DD doesn't want to see her father

[GreatBallsofFluff]

DD(7) said last week that she didn't want to see her dad at the weekend. She hasn't said she doesn't want to see him again at all, but she has now wanted to go to his the last couple of times she's been due to go.

Background: ExP and I broke up when DD was 18 monhts. Horrible split, but over the years I have learnt how to be civil to the man. DD used to see him for a few hours each week when she was younger (encouraged by me more than ExP). ExP then ended up with his other daughter from another relationship living with him. He then started having DD round every fortnight for one night (alternating between Friday and Saturday). This was when she was 4 or 5.

I ended up getting DD a toothbrush and toothpaste to leave there as he wasn't interested in making life easier. He eventually got her some pyjamas (as a christmas present, about a year after she had been going there regularly). He doesn't spend time with her when she is there - it is left to his other daughter, who is older than DD, to entertain her. I have sent DD with games and cards etc to play, and always comes back saying ExP didn't play with her, but his daughter did.

He looked after her a couple of weeks ago as she had been sick during the night, and the school wouldn't let her back in (fair enough). My very very good friend looked after her in the morning (I had to work and had already taken unpaid leave for the previous day) and was dropping her at her dad's in the afternoon. Found out ExP had taken her to the pub that afternoon. I understand that this is a regular 'outing' for them.

So the last two times DD has said she doesn't want to go, and I haven't forced her. I told ExP it was due to tiredness the first time (she had been up early for the Next sale with me ) but I thought that was true, until this weekend she said to me "I don't want to go". I was in two minds about whether to send her anyway or not send her. ExP does not neglect her, or abuse her, it is purely lack of interest in DD, and boredom as to why she doesn't go (he does not have anything there, and very rarely takes her out, except to the park).

In the end I didn't make her go, and as usual ExP couldn't have cared less, just saying that his other daughter wasn't there so it wouldn't have been fun for DD anyway. I did reply saying that it's not up to his other daughter to entertain DD, but up to him and maybe that's why she doesn't want to go.

I do wonder whether I made the right choice though. I stopped seeing my dad at around the same age for the same reasons, and again he wasn't bothered at all (his life was easier), and once that was done, I never had a relationship with him, and it was another 8 years before I saw him again (and I don't have a relationship with him now, I can't stand the man). It would be nice if DD had a relationship with her dad, but I don't want to force it.

Also, purely selfish reasons which I am embarrassed about even thinking, but the one night a fortnight DD went to her dad's, was the only rest I got either to just slob out in bed all day, or go out for drinks. If she doesn't go then it's trickier finding a babysitter as I have no family around.

But at the same time, ExP has no interest in DD whatsoever. If I ask to cancel visits due to going to visit family or whatever, he doesn't care, doesn't ask to have her a different time instead. We live in the same town (smallish). He doesn't ask to have her more often in the holidays. As I say, he doesn't do anything with her, apart from occasionally take her to the park, but often to the pub.

A (childless) friend said that she's only 7, and therefore I should force DD to go, just for respite for me but I don't think I should if she's not happy, but friend pointed out it's only for 26 days of the year.

Sorry this is such a messy post. If you can make sense of it I would love any thoughts.

Oooh that is a tricky one. I can see why you should force her to go as it will help form some kid of relationship but on the other hand if he shows no interest in her could that damage her self-esteem more than no contact. I think taking her to the pub is awful if it is a regular thing and not very exciting for a 7 year old.

However, I am with you in the needing a break thing and a lie. My ex rarely turns up and I get furious at him and I must say although I think it is very important for DS to see his dad I think from a selfish point I am gutted about not getting a lie in

Not sure I have been much help there at all. Can you not suggest place where he takes her each time and get her to say where she would like to go.

He sounds rather dull and depressed though. Not that that is an excuse.

Thanks Happylander.
I do suggest places (cinema, beach, bowling etc) but he always pleads poverty coupled with him not being able to drive as excuses for not doing it.

I am glad you don't think badly of me for thinking selfishly of a lie in.

Don't get me wrong, in that i have pub lunches with dd but usually in a child friendly pub with soft play and for the purpose of a meal. ExP takes her into 'old man' pubs for the purpose of a drink. they don't have food there. it started off with only once in a while but it is now every time he has her. I have warned him in the past that she won't want to see him if he doesn't make an effort but it seems to fall on deaf hard.

You're right in that he is disinterested. :-(

Maintaining a relationship with her dad is very important as long as he's not abusive or violent, obviously.

Can you talk to your ex and tell him what your daughter is saying? I had to do this once with my ex.

If not, I think you need to do all you can to maintain contact but you may consider that there's less of it or smaller bursts but more often.

I think there's a real danger that if you give a 7 year old such a choice over something so fundamentally life changing you are setting yourself and her up for problems in the future as she will think she can make all sorts of decisions and overrule you as a parent.

I also think if kids don't see one parent there can be a tendency for the child to put that parent on a pedestal, if not now, then sometime in the future, and when they do finally reunite (which they nearly always do), the child ends up disappointed and let down.

I don't see my dad and he keeps telling my newly found sister that I'm not his and I'm lying. I really don't care and I didn't miss him, still don't. I keep thinking his loss. My mum had offered over the years to take me but I said no, he clearly didn't want anything to do with me and it really hurt me when I was younger. I thought I had done something on him. Best thing for you to do is probably talk to your dd and get her to explain why she doesn't want to go. I wouldn't force her either, she may end up resenting you and him. Speak to your ex and tell him what ur daughter is saying and if he doesn't care then leave it and wait for him to get in touch with you. She probably won't miss him. I get the lie in aspect every mother does and Its not selfish because I do it too but ultimately and I'm sure you know this, it's your daughters happiness that you need. Why don't you bring her in to bed with you in the mornings you are off and veg out and watch tv. My mum used to do that when she needed a lie in

Speak to your ex and tell him what ur daughter is saying and if he doesn't care then leave it and wait for him to get in touch with you. She probably won't miss him.

The problem with that approach is that it can be challenged in court; a child has a right (written into European Law) to a relationship with both parents, and that means that there is a legal expectation on parents to ensure that young children do maintain contact, regardless of what they say - lets be fair, most 7 year olds don't want to eat their greens, go to bed, wash behind their ears, but their parents make sure they do because it is the best thing for the child. Seeing a parent is no different. Even if Dad doesn't care now, he may in the future, and he would get awarded contact if he went to court; and it is much harder for a DC to get to know a parent again after months or years of no contact than it is to stick with a regular contact schedule.

If her Dad doesn't make the effort, and she is bored and fed up when she is with him, then you can support her to learn how to deal with that and talk to him about it herself - and as she gets older, she will undoubtedly draw her own conclusions about him, but he is her Dad, and she will love him no matter what you think of him, or how lousy a parent he is.

I'm in the same boat, I have 2 children with my ex 5 and 7 and the 7 yr old says he is boring and doesn't do anything with them, only shouts a lot, he has only had them twice over night and we have been separated 2 yrs, I try and encourage a relationship with him for their sakes as I never knew my dad. Are arrangement is that he has them every Sunday for a few hours, no overnight stays, but even that has been a struggle they have refused the last couple of weeks, but he isn't bothered i have told him he needs to be fun dad until he has a relationship with them, I am happy to be the sole disciplinarian as I have their respect and love, which he doesn't. He doesn't help himself though as on fathers day he cancelled seeing them and went on holiday. Sometimes I do feel why do I bother as he doesn't, but then I realise I'm doing it for them not him.
So try and stick with it if you can, or change the visitation arrangement to something your child is happier with.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice.

Redhen "I also think if kids don't see one parent there can be a tendency for the child to put that parent on a pedestal, if not now, then sometime in the future, and when they do finally reunite (which they nearly always do), the child ends up disappointed and let down."
That is exactly what happened with me and my dad.

NotaDisneyMum I don't think there is any danger of him trying to get visitation through the Courts.

I think I'll talk to him (again!) and say he needs to make the effort, and maybe these last couple of weekends when she hasn't wanted to go may make him wake up to that fact.

I would definitely like DD to maintain a relationship with his other daughter as they are sisters, and they get on really well. I just feel sorry for his other daughter (he has residency of her) as I understand that she is "kept at home" on the nights where DD is due to be there (for reasons I can easily guess at) and I worry that this will cause resentment towards DD when she gets older (other daughter is 11). I have also mentioned this to him in the past and it falls on deaf ears as well.

I will suggest shorter visits, maybe not overnights and see how DD/ExP feel about that.