Moving away and leaving the kids here......................

[Pixiebabe]

This sounds so simple in some ways yet it's difficult in others...........I have a decision to make, which if it was just about me, I would have already made my decision and gone ahead with my plans, however, my decision affects my kids and so can't be taken so lightly.

A brief background..........my OH and I seperated 3 years ago and our divorce was finalised earlier this year. My children who were 17 and 14 at the time chose to live with me, which they have. We live in the same area as their dad and there has never been any restrictions on access on either side, and so they see their dad regularly. My OH and I are both now in new relationships and the children get on well with both respective partners. However my partner lives 200 miles away, we text, ring and get together every 3 weeks or so and have done for a while. But we've now decided to live together. My partner was going to look into moving here but there are too many issues ie job, sick elderely mother etc which have prevented this. I would love to move and be with my partner and apart from the kids there is nothing to stop me.

My problem is my youngest, he's now 18, he won't discuss the issue at all. My eldest has accepted that I plan to move and is happy to look at moving out with her boyfriend. But my son as I said won't discuss it all. Ideally I would like him to move back and live with his dad............this is his home after all and all his friends etc are here, but I have asked if he'd like to move with me? The only thing he has said is if he came with me he wouldn't see much of his dad and obviously vice versa. I plan to speak to his dad about my plans (there is always the possibility he wouldn't want his son back with him but I doubt it), but as my son is now an adult I want to involve him and his lack of discussion etc makes it impossible!

Do I just go ahead with my plans or do I put everything on hold until my son feels ready (if he ever does) to discuss it?

I should add I am 50 years old and not in the best of health, neither is my partner. I've had an awful few years with the divorce and health issues etc and feel a complete new start is what I need.

I'd appreciate any help and/or advice, it's all dragging me down.

That's a difficult one, Pixie. I can understand you wanting to start a new life after health issues/divorce etc but I think your son's silence is a sign that he's not happy with the idea of you moving away, whether with or without him. In an ideal world he would have regular contact with his Dad and continue living with you, but you're pushing him to choose.

I'd love to move abroad, my kids know I would, but they also know I wouldn't take them away from their Dad and I couldn't go without them, so I stay here. The trauma of the divorce and the aftermath means that I need to give them as much stability as possible, and that includes regular contact with their Dad and his new family.

Personally, I couldn't do what you're suggesting.

Does your 18 year old have any plans of his own? College? Uni? Job? It's likely to be an unsettling time for him anyway if he's waiting for results and / or hasn't made up his mind what to do next. Perhaps the prospect of you moving is just one too many factors for him to cope with right now? Understand your wanting to get on with your life, but can you hang on for just a bit longer until he's settled? Even if you were to give him a fixed time, say another 6 months, to help him get organised, that might make him feel that you were listening to him, rather than imposing this change without regard for his needs?

If you move and your DC stay put, is that okay for you? You say there's nothing stopping you 'apart from the kids'. But that's a pretty major exception.

I think you son needs to act like the adult he now is and discuss this with you. He's free to say he hates the idea, etc, but he needs to talk about it.

Is there anything the new location can offer to pull him there? Jobs? Education?

Are you in a council house or mortgaged house? If you are in council house make him joint tenant he can stay where he is. If mortgaged, could he maybe get housemate (or 2) to help cover mortgage and still stay where he is? If he can stay i home I think that would make a big difference to his point of view, also giving him some freedom to become a responsible adult?

Thanks to everyone who replied with their thoughts, I'll try and answer the questions you asked which will maybe give us all an idea what maybe best and where we go from here.

My son as I said is 18 and lives with me (his choice) with his dad literally living around the corner. He works full time at the moment on a 3 month contract, this is due to end on 31st August. This may be one of his worries going through his mind right now and it's probably his priority...............and not whether his mum may or may not move 200 miles away.

He's not ambitious at all, he has no idea what he'd like to do, which is nice that his current employment is keeping him happy and financially independant so to speak. He is a very sensitive young man, always has been and has always found it difficult to talk about what's bothering him, he always says he finds it hard to explain things. I guess in a way (as others who know him have said) he is an immature 18 year old.

As for our living conditions, we are renting, his father bought me out of the house when we seperated. I can't see him wanting to live alone and he has said he doesn't wish to live with his sister and her boyfriend when they move. I have to point out that my daughter is moving out whether I leave the area or not.

I really do appreciate everyone's thoughts and opinions, so please feel free to comment and have your say....good or bad.

Pixiebabe

I should add my son is a lazy bugger who does very little around the house to help. We even had an arguement with regards to paying his way when he got his wages..............

I'd plan to move in say January. Your son sounds like he needs a while to get his head around it - you're effectively forcing him to grow up when he doesn't want to! Not before time though. Let him sort his job situation first then maybe show him some ads for house-shares.

Don't forget he'll have his sister and dad close by when he needs a bit of help washing doing good luck

I think while 18 year olds may look like grown men, they are actually far from it - they are insecure, sensitive and very uncertain of themselves. They need lots of support and encouragement to point them in the right direction. Maybe take him out for a drink/lunch, spend some time with him chatting about anything else before you try to broach the subject of moving - he may be feeling very emotional about it but not want you to see that.

Just to add - my mum left my dad and moved to be with her new partner when i was 17 so similar age. I was left with my dad due to wanting to stay in the same area and also because I was not given the choice. I was devastated that she didnt give me a chance to make up my mind and did it quickly. I have never forgotten that it 'felt' as if she had chosen her partner over being near to me. I understand your reasons completely but is there any way you can give him time and options and emphasise that you would love him to come with you (this wasnt done for me) but that if he chooses to stay where he is you will understand. Then help him make his choice, put it into practice and stay around long enough to make sure he is ok. Fair enough it may take longer to move but 50 isnt exactly over the hill and for your 18 year old's peace of mind it may prove to be priceless.

Thank you to all who took the time to post and give opinions.

A brief update............things have changed slightly now, on speaking to my parents and various others (who all said do it and go, you deserve it, kids will be fine they're adults etc etc) my partner and I have decided to look at January in making the changes, there's still a small chance he'll move here, job situ allowing, but it's more likely I will move to be with him.
My son's job unfortunately ended last week, their reason being that his probationary period proved unsuccessful. This obviiously added another dimension to the situation............so I therefore decided to inform my ex husband on my plans. This has had both positive and negative results..........the ex seemed to get it in his head that I was moving away almost immediately and on out chat earlier this week, I had to get him to apply the breaks! I felt I was being rushed and pushed faster than I wanted to be...........after all the children are my priority. The ex has now lost interest in the situation until my son moves in (his words not mine). On the positive side my son has talked to me at length about everything and is now much happier to talk about things and is more accepting of the issue. He's even starting to make plans on changing broadband/cables etc when he moves lol...............that's my son all over, sort out the practical

I know there are still things to sort out but now the kids have their father to talk too about things and that a date has been given as a guidline to changes, every seems much happier.

Pixie, this time last year, i was in hell, divorced living in the same area as my exh which meant i was 100 miles away from my family (id moved to be with exh when we got married 14 yrs earlier but was always home sick, the final thing that ended or marriage was that ex said he would move to be nearer my family, then one night told me to get over it it was never gunna happen!!) my kids are 13 and 10.

as much as loved my kids a year on from divorce and living in a village with ex family who refused to speak to me. i decided enough was enough, and choose to move.

i gave both my children the option of moving with with as exh said he would take me to court for custordy if i just took the children.

My 13 year old decided to stay. he did want to leave his mates or his school, my 10 year old came with me.

As a family (team mum) we have made it work, kids spend every weekend with each other at alternate homes, mine and exh. its not perfect, but im happy kids are happy and i am always open about it. i always as 13 if he wants to come live with us, i make a joke out of it but i want him to know he still as the choice so does my 10 year old.

if your kids are older it sounds like there is never a good time and at 18 your youngest is an adult. i would however give both kids the option.

it worked for me

Thanks Belleshell for your post and sorry you had such an awful time.

Mine are 18 and 21 so yes they're adults, and I want them both to have a choice. My eldest has made it clear she doesn't want to live with her dad as much as she loves him and is making plans to move out with her bf and some friends. The youngest as I said is now much happier and seems to look forward to moving back with his dad, should he make that choice.

I lost my job earlier this week so would be easier for me now to move ahead with my plans, but have decided to hold off just for time being. if both the children decided to move out before January and seem happy and settled, then maybe I will bring the date forward, we shall have to see.

i have a new moto" life is too short to be unhappy!" go be happy pixie