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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Can my ex get my address?

23 replies

Slowcooker123 · 03/08/2012 18:49

Long back story, pretty boring, but I have a new problem, hopefully someone can help?

My ex and I have an informal arrangement and share care of our two young children 50/50, alternate weeks. I am going to spend the summer holidays at my new partners house as it's in a lovely rural location and I need a relaxing break. The kids will obviously be there with me every other week. They know him well and we've stayed there before, just not fr a whole summer holidays (well the half they have with me). He's not someone new to them or me.

Ex has previous caused incidents at my home, resulting in him shouting swearing at the door etc. Police have been called on a few occasions. I do not want him to have my partners address He has no reason to, he has my mobile number for emergency contact (we dot contact each other usually). He only wants it so I will worry that he will turn up, cause problems etc.

He has said that his solicior has informed him he is entitled to know where his children are sleeping. Surely when they are in my care (equally for when they are in his care) he can't legally be entitled to know where they are.

I'm upset and worried and now can't speak to my solicitor til Monday. He has today said he's applying to court this afternoon to force me to either give him the address or to have the children forcibly removed and handed over to him. He's trying to upset me and ruin our relaxing break :(

I wouldn't dream of demanding his new partners address, although I know the kids sometimes havesleepovers there, or his parents new address where the kids stay when they see their grandparents. He is their parent and has parental responsibility and I leave him to ensure they're safe when they're with him.

He's claiming it's for "the children's welfare". Just to add he has no reason to believe they'd come to harm
at my partners house- no history or abuse, neglect,
drink or drugs or anything "on" either of us. He's just ebony jealous and spiteful.

Any ideas? Thanks :)

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MakeItALarge · 03/08/2012 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OlympicRelay · 03/08/2012 19:04

I think any parent with pr, should know where the children sleep.

If a parent is no longer around, then I wouldn't bother, as your ex is involved he should share with you and you him where the children sleep. I think you and he can use sarahs law to get criminal checks on each others new partner too.

Slowcooker123 · 03/08/2012 19:20

But I can't see why we need to know? When they are with him I know he, as their father, keeps them safe. Unless I am going to tune up at his new partner's why do I need her address? It just seems like unnecessary information. Plus he's using it to control and upset me.

I'm definitely not telling him :(

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 03/08/2012 19:32

So how can he check out your new partner under sarahs law? Does he have his name?

Slowcooker123 · 03/08/2012 19:40

Why does he need to "check out" my new partner? I have no idea what Sarah's Law is (off to google).

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Olympia2012 · 03/08/2012 19:42

Well to your ex it's a man who he knows nothing about.... And your children sleep under his roof.

MakeItALarge · 03/08/2012 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slowcooker123 · 03/08/2012 19:50

I suppose I'm just a slack mummy then, but I do not presume every man to be a paedophile! Lol. Do people really do this?

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MrGin · 03/08/2012 19:54

Turn the situation around and I guarentee you'd be wanting to know where your XP was taking the dc for holidays.

This situation comes up fairly regularly in here. And the advice without fail ( if it a woman wanting to know where her XP and dc are sleeping ) is a parent has a right to know where there kids are.

Olympia2012 · 03/08/2012 19:57

Yes people do check!!
There have been cases where paedophiles prey on single mothers. It's not like any new partner is going to tell you his intentions. Anyway, it can only show up cases where there have been previous offences. You would want to know wouldn't you??

Slowcooker123 · 03/08/2012 20:04

MrGin- But what can he "do" with the information? Nothing. Unless he plans on turning up! :( Based on his form for being an arse he may well do that.

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BigBandwitch · 03/08/2012 20:06

My x got a private detective to get my new address when I moved. He sent me a christmas card just to let me know he knew.

Olympia2012 · 03/08/2012 20:06

It's not hard in this day and age is it!

MakeItALarge · 03/08/2012 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrGin · 03/08/2012 23:04

Slowcooker.

I think really there are two questions.

The answer to the first, IMO, is that an involved parent has an absolute right to know where their beloved children are.

Not on an hour by hour basis of course, but holidays yes.

I'm an nrp and as much as I trust my daughters mum I still want to know where they are on holiday. In my mind to avoid this situation.

Police : so mr gin you're concerned about your xp and dd not contacting you as usual whilst on holiday. Where are they?

MrGin : Er...... Somewhere in France.

I don't think it's unreasonable.

The second question concerns your XP and will he come down and cause a scene ?

I don't know him of course but let's assume he will.

The best I could advise as some random person on the Internet is , well, have some barrier. Give your holiday adress to someone yr XP could contact in an emergency ( your solicitor ? ) tell your xp what you're doing and why in the nicest possible way, and go have a great time.

Worst case scenario you get advance warning your xp is coming down.

OlympicRelay · 03/08/2012 23:05

Bigbandwich, omg, he paid a private detective for your address!

BigBandwitch · 04/08/2012 10:49

YES!! he did. He has spent more sending me frightening letters and on PIs to dig up my address than he has spent on maintenance. And he can see the children whenever he wants. Family members do the handovers for me. He pays no maintenance. And yet, he was indignant when I moved without telling him. He will never be here for cucumber sandwiches and a pot of tea.

MakeItALarge · 04/08/2012 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigBandwitch · 04/08/2012 13:00

not even a custard pie! Grin

NotaDisneyMum · 04/08/2012 17:54

I agree with MrGin - no matter how your ex has behaved in the past, he is still equally responsible for your DCs and to deliberately withhold information about their welfare and whereabouts is not the action of a parent committed to shared parenting.

Unfortunately, you probably have to accept the risk of your ex turning up and making a scene if you choose to 1) share the care of your DCs with your ex and 2) spend time with your DCs at your DPs house when they are in your care.

I have lived through this. My ex caused numerous scenes at the former marital home, and then transferred his attention to my DPs house when DD and I began to spend time there. My DP had to accept it as part of my history - he never once asked me to conceal my DDs whereabouts from their Dad, and I wouldn't have stayed with him if he had.

WildWorld2004 · 04/08/2012 21:58

From his past actions i too would be nervous about giving out the address. Why does he need it, is he doing it for the power? I reckon so. Id do what someone else suggested & give it to someone u trust & give ur ex their details.

Slowcooker123 · 04/08/2012 22:32

Thanks, it helpful to get other people's opinions.

We don't have any contact really so it's not like he'd ever be worried due to me not answering the phone or making a call to him. What are the chance of "something happening" to me, dc's, dp and dsc!

I've decided not to tell him. It's not worth the stress and worry of him turning up. For me, dc and dp and his kids. DP hasn't asked me not to tell him but I have told him I probably won't.

Will speak with my solicitor Monday AM and check the legal side of things. If he were a nice decent human being Id have no problems giving it to him, due to his previous behaviour I don't trust him not to cause problems.

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Slowcooker123 · 04/08/2012 22:35

Oh and I will leave the address with my solicitor so I can be contacted if there is an emergency. Although as the kids are with me there aren't many reasons why EX would need to contact me in an emergency.

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