Having a really crap day -v.long. Am sorry...

[Seapixie]

Just wanted to hear what people thought...

My exP left at the beginning of May and has rarely seen DSs (4 and 15 months) since. It has been over 4 weeks since his last contact as he "can't cope with the guilt". The has continually let the boys down with regards to seeing them and has now decided not to see them at all until he "gets his head sorted".

We live in a tiny community where nothing is private. Today, an acquaintance of us both phoned me at work to say she had spoken to exP yesterday about why he doesn't see the boys. She is legally trained (although no longer practising) and said she has suggested that she acts as an intermediatry between us i.e. I drop the boys to her, she contacts exP and he comes to see them.

I thanked her for her offer but said that I felt he should come through me to see the boys. I have made upwards of 100 contacts with exP that have gone unanswered with regards to him seeing the boys. On the odd occasion he has seen them I have picked him up/dropped him back/cooked meals for us all to have etc. I feel I have made every effort to get him to see the boys - even making it clear that the fact he does not support them financially (despite having a full time job and rapidly growing party lifestyle) is a completely separate issue to contact.

I have been left today feeling completely inadequate. I do not want to drop the boys with this person - they do not know her and have spent no social time with her at any point (I am also not comfortable with some of her behaviours and do not think it would be safe for DSs).

It is very difficult as DS1 is obviously aware of where Daddy lives and would really like to see him. I reassure him every day that Daddy loves him and will get in touch as soon as he is ready. I just feel that I have been acting in the best interests of the boys and that I should wait until exP gets in touch with me directly. The last time he answered a call from me was last week and he said he needed at least another 3 weeks. I have told him that I want him to see the boys and will support their relationship when he feels he wants it, but it is all or nothing - no letting the boys down. ExP knows he can see the boys whenever he wants and is welcome to use my house as he has nowhere suitable of his own.

I know, from the content of this conversation, that exP is not being truthful to others about why he is not seeing the boys, but that is not the issue that bothers me the most...

I'm really sorry for such a long post and would really appreciate any input or advice.

I am sorry you are going through this. Men are such pricks aren't they. My advice is to stop trying to push contact. Very hard I know as you need a break. It has taken me a while to do.

If I was you I would suggest a regular pattern of contact to him and not have it in your home. This is not doing you any good. You need to look after yourself and have some space and time to yourself. Suggest a day or a couple of days with overnights and times he needs to pick the kids up at and when to drop them off. Your kids need routine too as well as you. The other good thing about this is that you can keep a diary of it and document when he does not show up and any excuse he may have for no contact. At some point he will drag you to court for contact so that he can make out to his friends you are stopping him and not that he can't be arsed. I might just be bitter as that is what my ex has done to me but I also know of a few others that have done the same as men like to play the victims. Email and don't call him about contact as this will further evidence that you have suggested regular contact but he has failed to show up or respond.

I can see why that woman feels she may be doing what she considers best but tell her no thanks, your children don't know her and would be uncomfortable and confuse about the situation and they have had enough upset as it is. That you have no problem with Ex picking children up from your house and point out that he rarely does this.

By the way you are not inadequate he is. He is the one not putting your children first while you are. Stay strong and it does get better can be a bit bumpy but it does get better.

Sorry if I sound so bitter I am having a shite day too LOL

Oh and go to the CSA he needs to provide for his kids.

So sorry you are also having crap day. This is one case of definately not best in numbers!
Unfortuantely exP cannot have boys at his. He rents a room in shared accommodation and everyone smokes/drinks/parties (no problem with this per se but not ideal for babies - especially those with asthma!).
You are right about the future compaints re: contact. I can almost see this coming... Must start to get organised and keep proper diary.
I just feel so sorry for our gorgeous boys, particularly DS1 who, deep down, I know is feeling completely rejected. It doesn't matter to him that Daddy has never spent time alone with him or his brother. All he know is that Daddy lives just down the road and yet doesn't turn up to see him...
Thank you for taking the time to show your support. Am sending you a virtual hug (don't know how to use the smiley face things!) and I really hope things improve for you.

Sea - it is hurtful to your DC (and thus upsetting to you) when their father doesn't make efforts to see them.

Similar situation here.

When I'm feeling soft in the head generous and understanding, I ponder the situation from my exs pov and can see that he feels uncomfortable entertaining the DC in his new accomodation. I can also see that it's all a novelty shock to the system because he has never 'done' childcare. He also has transport issues and working hours difficulties.

(When I'm feeling a little bit more removed I ponder the fact that I work full time, financially support 3DC and have major time constraints....and he is off to the pub and can't have them tonight......)

Don't trust him. Do negotiate via e-mail so that there is a trail. Do keep records of all events even silly ones. Do expect him to tell everyone you have stopped him seeing the DC (absolves himself of responsibility for the behaviour). Do go to the CSA.

Do remember that if you were in the same situation you'd fight tooth and nail for 10minutes with your DC

So reassuring to hear from you - although completely crap to hear of someone else in same situation!

Your advice is sound and most definitely taken on board. Will switch from phone/text where there is no record with pay as you go and use email.

Funnily enough, the last time I spoke to him about financial support for boys I mentioned CSA - presenting it as he wouldn't have to have the conversation with me about money. He said "it might be better" and I suspect this is because he has no intention whatsoever of filling in any forms.

All this aside, if he was willing to make a proper commitment to the boys, even if it was only once a week, I would still probably pick him up (15 mins walk away but too far for him apparently...) and encourage him to use our home as I think the boys, especially DS1, would love it.

Am I just sad and clinging to false hope?....

false hope possibly but definately go through CSA they will force him to fill in forms and if he doesn't go straight to his employers and take it from his wage.

Well if he uses your house I suggest you go out but this is not ideal. Don't cook him meals and tell him to take the kids to the park and out to lunch/dinner. Your house is your space and he should really find somewhere to take them like the majority of separated fathers..soft play etc.

You are not sad just not used to how shite some men are yet. Harden up and lay down some ground rules and stop letting him walk all over you. he can walk 15 mins do not pick him up. My 2 and half year old can walk for 2 hours at a time so I am sure a grown man can manage 15 mins!! What a lazy sod!

Maybe put down some ideas for a pattern of contact and get your friend to go through it with him, then the truth will be out there?
I agree with others who mentioned the CSA - but you could also mentioned that in the letter to your friend?.
So sorry you have to go through such a horrible time.

Thank you!

Happylander - I really laughed at your comment about walking! A light bulb moment for me there I think!

Avenueone - thank you for this suggestion. I am completely open to any pattern of contact as ExP well knows. The only thing I am immovable on is the all or nothing. I just breaks my heart to see DS1 so rejected. He has never taken the boys out wihtout me - even in the 6 years we were together. However, if it's best for the boys I live in hope... That's why am OK with contact being at our home. It's at least familiar teritory for boys and I can be here for them if needed, even if reading a book in bedroom (some hope!).

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. Feel much less lonely and your support is much appreciated x

It does get better. I am now at the point where I think thank fuck he left me and I am enjoying life and this is despite him talking me to court to force a sale of a house he will receive no money from and does not pay a penny towards.

His reason for not seeing our DS this weekend is that I dared tell him what I thought about him trying to force me and our DS out the family home. You soon realise that you are grateful they are an ex. He has seen DS once in 7 weeks but according to him he is a great dad.....hmm clearly not! Male perception of stuff is warped in my view LOL.

If you really feel that he has to see the kids in your house then get out. Go sit somewhere and read your book. Go to a cafe or a nice bar and have a glass of vino. Enjoy the silence and let him learn to cope with the kids by himself he will learn and you just have to trust him. Let go a little. I love it when ex has my DS as I get a lie in if I am not working, I can eat crap and just mooch about, take the dog for long walks without having to deal with toddler tantrums, see friends (I avoid the ones with kids! LOL). If only my ex turned up regularly life would be sweet.

See the positives and ignore his shit. Easier said than done though I know.

Glad you are feeling more positive keep strong.

uisng a third party is not a bad idea actually and in time your DS will get to know her.

you ex in your hosue is not a good idea really as he may snoop on your stuff for on and also is confusing for DS as he is left thinking well if he can be in my house why cant he stay?

hat he has nowhere suitable is your ex's problem to sort out

i would accept this offer and trial it .

also your ex coming to your hosue - well certainly i had an aversion to going back to the joint owned house and recalling all bad times.... - if he needs to sort his head then going back to the place he has been kicked out of wont help will it? he may feel stressed or anxious etc. and how might this manifest?

best to start a pattern of dc see dad at dad's place or elsewhere. otherwise it will lead to trouble.

take up this lady's offer. do a short hour long trial see how it goes.

and frankly if you cant trust him with them and need to be there to "help" then he wont ever step up to the plate...you need to let him get on with it but not on your territory.

he needs to take them out some place else or use this lady's place.