Bad behaviour due to my new relationship - advice please!

[emmmmmmmm]

hello,

I have posted this in pre-teens but thought i might have more luck here.

I have a soon-to-be 12 year old son. His usual behaviour is pretty normal pre-teen stuff I think - well I feel reassured after reading this forum! He's moody and argumentative but nothing too concerning.

I have been a single parent for the majority of his life, however a few months ago I started a relationship. I knew that this would be a lot for my son to deal with so I have made sure we still spend time together just us, doing fun activities. We also do things the three of us. However, my son's behaviour has been very challenging of late, especially when we are with my boyfriend. He is more argumentative and rude and seems reluctant to want to get to know my boyfriend well. He also often says that he does not want to come out with us, saying things like 'you two just want to be alone'. I have assured him a lot that this is not the case and that we would both like it if he came with us etc.

Am I doing something wrong? Can anyone advise how I can make this situation better?

my guess might be that as a pre-teen wanting to gain control of different things and make their own choices, etc...trying to be grown up and still being a child, etc and that whole battle field going on

it could be manipulation and control...you acknowledging the possible issue's surrounding jealousy and making extra effort to have time just with DS, etc...it could be working in the opposite of your intentions and he's using the situation to play the guilt card and make you responsible for his negative thinking.

How about laying your cards on the table...new partner is here, in our lives, I am happy that I have an adult in my life to share adult things with. That you want your DS to appreciate that you have a right to this happiness and he should want that for his mum....that this is how it is going to be. That we can love and care about many people in our lives and it will never mean you love him any less...he will always be your wonderful, perfect child and that will never change but you have every intention of having this for yourself and it is not a question of whether he likes or doesn't like this fact....more he needs to respect the fact and be more willing to accept this and make a better effort to get to know your partner and be respectful...and whats not to like?...it's a good thing for everyone if he can see things in this better way....I love you but I think you need to think about your attitude and I have felt disappointed that you have been making things more difficult than they have to be. I expect you to be a better person than this and from now on you expect to see this from him.

some things just are not up for discussion and this has to be one of those times....forget feeling guilty...you're doing nothing wrong....and don't be doing things like you need to make up for it in some way...thats setting yourself up for alot more grief I would say...you understand it is a change to have someone making your home into 3 people but it's a good change and you will all get used to it...

Does your child has regular contact with his father?

whatthewhatthebleep - thanks, that is really good advice. i think you make a good point about the fact i am doing nothing wrong and shouldn't have to compensate for it! at present i tend to see my boyfriend at weekend so my DS and i make sure we have one day a week where we do something fun just the two of us. i think i will have another chat with him from the angle you suggest.

feelingsik - no he does not see his father. he has not been in the picture since DS was a year old. has no interest to be and i do not want that to change as he is not a good person.

How are things going for you emmmmm

a little better thanks :) we had a long chat and i went along the lines of what you suggested. my DS has made more of an effort with my boyfriend, although i am still having to remind him to be polite etc. my DS is also still trying to guilt trip me by saying things like 'why have you been so mean to me recently?'! to which i explain that i haven't been and he shouldn't say hurtful things. i think it's going to be a long road but i feel more hopeful that we're going in the right direction now.

sounds positive...thats great. I suppose it is like being told we have to share our most precious thing and we didn't expect to have to. It will take time to feel ok and realise that.
It's a big adjustment for all of you...it'll be fine though...stay strong and praise the good stuff