Ex moving closer

[pinky23]

Help need advice, my Ex and his GF are moving closer to where we live, he has every other weekend contact with DS at the moment. I am worried that he will want DS overnight midweek (although he hasnt said this specifically) which will be hugely disruptive for a 5 year old. I also feel he may use this to pay less CSA. I dont mind him seeing him for extra hours but dont want to change overall pattern of contact as its been working fine for 4 years the way it is and DS is settled and happy. We have had a contact order in place and never made any changes to it DS has good relationship with father and ive never said no to contact but I dont want his week being disrupted with going between 2 different houses am I being unreasonable?
thanks

Hi, firstly, I know how you feel as my ex has recently moved closer (split up with GF) and asked to have more contact, although I'm not sure how serious he is about this.

This might sound patronising, and I don't mean it to be, but you are worrying about something that has not yet happened. You don't actually know what he wants, so worrying about it isn't going to help. Do you have a good relationship with your Ex? Could you talk to him about what this move might mean for your DS?

It's not unusual for contact arrangements to change as a child gets older, and they get more independent and better able to cope. It may not unsettle DS, and might actually be good for him. Does he like spending time with his dad?

It might take some time for him to get used to a change, if there is one, but it's not a foregone conclusion that a change would be upsetting for him. It might even be good for him/ be something he enjoys, spending more time with his dad.

Plus, changes to contact need to be by agreement by both of you, so if you have concerns about a mid-week arrangement then you should discuss it with your ex. You might be able to work something different out. But I really don't think you should try to stop him from having increased contact for fear alone, that wouldn't be right.

As for CSA, why don't you speak to them and ask them if it could have an impact.

It might not be hugely disruptive - it may strengthen your DC and hid bond which would be lovely for your DC.

It's in your DC interest to have a strong bond with both parents.

A child having an overnight stay with their father isn't hugely disruptive.

So yes you're being unreasonable.

I think if you're worried about the disruption then maybe look at ways to introduce the change that's as kind to dc as possible.

I don't know the back story but if XP is moving closer to have more time with dc I don't think it's unreasonable to to have a midweek overnight, or really to discuss / work towards a 50:50 split if possible.

The maintenance shouldn't really come into this equation from either side.

your ds is getting older and it is perfectly reaonsable for him to have a mid week contact and an overnight mid week later if dad is close to school etc. if the weekend contact is fine and no issues then yes increased mid week contact should be seen as desirable.

Can you override your instincts and give it a different perspective? If there are no other parenting concerns, and there's a good relationship between DS and his father, mid-week contact could be great for all concerned.

Your DS would then see his father on a 'normal' schoolday, not just for fun times, which means they have the chance to establish a relationship on a different level too.

Your ex would be more connected to the realities school life (I know, you may not see that as a bonus from your pov at the moment!) but it can be really valuable. He may also understand the realities of childcare on a weekday too, which can be helpful.

From your DS' perspective, he will always be 'going between 2 houses', whatever the contact ratio - to know that both houses are your 'homes' during the week, rather than one home and one 'visiting place' works fine, from our experience.

It's a long time from 5 through the school years, so don't forget this also would mean that you too could benefit from one day in the week where you're free from having to do the pick up/supervise homework/shuttle to after school activities!

It's a win-win all round. (Believe me, from experience, I know that it probably doesn't feel it right now, and you may be worried about 'losing' your DS somehow - try to envisage yourself ten years down the line and how proud you'll be of the shared parenting style you've enabled to support your DS to have the best relationship with both parents that he can!)

pinky has your DS changed at all over the last 4 years, or are his practical and emotional needs exactly as they were when the current contact arrangements were set up? Your DS is growing up, isn't he?

My ex and I are learning (the hard way) that as DD grow up, what used to work for everyone in terms of contact and care doesn't work any more, and arrangements have to be renegotiated.
As your DS grows up, he will have his own opinion and wishes, which you will also need to take into account when discussing things with his Dad.

In your DS mind, you and his Dad are equally important - you are both his parents - and he will undoubtedly want to share all aspects of his life with both of you, not exclude one of you because it leads to changes to what had gone before

If it helps, my DH used to have his son for tea one night when he was younger for about a year which then just built up to staying over, easier for mum who found she was getting her six year old back and then she was having o do the mundane stuff such as bath and straight to bed, which DSS never liked (still doesn't at 13) so we started having him overnight, he has a minimum ofonemid week stay now, usually two, sometimes four and either fri to sat or sat to sun. DSS is now 14 in two weeks and it's fab. We also never reduced any maintenance, it was never about that :)

I agree with pombear. DS is the winner because he gets both his parents on an equal basis.