Widowed with new baby. Need practical ideas!

[IcanandIwill]

So, I've posted before about my situation. DH died suddenly and a week later I gave birth to our third DC. This was three months ago.

I'm now thinking about how I can help us all move forward. My eldest is 5, middle one 22 months and then there is baby DS.

I have amazing RL support but I'm looking for practical advice, any tips to make life easier. I've got a cleaner and am thinking of some paid help in the evenings to make bedtime easier to manage.

Anyone have any ideas or suggestions for how I can make life run as smoothly as possible?

Sounds tough.

Best way I found to do bedtimes when mine were around 5 and 2 was to read the 5 year old bedtime story in room with 2 year old in bed - she actually fell asleep better that way and interupted less than when we tried to do it in a different room. And when it was baby and toddler, I usually got the baby feeding whilst the toddler held the book for me to read to him - but I only have 2, so not quite as much of a challenge as 3.

Also used to record favourite programmes from cbeebies and put them on at particular times when I wanted some peace to do something (eg cook dinner).

A bouncy chair for the baby is good too if they like it, and a door bouncer - both are ways of entertaining a baby for a short whilst whilst you eat dinner or do some housework. Or a sling that you can carry the baby around in and/or feed them in works well.

Ooh thanks. Bedtime is definitely the most difficult time of day. Im tired, they're tired and feel like everyone wants a piece of me. I think bedtime stories are really important so want to make sure I can juggle it somehow.

I am sorry to hear of your loss OP

It sounds like you have put into place some really good practical support.

I am going to suggest that you now try and do something for yourself. How about an exercise class or evening class? Something for you?

I'd love to! But I'm still trying to figure out how to fit it in. I suppose I'm not used to having to be this organised.

Sorry to hear of your loss :(

Colleges have child care students who would be very interested in a placement with you - a few hours over teatime/bedtime would give you some help and a student some hands on practical experience.

Norland Nannies are often looking for somewhere to place their students too.

This isn't exactly a practical suggestion but the actress Natasha Mcelhone was suddenly widowed when pregnant and had to grapple with things exactly as you are. She's written a book which was very well reviewed. here. You might find that a helpful read. Not because your experience will be like hers - everybody grieves differently - but it's fellow feeling isn't it? It can be helpful.

Really sorry to read your post OP. Have no idea how you are managing. Good suggestion re local colleges and childcare students. My sister had twins when her first child was 18 months and she had a childcare student placed with her for a year. It might also be worth asking your health visitor what support might be available.

Thanks for the suggestions. An au pair or childcare placement is definitely an option. I suppose I'm just trying to figure out what my options on that front are. I want to consider all the options but my mind is so full I don't want to miss the blindingly obvious!

Oh and as lovely as my HV is she is not actually that great on practical advice!

So sorry about your husband, OP . Am really inspired by your can-do-it-ness though...you sound like a fabulous Mum .

My three are exactly that far apart (now 10, 7 and 5). I'd say definitely try and get the older two into bed by 6:30/7pm so you can have some time to focus on the baby (evening cluster feeds and so on). Order in groceries and forget about "cooking". Most kids that age are happy with really simple things like plain buttered pasta (toss in some broccoli at the last minute) or plain chicken, peas and bread and butter. Boiled eggs and soldiers with orange slices. PB & J and a glass of milk. Things which are balanced but don't require any effort on your part. Do you have a community centre or recreation centre with a creche? I found that a lifeline. I'd put all three in for an hour and go and run on the treadmill or visit the library or go for a swim or sometimes just sit in a study carrel and snooze...

Sorry for your loss. Mine are older but I found audio books useful. After my husband died the children went through a stage of not wanting to let me out of their sight, the books were great for amusing one while I did homework, baths etc with another.

Brilliant if you can afford an au pair. Online shopping, taking friends up on offers of help- I don't take too much advantage but there are still days I need an hour to myself just to get the wherewithal to carry on.

The days tended to blur into one another, my MIL bought me a notebook and told me to try and write one positive thing down every day. It was hard, some days there was nothing, gradually I was writing two or three times (mainly about the children) and now I have a book full of little memories that I would have lost amongst all the sadness.

The main piece of advice I would give is make a little time for yourself. In the early days I burned out trying to prove I could manage, trying to help the children cope and refused many offers of help/support. In retrospect I was wrong, I didn't have to prove anything and the only person I really hurt was myself. I eventually couldn't get out of bed one day and it all came to a head.

I wish you the very best, it's damn hard but you find the strength because you need to.

Yes the eldest two definitely do the not wanting me out of their sight thing. Which I totally understand but it does make it tricky to juggle with a new baby as well. I suppose routine is going to be key to all of us. I just need to figure out a routine that works. We have a load of audio books for children, I'm going to dig them out and get a little CD player. Thanks.

Again, I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. Other people I know who are widowed have talked highly of an organisation called WAY (Widowed and Young) where there will be lots of other people in the same boat as you.

In time, you might consider joining some of the single parent holiday groups around. If you google them, you'll find them. I go on a trip every couple of years with my lot. They have a marvellous time running around with the other children and it reminds them - without ramming it down their throats - that there are lots of other children like them and that family life can be great, even with one parent.

Thanks for the holiday idea. I'll definitely do that in the future.

Food ideas are good. Think I need to come up with some more non 'cooking' meal ideas.

What about getting everyone up and out in the mornings, any tips?

Easy meal ideas -
Big tub of home made pasta salad - include cheese cubes, bits of ham, cherry tomatoes, sweetcorn etc..can make a big tub and it will keep in the fridge for a couple of days - easy to dip into
Get a freezer if you haven't got one, then do big pots of veg soup (e.g. minestrone, butternut squash and carrot, mixed veg) and freeze in portions - easy to reheat from frozen in minutes. Also freeze batches of bolognese, casserole etc
Stuffed mini pittas - stuff with red and yellow pepper strips, feta/halloumi/cheddar cheese or hummus, cherry tomatoes, grated carrot etc
Ready roasted chicken, couscous and mixed salad or roasted vegetables;
Stuffed tuna jackets - bake some smallish potatoes until cooked through. Scoop out the middle and mix the potato with tinned tuna (drained) and little bit of mayo, pile back into potato skins and top with grated cheese, bake for further 10 mins.
Not 'no cook' meals, more 'minimum cook child friendly' meals!

Hope that helps x

A friend was widowed with a young baby and joined The Way Foundation f or widows or widowers under 50 she says it's excellent.

Try that for social support/emotional support.

Good luck!

I have no useful advice but I wanted to pass on my heartfelt sympathy and best wishes for your future. You sound incredibly together and I hope you're looking after yourself, as well as your DCs x

Good luck to you.

We do a lot of 'non' cooking - using slowcooker - everything goes in and then forgotten about till teatime. May take a bit of practice at first to get the hang of how much liquid, and spice/seasoning preferences but we're now at the stage where we sit back after a good meal and can't believe how well we're eating for minimum effort. For you it may be worth getting a large one so you end up with batches for the freezer - sounds like a big freezer may be your friend!

Thanks Slow Cooker sounds like a great idea. Especially for when
DD1 is back at school.

Talking of school if anyone has any tips on getting us all up and out for school on time that would be great!

if anyone has any tips on getting us all up and out for school on time that would be great!

Mine would be to get absolutely everthing you can ready the night before (packed lunch made up and the entire lunchbox in the fridge, bags packed, shoes found and placed ready, etc). Then work out how you want to juggle the baby's feeds around the school run - you may need to wake the baby up to get him fed and ready. If you're at home with the two youngest in the day, focus on getting DD1 ready, you can sort out the others afterwards.

I would agree with Purpleroses.
Get everything ready the night before. School bags packed, PE kit ready and all by the door ready to go. School uniform and clothes for you and your other two all out ready the night before.

I too send you my sympathy and admiration for your attitude

So so for your loss.
I have found that giving the children some responsibility and a reward chart has helped enormously, we have house rules that the children have written themselves, a chore list which they receive a smiley face etc. I also had to do myself a timetable, as I was struggling to give myself time to study and time for me, this has helped me and the children and has ensured they have as much mummy time and fun time as possible, as well as reading and playing with friends. The kids also love helping at meal times, even if its just laying the table and clearing the table, try and do things together as a family rather them mummy doing everything for them, it gives them self esteem, responsibility and independence. when mine were babies I had a baby sling, baby bouncer, door bouncer, baby swing, and play pen, for the times when I needed my hands free. Also preparing in advance is always helpful, meal planning for the week, ordering food online if you can, I loved Annabell Karmel cookery books she has some great ideas,

Sorry for your loss.

I am on my own with 3 of a similar age, it feels ridiculous at times!

I try and make things as easy as possible, Ocardo on demand is awesome. Shopping now takes 5 minutes, chaos can be reining but it all feels better when you know there is food on the way. I buy tins of onions that have already been chopped and fried for you (I used to totally turn my nose up at the idea of those) and flash wipes for the floor/loo.

Do you walk your school run Ican? I find it a bit easier in the winter because I can put the cosy toes one the buggy and (if it has all gone wrong) no one can see that DS still has his PJ?s on, same for the baby, he goes in his sling in his baby grow.

DD gets herself dressed for school. At some point over the weekend I load her wardrobe up with uniform so that she has everything she needs. Same for the younger two, in the morning I just dash in and pick up what I need. I keep my wardrobe pretty organised, I went out and bought enough so that if I have a dreadful week and don?t manage to wash anything until the weekend I have enough to last (especially underwear).

I am mean and they have 2 choices for breakfast, it saves on arguments and making up of minds which take up time. I eat my breakfast on the hop while I am making packed lunch/porridge etc. DD is also responsible for getting her school bag out and finding her lunch box from the kitchen. She also puts DS?s shoes on (poor child...).