How do I stop feeling so resentful and bitter?

[MammyToMany]

I split with exp early in May. We have a baby together and I am pregnant. I also have 2 older children.

We are getting along ok I think, he pops round every so often to play super dad for an hour and thinks he's dad of the year.

My problem is, I really hate that he gets to go out when he pleases, have fun with his friends, sleep a whole night through (when I am up 10 times a night with the baby) shower in peace, eat a meal, watch a film. I resent that he has his mother washing his clothes and cooking his food whilst I seem to be constantly cooking, washing up, changing nappies.

And I hate him for it. When I wake up in the night with the baby I get so frustrated that it's me doing the work whilst he is in the pub - not that he did anything when he was here! Since dc was born I've not slept for a complete night, had a lie in, watched a film from start to finish.

I love my baby, I wouldn't be without him. But exp keeps telling me how unfair things are, how crap his life is etc and I want to scream at him.

The worst thing is, his mobile phone is on my account and I can see his itemised calls and texts - not the actual messages but the numbers used. I don't know why I keep looking. I see all these unfamiliar numbers and feel sick, I see that he called a taxi at half 3 this morning and feel angry that he was out and I was up with a teething baby. (I know I need to stop looking at the phone bill)

So how do I stop hating him for having a life?

First thing get his mobile off your account then you can't torture yourself. Can your ex not have the baby overnight? Have you anyone else who can help? It is hard at times my dc's are 10 and 17 I've been split from exh for 5 years. He hasn't done parents evening, sports day, any school meeting nothing. As harsh as it is I've just accepted it I can't make him do it and his lack of interest has ruined his relationship with ds .

I don't think he would manage over night - he has never got him off to sleep, got up in the night with him, rarely dressed or changed him in 13 months. Plus I would be worried about him drinking when having him over night.

He does occassionally take him out to visit his family for a couple of hours - he loves showing him off, just not the actually parenting. Although he's full of ideas and orders about what I should be doing.

In all honestly I think I just want exp to suffer, from sleep deprivation, to only have chance to eat half a luke warm dinner, to sit at home rocking a baby knowing all his friends are out without him, to wear clothes that you sniff before putting on to check they're clean as he hasn't had chance to wash them. Oh and to scrap baby poo out from under his nails cause of the wriggling about when changing a nappy.

It's not healthy for me to feel like this, I just want it to stop. I want to not care.

I know how you feel. I experienced exactly this. The difference was I was married to the man, and we lived together. He was unemployed. I was working. Yet I got up every hour to tend to my young lady, to settle her back to sleep. I breastfed her until she was 14 months, so it was only me (according to him) that could get her back to sleep.

He never cooked me dinner. He would go out to all hours of the morning and wonder why I'd be annoyed with him. So yes, we lived together, but for all intents and purposes I was alone.

All I can say, is that it does get easier. I made the choice to end my marriage, it was scary, I was told I was brave but I didn't feel brave. As your little one gets bigger, you will find it easier. K didn't sleep through until she was 19 months, so I understand sleep deprivation all to well. Try to get help where you can. When people say if you need anything, say Yes actually, can you sit with baby for an hour, and then go and have a long bath. Take people up on their offers, but give them specific instructions. Cook a meal. Ask your friends to come round and do a load of laundry. Get some ready meals in the freezer. Learn to eat from a bowl with a spoon one handed, baby in the other arm! :-) It can be done.

And definitely get rid of his mobile bills. That just allows our imagination to get away with you.

S.

There isn't an easy answer to letting go of resentment really... the answers sound easy (glib really) but putting them into practice is really hard work. I do know how you feel, my ex left me with 17mo DS and I was pregnant. I now have a 2year old and a 3 week old baby. It's relentless, and he pops in at the weekend for a playdate... the rest of the time he's shacked up with his girlfriend doing whatever he likes while complaining about how hard life is for him etc.

I cope with it by being grateful... (yes, that sounds trite as feck I know). When someone suggested it to me a long time ago I wanted to punch them for being so smug about it, but luckily it was a good enough friend who had been through enough shit of her own for me to take her seriously. If it had worked for her, I would give it a go... the thing is to be actively grateful. Which is why it's hard. Literally, every day, write a list of 10 things that you are grateful about your life for. Doesn't matter how little. It's about engineering an attitude shift. If all you can think about is the god-awful unfairness of life you're going to need to work at seeing the positives and just deciding to 'think happy thought's' won't cut it. But I did find that for me, writing it down, taking 10 minutes every day to think about why my life was good (better in fact) without him really helped me to see light at the end of the tunnel.

It's been shit in many respects, moving house, giving up my job and my friends and going through pregnancy alone with an unsettled toddler... but I don't feel shit about it now. I can see the opportunities not the just the disasters now. If you really don't want to feel resentful all the time, it will take effort but it can definitely be done. Remember that the best revenge is to live a happy life :) those 3am taxi's won't keep him company when he's a lonely old man. Take the long view and you'll see you got the better deal for sure.

I feel like you too from time to time but then remind myself of why i'm the lucky one. I'm pregnant with ds3, and have a 2 & 4yr old. Xp has boys once a wk overnight (but only for last mth or so).

I remind myself that given the choice of being in my shoes or his, I would choose mine every time. I get my children for the majority of the time. They are hard work now but it won't always be like this. xp can do what he likes but he'll always be an inadequate manchild- he is losing out on so much with his children .

I can hold my head up high & say hand on heart that I put my children first & I am a good parent & I try my best.

He can't.

ask gp for referal to counselling or ask midwife to refer you. few sessions of therapy can help.

My exh sounds exactly the same and it used to really bug me! He runs a pub and us supposidly so busy he can't see the DC unless I take them and stay, which I don't want to do! Then I hear that he has been on a fishing trip or out drinking till god knows what time! If I ask him to have the DC so I can go out he pretty much always says no, he has said before he won't have them as he doesn't want me "shagging marines" yet he has a girlfriend.

I used to be really upset by it all and would phone him about stupid things and caused myself endless stress. Now I hardly think about him and don't contact him unless I need to. I just got so fed up of it. He still doesn't have the DC very often but I just think he is missing out on a relationship with them not me.

I know at the moment it seems hard but if you be kind to yourself it will get easier. We split 2 years ago and it would have been easier earlier if he would let me get on with my life but now he has no control over me at all and it's great :)