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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

DD screams for daddy

9 replies

tiredbutlearning · 04/08/2012 20:19

Hi all,

I am for months into being a single mummy. At times its lonely but on the whole im finding easier than carrying a baby and a deadbeat husband!

However...my precious DD is 32 months old and is aware of the situation. I do all the following:
explain that she has two parents who love her
reassure her when she has tantrums after visits and before visits
never talk badly about the X
etc

but she has really big tantrums. Which I am putting down to confusion and fustration of the situation.

I want to ask any parents who have been here for advice - what should i do when she says" I want daddy" - which normally comes after I have told her off or said she cant have something! But tonight after he left we had 45 minutes of screams and back archng and she kept saying "why did daddy go"...!!1

I feel like screaming "go live with daddy then" but try to stay calm and say daddy would say the same thing...

I am really scared she is "emotionally confused" and that it will scar her....I am probably over reacting but I feel terrible - that I CHOSe such a flaky man to fall in love with and marry!

Please help me feel more confident!

OP posts:

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MrGin · 04/08/2012 21:47

Well I'd say four months is still pretty fresh, your dd is bound to be confused. It'll take a while for things to settle down.

My dd is 3.5 and it's nothing new with her to use the 'i want my mummy !' line when she isn't getting her own way. I think it's fairly normal.

Continue to re-assure your dd and hopefully work with your XH in the interests of dd.

How involved is your XH ?

Scarredbutnotbroken · 04/08/2012 21:48

Hi op. I am in the same position as you even down to age of dd! I'm not getting screams for daddy but I am getting difficult conversations, some tantrums and definite nightmares - emotional turmoil anyway.
I read once that most children of separated parents believe the nrp will come back for up to 5 years this terrifies me - and not just because I'd never let him in! What most people say to me is that dd's reactions are made up of confusion mostly - I do lots of reinforcing routines - as in 'remember we always do x on Monday, y on Tuesday and on wed you see daddy' and so on...
I let sad feature in her life in a non invasive way like when we buy her something I always say - would you like to take this to show daddy next time or encourage her to tell him about a fun thing she did. What I'm getting at is establishing what is fixed and permanent about her dad rather than focussing in her loss of you get me?

Original poster

tiredbutlearning · 04/08/2012 22:01

XH is pretty involved, he sees her every other weekend for two nights, but DD never wants to go with him. She screams and screams and normally falls asleep in the car on the way to his (screwing up to her routine) and then settles in. But he always says the last morning and afternoon are so hard as she says "I want to go home" all the time. This annoys me as he only sees her in such short glimpses that I find it hard to hear him say its "hard".

I like the idea of "we always:...i think that is lovely.

Would you advise then to let the "I want daddy" to just ride...and keep not hearing it! x

OP posts:

Scarredbutnotbroken · 04/08/2012 22:09

It's easier of contact is fixed - she will get used to the routine. If she says I want daddy say something like - well that's good, you will see him on x, remember- he will be excited to see you and you can tell him all about blah.,...
With my contact arrangements I stipulated that 2 weeks was too long and that weekly contact was better because I'm not sure my dd (33 months) can get her head around a fortnightly routine when all her others are 7 day - if u see what I mean. Also maybe 2 nights is too long? The recommended contact for this age bracket is one weekend day plus one contact period during the week.
If you think your dd is really struggling it might be worth considering revising contact a bit.

Happylander · 04/08/2012 22:28

My DS does this and I was talking about it to some people at work who have children but haven't split up from the dad and they all said that when there child is told off they scream for the other one. Made me feel better and less guilty.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 05/08/2012 09:58

It's dreadful tired, I know how hard it is.

My dd is 4.5, xp and I split 3 years ago. DD stays with xp every other weekend, we've just changed the number of nights from one to two (as he wants to reduce the amount of maintenance he pays us ) I'm finding the older she gets the more upset she is when he drops her off. She gets so sad, crying for her daddy.

It'll happen again tonight.

God it's awful.

Original poster

tiredbutlearning · 08/08/2012 11:54

Hi All, Thank you for all the feedback and support. It is so hard!

I would have been happy with one night every weekend but we live miles apart, and he (xp) wont come down every weekend to see her...so it is this way or nothing!

I feel better that it is not just my dd that screams for daddy and then appears to not want daddy!

It is such a confusing time.

However I am liking the idea of a 7 day routine....and may see if I can put it to him, maybe one day he takes her out for the afternoon and one weekend he has her over night!

Thank you again!

OP posts:

3xcookedchips · 08/08/2012 14:18

The 'recommended contact' is considered out of date. It is thought best for the child that they see the other parent more frequently.

I was told by a learned member of the legal profession that 11 days is too long for a child not to see their parent

As for 2 nights being too long - no it is not, because time with the other parent should increase, not decrease.

For all those out there saying 'he wants to increase contact to reduce maintenance', there are equally women out there who restrict contact to maintain maintenance...what therefore has this got to do with the OP?

Your DD is going through transition anxieties and the school of through says to leave them be for a short while to get through it - the same learned friend say this is a reality of seperated parenting and therefore work through with your daughter with continual reassuarnce - time is a healer, or so they say.

You say your XH is pretty involved but doesnt appear to want to go that extra mile for his daughter...he's lucky to have you as an ex, assuming it's all amicable.

Original poster

tiredbutlearning · 08/08/2012 19:15

He never has really gone the extra mile...he thinks he does! But he puts his needs first! I refuse to talk badly about him in front of her as I just dont think her ears need to her it.

Its as amicable as it can be, but I am trying to not let my feelings cloud our co-parenting...we brought her into this world and promised to keep her safe...and he chose to leave us?! but i never chose it - i chose to be the best parent i could be....and I will try always try t keep my promise to my daughter.

OP posts:

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