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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

father demanding more access

22 replies

lonemumm · 19/07/2012 01:11

I have just broken up with my 9 month old babys father. We have had a bad relationship since the pregnancy and i tried my best to stick it out for my babys sake. Anyway i couldnt stick it anymore and i ended it. We are not on good terms at all and he can be quite abusive in what he saysand also very childish. We do not live together and never have. He is on the birth cert and has been quite involved in my babys life. When we broke up i told him that he could take our baby 3 days a week for four hours. He was not happy and demanded more including overnights. I said no and he talked more like shouted about court. Am i being unreasonable and what access would he get if we went to court we have never been married. Help please need advice asap! !!!

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/07/2012 01:20

Hi, lonemumm, don't panic. There are many steps to go through before court, and a solicitor's letter is nothing to fear, it has no legal power.

colditz · 19/07/2012 01:31

sweetie, it's his baby too.

looking4something · 19/07/2012 01:38

Over nights with a 9 month old is a lot. I agree with oldlady.

Original poster

lonemumm · 19/07/2012 01:39

What is a reasonable amount of access ? Her father lives 1hours drive away also ..

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/07/2012 01:46

I see you're willing to offer 4 hours a day, for 3 days a week, and your baby is 9 months; sorry if I'm repeating. What is your exes work pattern? On the face of it, your offer is ok, but the t&c matter.

Original poster

lonemumm · 19/07/2012 01:57

He only works Friday Saturday's and Sunday's until 4 I offered to drop her out on Sunday so he wud have her from 4 and I wud collect her at half 7 he wud collect her at 3 the other days ..but he thinks I am being unreasonable I asked him what times he thought he should have her and he wouldnt answer me he used to he has never seen her every day since she is born anyway and if it doesn't suit him not to be bothered to come in to see her then he wouldn't for example if he went to the pub on a Saturday night and was too tired to come in to see her Sunday because he was too tired from bein out late and having to work then he wouldn't come in so that would be two days in a row he wouldn have seen her and since it's on his terms he sees no problem but if it was me busy for 2 nights and he couldn see her there would be major problems he is very diffucult

OP posts:

Original poster

lonemumm · 19/07/2012 02:03

I also offered Tuesday's and Thursday's as he does not work those days sorry forgot to add that

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/07/2012 02:04

Ah, Ok, sounds like the routine "ex is an abusive wanker and is threatening me through our dc" stuff. Sorry if that sounds flippant, lonemumm, but it's so common they follow a script, almost.

How much time does he actually spend with your dc? Like, all on his own?

looking4something · 19/07/2012 02:13

What does he imagine a 9 month old does all day? IME they're pretty "boring" at that age, tag along with what you're doing and smile at everyone. If mine are anything to go by though, they miss their mum after awhile.

Got to admit I was thinking the same as OldLady.

colditz · 19/07/2012 02:22

Oh! Have just twigged... this is about maintenance, I guarentee it.

Tell him you aren't going to put the maintenence up if he doesn't have her over night, and he'll drop this bullshit like a hot stone.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/07/2012 02:28

Hmm, not so sure on the maintenance thing, up to 52 nights a year (one a week, amd it is nights that count ) so a few hours in the daytime won't count.

Olympia2012 · 19/07/2012 09:08

You say in your op he has been 'quite involved' with the baby's life

Maybe, just maybe, he wants to continue with this. If he went to court he is goung to be able to go for 50/50 residency. This doesn't have to mean a half week each exactly, it just puts him on an equal footing.

This is now becoming the starting point when negotiating contact

MrGin · 19/07/2012 09:39

I think the first problem is that you 'told him' how much he could see his child, and he's 'demanding' more.

Honestly there's nothing more likely to get a persons hackles up that being told how much they can see their own child.

If he's been quite involved with the baby you both need to get rid of any animosity and work towards what's best for the baby.

If he's able and willing I see nothing wrong with him wanting more than 3 x four hours a week.

3xcookedchips · 19/07/2012 10:16

In the first 6 weeks after my daughter was born I cared for her while her mother was back in hospital - and this included two overnights - according to the arguments on this thread, this should not and could not have happened - shock horror, father looks after first born!! Fathers can equally care for young children as well as their mothers - fact!

You are two equal parents with a part to play in your childs life -

A lot of people need to get over the sense of entitlement they think they have over their children.

Original poster

lonemumm · 19/07/2012 10:46

He has never lived with her and also has never looked after her by himself except maybe a few hours once or twice but he doesn't have a clue about her routine and even if I told him he wouldn listen hed say he would do what he wants with her ..she also prefers me over him and would get quite upset bein away from me for too long as she isn't use to it and isn't used to just being with her father that's also my concern he's also not the brightest wen it comes to looking after her I often have to tell him to watch her and to stop her doing stuff such as pullin at the oven doors which is turned on !! I also don't want to lose out on time with her because since she has been born I have been with her pretty much 24/7 ..can anyone tell me how often I should let him have her ?

OP posts:

Olympia2012 · 19/07/2012 10:49

Look. She can get used to him. But he will need more time with her, not less. So offer him more tome, suggest building up to the overnights. As for you not wanting less time with her, that's something you are going to have to get used to. It's her right

3xcookedchips · 19/07/2012 11:33

More than what you are 'allowing' at the moment...

The things is, what di you know about bringing up a baby - like the rest of by a combinantion of common sense, family/peer advice and learning as we went along we learnt how to parent - how will he ever be given that opportunity to learn what it is to be a parent if you restrict her time with him.

Like others have said - she has a right to have a meaningful realtionship with her father...and thats a phrase you will hear a lot...

You will have lots of anxieties but you will have to learn to put them to one side.

Original poster

lonemumm · 19/07/2012 14:19

Thanks for all the advice I've decided to let him see her as often as he wants I'll leave it up to him well see how keen he is then

OP posts:

STIDW · 19/07/2012 14:53

IT's important to understand the terminology. It is Parental Responsibility that gives parents equal responsibility and rights to carry out their responsibilities. Residence just determines where a child lives and that can be with one parent or both parents (shared residence.) Shared residence is indicated when children "live" a substantial amount of the time with both parents but it doesn't have to be an equal amount of time, it can be in different proportions from 50:50.

Above all arrangements need to be practical and child centred. There is evidence that some under threes really struggle being away from the parent(s) with the majority of care for more than a few a hours, particularly overnight if the other parent hasn't been involved in caring for them overnight on a regular basis. Therefore when parents separate arrangements for babies tend to involve them not being away from their main carer (usually mum but there is no reason it can't be dad) for more than a few hours. In order that the bond with the other parent can be maintained and developed it is necessary for them to care for the child often.

It's different when both parents are have been involved in all aspects of caring for the child including caring for them during the night. In these circumstances it is less disruptive to children's sense of security and established bonds if the existing arrangements are mirrored as much as possible after separation.

MrGin · 19/07/2012 15:39

lonemum I don't think that's what anyone is saying. It's not to do with just what he wants, or just what you want, it's to do with what is best for your child. And that has to be repeated over and over. It has to be at the heart of all decisions.

I know it's very difficult, especially if you aren't getting on and your XP isn't listening to advice or is getting agitated. I know it likely goes against every fibre in your body to agree to not see your child for extended periods with someone you don't have confidence in, but he is the dad, and he seems to want to play a decent part in dc's life.

We've all been here, trying to negotiate how to agree access with our ex from one side or the other.

Often in these cases it's neigh on impossible to sweep away all the past conflicts that have nothing to do with the child. It's like you have to have a massive conflict negotiation before it even gets to the child. But if you can't resolve those issues it's going to make the next 18 years harder than they might be.

It's in everyone's interests that you somehow manage to get to a point with your XP, and he with you, where you can just focus on dc. You have to be able to communicate about routine, remain flexible. You have to bite your tongue so much it's in danger of coming off !

If he is really truly wanting to co-parent and wants more than 3x four hours a week, most people would see that as admirable ( assuming he's doing so because he loves his child ) . But if you say to him 'I won't allow it' he's going to get the hump which helps no one and leads to conflict, and stoke bad feeling in him towards you.

If you were able to get from him ( and it's essential really ) a proposal of when and where and for how long he wants access at least you can work from there and negotiate from that point. You don't have to agree. But if he feels like he's part of the discussion rather than being told how it is it might defrost things a little.

But don't just say to him you can have what ever you want, you just have to constantly frame everything with 'what is best for dc' and let him have his say even if you don't agree....

WildWorld2004 · 20/07/2012 00:14

Maybe he could have your dc one night a week to see how it goes. It will b a lot for a young child to get used to. Being away from its normal surroundings. Depending on how your child reacts you can increase the time he spends with your child. If he is willing to b a dad & he does a good job you should be thankful for that. Does he live alone and actually be looking after the child himself?

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 22/07/2012 01:27

if he has not done much with her, he needs to build up a relationship with her.

do you think you are able to have him visit her in your home?

could he take her to your mums/his mums so that he can get used to spotting dangers (the oven thing is a bit concerning.. do you have a stair gate across the door?) beforer he takes her out on his own.

do you think he would build up to longer periods of contact over a period of tme if he knew that he could have overnights eventually?

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