Sorry this is long...
I hope you can help me see the wood for the trees - I've been separated 5 yrs, div'd 2.5 yrs. 3 kids 20, 17, 13. Ex had an affair with his sec, moved in together fairly quickly and now have had 2 babies in quick succession. Despite agreeing that whatever happened we would stay on speaking terms for the kids' benefit, we no longer talk at all, our last phone conversation was Aug last year when we had a huge row about our DS2's education (poor exam results, what next etc).
Firstly he moved out less than a year after we bought a big house, huge mortgage etc. It had taken over 3 years to move to the house of our dreams .... So Im in the house, he's signing it over to me and we're both on the mortgage and he has another mortgage on his house with gf. He earns big money and has eye-wateringly large mortgages and debts. I haven't had an increase in maintenance/child support since we divorced in Oct 09. I've consulted a sol and he calculated how much is due. I wrote to ex with a breakdown - he disputed every detail until I explained a sol had worked it out for me. That was several months ago. He hasn't done anything about it.
Second issue relates to non-communication. He arranges visits directly with the kids and has been doing so for a long time now. Usually this is ok as he has my DD one (alternate) day each weekend (DS1 and 2 see them when they want to - less regularly). The week before last he and his family were ill so I wrote and asked if he wanted to leave DD coming over since they were ill. I also told him I'd arranged a hol for kids and me and would he be able to contribute. (NB On several occasions I've asked him to contribute to kids' hols and he's said yes and then decided not to, after I've booked it!) No reply to my text. I previously wrote a nice text to him, saying it would be very helpful if he could acknowledge my texts so I know he's got them as previously he's denied they've gone thru. He replied "OK" to one text after that. So I cancelled my date (a whole other thread!!) for Sunday and then he decided he was ok and that all 3 could go over after all for a picnic in the park. So I spent the day on my own.
I have recently realised that he discusses what I'm doing (ie all aspects of my life, job etc) with DS1 - they are very similar in personality and clash like crazy but he spoils DS1 rotten, gives money like its going out of style. By contrast DS2 and DD ask for nothing and get very little indeed. They have both admitted they're afraid to ask cos he'll go ballistic. DS1 can handle it tho.
It really bothers me that he discusses these details with DS1. I feel I have a good relationship with DS1 (we have had a number of serious issues in the past but all is ok now) - I'm trying to treat him like an adult and involve him in family decisions (ie moving house, my business, finances etc) but to find that all this is going back to my ex is soul-destroying.
I've had enough - last weekend was the final straw re lack of communication and now he's discussing with DS1 about our hol, where we're going, how much it is and telling him he'll contribute.
This is driving me mad - he gets on with his own life but has to find out the details of mine and decide if he'll help or not. He's controlling and manipulative and I need to put a stop to it.
If you're still reading, thank you for your patience - I hope somebody can put me on the right track ....