Mostly Absent Father wants to See Toddler

[MummySparx]

Hi there,

In May last year I separated from the father of our (then) 12 month old child and have just recently been granted a divorce. I am seeing someone, he lives with me (so technically I'm not a "lone" parent but didn't know where else to post this!) and he basically raises K as if she is his child. K calls him Daddy, is very attached to him, and in her eyes he is her Daddy (and mine!).

My ex took the split pretty hard. He does not have a steady job, claims to be unemployed but I know that he does do cash jobs here and there (and have bank statements to prove it), he has never paid me any maintenance for K at all. He hardly sees K - He saw her in September 2011 (by showing up at her daycare) for half an hour, and then next saw her in January 2012 for literally ten minutes. He NEVER phones to ask about her, he doesn't email and he doesn't even send me a free bbm to ask how she is (just to show that it's not a money thing - I've given him ways of communicating that don't cost money). I see he posts things on Facebook showing he goes out here and there (so has money for that, and can arrange transport for that too), and has even been very nearby (literally a five minute walk away) but hasn't popped in to see K. I say all of this not to sound bitter, but because it makes me question his motives. He literally has shown no interest at all in his daughter.

The week before the court date, he suddenly asked to see K, and I allowed the visit. Mostly I will confess because I was worried he would hold it against me in the Court if I didn't even though I had doubts that a half an hour visit was the best thing for K. It was also rather awkward as this was the first time he had been in my home, with my boyfriend present since the split.

It was a short visit as she is in bed at 6 and he arrived at 5:30. Initially she didn't seem to be too bothered by him, he could have been anyone really, she played in the lounge and had her dinner, bath etc as usual. She did have a very disturbed night of sleep and I could see she was upset and confused by the disruption in her routine. K is EXTREMELY (probably like most 26 month olds) routine orientated.

3 days before the court date, he again asked to see her and this time my boyfriend was working late so wasn't there when he arrived. My ex seemed to bring the worst out in K - she was whiny, petulant, angry and defiant. She refused to eat dinner (she LOVES her food!!!) and for the very first time in her life she literally threw her plate across the room. She threw a tantrum when I tried to take her shoes off. She told me that she needed the toilet, but refused to let me take her, the ex had to (and he's never done this before). She didn't want to bath, threw a tantrum when I tried to bath her, and didn't want to go to bed. Fortunately by then Q had come home and K never pushes her luck with him, so she settled and went to sleep. However her sleep was very disturbed and she woke up about six times in the night, crying and anxious. I knew it was from the visit.

S, my ex, asked to see K again on Friday night, but this time I said no. I said I was out, which wasn't true, but I honestly could not cope with him, especially as he became very belligerent the day before the Court hearing, but fortunately he never showed up in Court (despite threatening to do so) and my divorce was granted on Thursday. When I said no, he replied "Ok, maybe next week".

So here is the thing - I am trying to do what is best for K - I do believe that her having a relationship with her father is important, but I also know that she will gain nothing from a relationship with him. He is a terrible role model, he is irresponsible and unreliable and not what I want for her in a Dad. I know that she needs to make up her own mind, but she's only 26 months old and she doesn't even really know who this man is.

I also honestly don't think that him coming to visit for an hour in an evening which is already busy with dinner, bath and bed, is really the best thing for her. It's disruptive. It clearly upset her last time. She is used to the time in the evenings is her time with me and Q, after being in school all day. She doesn't get to spend a lot of time with me during the day, I work and she goes to daycare, so all she sees me for is an hour in the morning and an hour in the evenings, so these are precious times to me.

I think that it would be better for him to see her on a weekend, in a neutral place like a park, with us nearby to keep an eye on proceedings and with less disruption to her usual routine.

My other worry is that he won't keep up this routine - the best predictor for future actions being history. I know she needs consistency and routine in her life right now.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do? I want to do what is best for K, and that works for me and Q and still protects my precious, mischievous little girl.

Thank you, and sorry for such a long post.

S.

but she's only 26 months old and she doesn't even really know who this man is,

It sounds in his own special clumsy way he is trying to rectify this,

she clearly reacts to him, which is because she does have some sort of understanding this person is familiar,

He is her father, why not work with him so they can build a relationship,how ever hard it is on you, it will be much harder on her later on in life to have to do it,

If I were you I would do everything you can to make sure your daughter has the best relationship possible with her dad,

I was in your position twenty years ago, we went through a lot, and we had to deal with his father not being brilliant, but It's really worth it in the long run, they DS and Ex have had lots of ups and down, but it's really paid off long term, we just kept trying until we all found a way to work together, because DS was worth it.

bury the differences, the more people who love your child the better.

I really hope that this is true, that he wants to play a consistent, active part in her life. I can't help but doubt his motives because he shows no interest at all in her. Even when he was here he didn't ask questions about her - how she was doing in school, how she was sleeping, what she ate, he didn't even comment on the fact that she was toilet trained ....

I know that sounds bitter, and I won't lie I am not his biggest fan - he can be very manipulating and extraordinarily self centered - so I can see the bad qualities in him and I can also see how this bad qualities will not be good for K... but I am trying to see the good in him without being naive either... if that makes sense!

So my question is HOW do I go about making sure she has the best relationship with him? Is it by allowing the sporadic 1 hour visits in the evenings? Or do I say, fine you want to see her, lets set up Tuesdays and Thursdays and a day on the weekend?

What did you do? I don't even think she realises he is her dad - she doesn't ask any questions and she is too young to explain yet who he is.

S.

It must be very confusing for her, and she is such a tot. I have to say, I'm not a fan of getting kids to call other people 'mummy' or 'daddy' specially when they are so young, it is bound to add to the confusion.

I think your instinct is good, though - having contact in the home isn't working and the idea of time when she isn't tired after nursery is a good one. I'd write/email, explaining that due to the difficulties, you would like to try a different tack, and suggest some weekend times/dates for him to respond to. I'd suggest mediation, too, to discuss your issues about routine and comittment.

I was going to say I bet your daughters confused.
She's calling someone dad, who isn't her real dad.

And now her dad has turned up, must be confusing and her playing up is her way of communicating it.

I only read some of your op as its so long. In the scheme of a childhood, he hasn't missed much. Kids don't remember much before school age. She should know her bio family. She is probably picking up on your discomfort at having your ex over. Make contact in a neutrel place at about 3ish, not clashing meal or nap times.

I never forced her to call Q Daddy - she did it on her own. What should she call the man who raises her, takes her to the hospital when she's sick, stays home with her when she can't go to daycare? To me that's a Daddy... but I know I'm biased! :)

She has no example to go by.... So how did the word 'daddy' come about?

Maybe he could regularly do the bath/bed routine? Once a week? And a day at the weekend. He needs to spend more time with her and build up to unsupervised. Then overnights.

Meh, your exdp was absent, and imo didn't give a shit about the welfare of his child, whereas your dp has done. He's maybe not biological related but if he has stepped up to the plate and is caring for your dc then I don't see why your dc shouldn't call him dad. Your dc could have picked it up from anywhere, daycare, telly etc.

If your exdp does want a relationship with your dc then i would certainly welcome it, on the provisio that any hint of non commit-al (like being absent for months on end) will come at the cost of his relationship with his daughter.

I am convinced babies DO recognise their relations - mine only saw their Grandad infrequently as children but seemed somehow to know he was theirs so to speak. You had a child with this man so it's too late to say he's no role model etc, Let him do the bedtime routine, suggest he takes her to the park (can't see why you need to be there tbh) & then hopefully a more consistent pattern will emerge, but they need time to get to know each other on their times, it is not a relationship you can interfere with. As to the Daddy question, if she is already calling your new bloke daddy then her bio dad could be Daddy X.

Allowing your child to call your new partner daddy is utterly wrong! If you actaully care about the emotional well being of your child this wouldnt happen. Youve been seeing this man for a year, your daughter probably less so. What happens should you split from this man, does the new man become daddy? What happens when dad actually starts to enage with his daughter and becomes more involved?

Your daughter has one dad the man you chose to bring a life in to the world with no matter how feckless you think he is.

And the age she is at now means it's not too late to turn it around...

To answer your question about contact, I would definitely encourage it, but find a way to fit it into her routine. There's no reason not to allow her to see her dad regularly (unless you've not shared something that makes him a risk to her), and it will undoubtedly be good for her in the long run to know who he is, and who your DP is in relation to her dad. But I see where you're coming from and bedtime is tricky and not the best time to forge a relationship. Also it's in your home which isn't really sustainable long term. I would be tempted to suggest one weekend day (or morning, or afternoon) to start with, at a set time.

If you are worried about inconsistency or him letting her down, why not make plans roughly 45mins after he is due to collect her or come round. If he's a no-show just pick up your day and carry on, as if nothing has happened. She's too young to wait by the window and be upset as long as you have a plan B and don't make a fuss about it. Stick to the routine for a few months to get things established - if he's committed you'll soon know. Then you can build on it as she grows up. If he's not, keep a record showing you offered regular contact and he failed to show. Should he go down the court road at a later date they'll take a dim view on a parent who couldn't be arsed and you'll be in a stronger position for supporting contact when he wanted it.

Chocoraisin has said all I would say.

There doesn't seem to be a reason to not allow your daughter to see her dad, but it doesn't need to be at times that upset the routine you have established. Why not talk to your ex about your concerns and suggest an alternative. Start with something small, and build up contact over time.

3x everything you just said imo is bollox

Your daughter has one dad the man you chose to bring a life in to the world with no matter how feckless you think he is.

No, it may be a bit cliched but anyone can be a sperm donator, bit it takes someone special to be a dad.

Plenty of people have more than one dad (or mum). And plenty of people have a dad (or mum) that isn't biologically related.

Doesn't matter, the child has rights. The right to a relationship with both parents

Now who would want to mess with the law here? ( as per the children's act)

Olympia was that aimed at me? I said upthread that op should welcome a relationship between the d and the exdp.

I agree with those who say its in your DD's interest to develop a relationship with her dad, and it would help if you work with him to find a pattern that works for your DD. my ex did what yours did, and backed off for a long time, probably 2+ years. It's taken a lot of patience and biting my tongue to get to where we are now - ex seeing DD every week for the past 2 mths. His attitude has changed too in that he's actually apologised for not being able to see her for the next month as he's working OT to take her away for a w/e in sept. The point I'm making is my ex is and has been as feckless as yours is. He's left the parenting to me, and done v little for DD since we split 4 yrs ago. However, when DD sees him and spends time with him, she loves it. She holds him up on a pedestal, hangs on his every word and just loves her time with him. I don't always agree with how he does things but I can see from my DD's POV that the time she has with him, albeit not a huge amount in the grand scheme of things, is something that she gets a lot from.

I'd suggest that you explain that the evening visits are proving difficult for your DD and you think she would benefit more from less stressed, more fun time at either a soft play, park or whatever. Suggest weekend afternoon if it doesn't interfere with naps etc and see what he says. Make your DD available for times you think they'll both get a chance to know each other better, and then leave it to him to decide if he wants to agree. If he doesn't want to see your DD when it suits her, and her routine, that's his choice and he needs to own that choice.

Good luck. I hope you come to an agreement that suits everyone.

tthh - thanks, are you placing the emotional well being of the child first and foremost or are you bringing your own prejudices to this discussion i.e. Mum good, dad bad?

3x im saying that giving the exdp had more or less abandoned his child for the last two years, then yes that makes him a bad dad. He can certainly try and amend his ways and like i said that would be a good thing to encourage. But at the end of the day he was absent whilst the op' dp stepped in, to the benefit of the dp's daughter, and not to the detriment of her emotional wellbeing. Being a parent/father isnt a hobby to pick and choose to do when it suits. Im not bringing any prejudices, but i fail to understand why you think someone who essentially fucked off whilst their child was a newborn, one of the most important times to bond with your child, and didn't even meet any financial obligations, wouldn't be regarded as a pretty shit father. Sure he could change, but for the timebeing, imo, he's a crap father.

I'm in no way condoning the fathers behaviour but that in now way excuses the way the new partner is being introduced to the child as dad - if you cant understand that then there in point any further discussion - like I said what happens if that relationship breaks down - who is her dad then...

Hi All,

Wow! Thank you for all the responses. Like most things, there is a lot more to the story, and the whole relationship breakdown started when my ex raised his fist to me when I was 8 months pregnant... He never actually hit me, but it was a very close and very ugly moment. He's also said that he will do anything to hurt me as much as possible. I am scared that he will do something to my daughter, try to take her away or something like that... which worries me no end.

Chocoraisin, I think what you've said sums it up really. I need to question him as to why he was so absent and made no attempt at all at contact with her at all, not even a text message, and what he wants now. I believe, for my daughter's sake, I have to try.

Tittytittyhanghang - thanks for your support :) PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired, thanks for your perspective too.

Sometimes, I really really miss my mum. She would know what to say... :'(

Sparx.

But the point about not allowing/encouraging a child to call another person by a parental name is not about judging the fitness of the biological parent; it is about the effect on the child. With an older child, who can understand who the various adults are, it may be appropriate for the child to be allowed to choose to call a step-parent 'Mummy' or 'Daddy', but for a tiny tot, it is then very,very difficult to explain who the adults are. She hasn't chosen, at this young age, to 'reward' mum's boyfriend with the accolade of 'daddy', she has just assumed that the boyfriend is her father. Now another man has turned up and she doesn't understand. She will now have to unlearn what she has assumed/been encouraged to think, without having the level of understanding required to process the information.

It doesn't help the child at all to bring all the adult issues into the debate, he is her biological parent and it would have been easier to explain that to her if the word for him had not been applied to someone else.

Sorry Sparx, cross-posted.