New to this

[Seapixie]

Hello to all and thank you for taking the time to look at this. I have never posted on a forum in my life and am a little scared!
My partner of 6 years unexpectedly left us nearly 3 months ago. We have 2 beautiful DS (hope I have used the acronyms correctly!) aged 4 and 15 months. Although I was absolutely devastated at the break down of our family the welfare of our lovely boys has always been my priority. I have tried to encourage my exP to see them as much as possible: picking him up in order for him to see them and dropping him home again afterwards; making a big deal of Father's Day;numerous attempted calls/texts keeping him informed etc. He doesn't have a home to take the boys to, only a room in shared accommodation which we both think is inappropriate, and he is not providing any financial support. However, despite (in my opinion!) considerable efforts to keep their relationship going , he has rarely seen them since leaving. We had an initial flurry of interest followed by an absence of some weeks, followed by 2 days of contact after which he has stopped seeing the boys altogether. He is well aware that I do not hold any association between financial support and contact: the 2 are, in my mind, completely separate issues. His promises to see the boys and repeated no shows have been very difficult for our 4 year old. I reassure him every day that Daddy loves him and will see him as soon as he is ready. Our DS has now settled and is doing well.
I finally managed to speak to my exP today and he said that he can't handle the guilt that he feels when he sees us. He asked me what I thought he had to offer the boys and I told him 'love and time'. Despite this he has decided to wait at least another 3 weeks before he is willing to discuss seeing them again.
I have absolutely no idea how to handle a situation like this for the best. I very much want the boys to have their Dad in their lives but it seems so far that the harder I strive for this the less likely it is for it to happen.
Thank you for reading this garbled post and I would really appreciate your opinions.

My XP tailed off contact after we split up. For the first month or so it was ok, he'd come over to do their bedtime, take them out for a while etc. But then it got more sporadic and he would not turn up. He was abusive so the break up was tricky but he did say he couldn't handle the guilt, so it seemed his way of dealing with it was to totally cut ties with his DC's all together and refuse to deal with it all . After many chances, and much being pissed around, I put my foot down when he began to get more abusive during visits and we haven't seen him in 3yrs, he refused to attend a contact centre too.

I can't get my head around people who find it so hard to deal with a split and prefer to ignore their kids.

If I were you (and as long as your XP isn't being abusive) I would keep the lines of communication open. You can't force him to see them but maybe it might get better in time. I put up with a lot of missed visits from XP, although the DC's were very young 2yrs and a baby so they never knew when he was meant to come to see them anyway which kind of protected them.

Thank you very much for your advice. I agree that keeping communication open is essential. I guess it all feels a little one sided at the moment and I'm worried that by keeping persuing this he will pull further and further away. Guess only time will tell!

I don't think you can force it and it's probably best to see how it pans out. Not great for planning and very hard on you all emotionally but he might buck his ideas up in time.

The only think I would suggest is to not tell the children when he is due to see them in case he lets them down, if it can go over their head it might save them some upset. If he still messes them around when they're older then they'll be old enough to know about it and make their own mind up about him.

Not your responsibility so for your own sake back off. Just get him to ring when he can see them & if it's convenient to you then fine, if not tell him you have plas & arrange another time. You can only be a good parent yourself, you in no way are responsible for making him a good parent. HTH, it really did help me when my Dad told me this & it's true.

My ex has been a bit like this before. He swings between periods of wanting to see DS more, to periods of dropping out/ doing all he can to avoid it.

I think you have to accept that you are not responsible for maintaining their relationship, and you cannot force him to be there for your children. You'll go mad if you try - believe me I was going insane trying to juggle it all.

Leave it up to your ex to decide when he wants to see them and make mutually agreeable arrangements when he asks.

Beyond that do all you can to reassure your children that Daddy loves them, but don't force him into things. He might need some time to adjust. Or he may never come round, but you'll go mad if you keep taking responsibility for his actions all the time.

Thank you all for your support. I have had lots of good friends and family also tell me that his actions are not my responsibility. Deep down I know you're all right!
I guess I'm finding it hard to adjust to this idea - I've always been the one who 'fixes' problems or makes things happen. I spent our whole relationship taking responsibility for him including insane things such as getting him up for work (could take up to 2 hrs and I continued to do this all through my maternity leave with both boys!), phoning him to remind him to brush boys' teeth and give them a drink on the odd occasion I left them at home with him while I went to work and a load of other mad examples that I won't bore you with now.
I think it's harder to accept because I know this must be hurting and confusing the boys. They know he lives very close and we pass the place he is now living nearly every day. DS1 now rarely mentions his Dad but I worry about what is going on in his mind and DS2 will barely recognise him if he doesn't get his act together soon!

Seapixie - I was always the 'do-er' and 'fixer' in my relationship too. And I have to admit I spent the first 5 months after we split tying to force things with him, and get him to be more active.

It is hard, and if your anything like me you feel the guilt for your sons not having a better relationship with their father.

Problem is, your pushing is never going to help. He will only do what he wants and is willing to do. You have to accept now that you have no influence over it.

I do feel guilty about how things are. I really wanted the boys to grow up in a happy family with 2 parents.
Although things were far from perfect in our relationship, I was an eternal optimist and only ever focused on the good. I tolerated much that I would be shocked if any one else told me they were putting up with (nothing violent/nasty - just laziness/irresponsibility/selfishness) because we have 2 gorgeous boys and there was lots good that I could see in our relationship.
I can no longer recognise the man I promised to marry and feel so sad for the boys. I was determined, if I could not keep us together, to make this the best break up I could for them, but feel completely powerless to make this happen.
I know I will get there eventually - it's just hard to accept that I cannot do anything about his behaviour. And I suppose the feelings of guilt ease as I really accept this rather than just saying I do...!
Thank you for your support