few problems.

The parents are both working hard ot make sure that the children come first and it seems to have worked out really well for them so it can work.

I have friends who do close to 50/50 - their DS spends Tues night with Dad, then Thurs and Fri nights there too, so 4 nights with Mum. He will often spend Sat night with Dad too, especially if a treat / trip is planned - Mum and Dad seem to be able to work it out quite amicably. Although there is a lot of toing and froing, it is a set routine, so everyone knows where the DS will be, including himself. Mum and Dad can spend longer at work when they haven't got DS, and less when he is with them, which wouldn't necessarily work if it was a week in one place, week in another.

The DS (8) is currently quite happy with the arrangement, sees the positives of having two homes and two families.

Personally, the main reason I think it works is that the parents put their son first - it is always about what is best for him, no petty point-scoring, or trying to use him to get at each other.

The suggesation of having stuff at both houses, and limiting what needs to move each time, is a good one. There will always be special things that need to move, but having toothbrush, pyjamas, underwear, some clothes and some toys and books in each place seems sensible.

It can work very well at primary school age. Our schedule evolves around DS schedule so Saturday he mostly spends with his dad and his dad takes him to whatever he has on and I will meet him at his footy match or wherever he is sun morn. Dad has him thurs, fri, eve/night after work too. We change for holidays. It involves a great deal of communication/negotiation however and obviously you have to live very close. Expect the first year to be quite hard.

Big thanks to everyone who has posted so far! It is very heartening to see the overwhelming concensus is that 50-50 can be made to work, and also the details of how it can be done. This gives me something for me to mull over which set-up is the best for our DC and something tangible to take to ex DW for discussion. Caracoro, I understand your scepticism but I note that many others find it acceptable. In our case, it's what dc explicitly has asked for - we just have to make it work!!!

HA - "If you're too busy to post, you're too busy to parent"

Spoken like a true women with no other life other than MN?!!!

My DP has shared residence. His DS does weekend and Mon-tue at one parent wed thur then weekend at the other. That way he only moves once a week. It works because they have an amicable relationship and live within walking distance. DS is older, so he can walk back and forwards at will. He often pops into one house before moving on to the other. they are also both flexible in terms of each others work schedule

I just speak from experience, my brother and a friend (both seperate), one has a pretty much standard hours job whereas my brother can be anywhere from week to week with his job, and both had found it difficult to try the 50/50 spit.

Kicktheguru - yawn.

Course it can be done - I find it bizarre that some people think a separation means one parent is forced out of real parenting and just becomes an every other weekend one.

Aegeansky, when Making the decisions, I would suggest that 50-50 is 'the spirit' of the separation, that is the responsibility and the care, and not the hours as such. It can be really hard to 50-50 a week - bloody 7 days, why aren't there 8?- so it may be better to avoid quibbling over hours etc. ( not saying you would, but I appreciate it is such a stressful time)

Oh and what also worked for us was a three monthly review. We didn't want anything set in stone, it might not work etc, so every three months we met to discuss, (don't need to now) your DS could be part of this too.

My son's dad and I do 50/50 and it works brilliantly for us. We live in the same village and my son has clothes, toys etc at both houses. The main thing is that both parents MAKE it work for the sake of their child(ren). I think its absolutely ridiculous that carocaro says it doesn't work, based on just two people that she knows. It totally depends on the child, the effort made by the parents and good communication. It won't work for everybody, it depends on location and work commitments etc. You know what will work best for you and your child.

I wish there was a 'like' button for some of these posts! Alurkatsoftplay I completely echo your words, why does separation mean one parent has to be sidelined? Aegeansky well done on approaching this maturely and fairly, I do get fed up of reading posts about how much someone "should let" the ex see his children.

We have 50:50 and it works well - for all (children before parents). Carocaro is off the mark on this completely. We do have the benefit of living close by so routine isn't affected where school etc's concerned, but as long as you decide on a routine that suits all and works for the kids then you're on the right path.