6 yo DS not so keen on seeing his dad, I don't know wht to do

[strokemyforehead]

Hi

My ex and I have been divorced for 2 years. DS1 was 4 when ex left and he witnessed him leaving the house which has scarred DS1 quite badly. I have 2 sons (DS2 was 18mths when ex left) They have seen him every other weekend and been on a week's holiday with him since he left. He is usually good about contact.

However DS1 has trouble truly enjoying the time with his dad and he says he only goes as he knows that his dad will be upset if he does not go.

Things are starting to get worse with DS1 saying things like I don't want to go mummy I want to stay with you and play with my friends this weekend. However whenever DS1 speaks to ex on the phone ex always puts a little emotional pressure on him saying I miss you so much son can't wait to see you and this basically guilt trips DS1 into going I find this so sad and I can see that DS1 is only going sometimes as he feels he is obliged.

He is only 6 so I really don't know how to handle this situation any tips would be gratefully received.

We live a 2 hour drive from ex so it is not possible to do shorter visits it is a whole weekend or nothing.

I wouldn't say your ex is guilt tripping just missing his kids. What does your ex do with them? Your ds might be finding it boring due to no friends there etc. Can you speak to your ex about activities they do? Could they visit his family especially ones with other dc so they can play together. Can you ask your ds what he'd like to do there, like a sports class or something. Your ds might just be feeling he's missing out on his school friends so finding friends at his dads would give him something to do?

ok yes that's a good idea. DS says that all his daddy does is work on his computer and that he finds it really boring, so boredom sould be playing a part here. Ex only really has childless friends now so it is not really practical for them to socialise with other kiddies.

When I say guilt tripping, this is how it does come across, eg my DS had a party that he wanted to go to the other week and it fell on ex's weekend. I was trying to sort it out so that DS could do both and therefore not miss out but ex said to DS "but then you won't have as much time with daddy and that will make daddy upset". Now to me this is way out of line as DS was basically made to choose by his dad and in front of him too, of course DS chose to see his dad over the party but DS was very upset about it.

I just really get the feeling from DS right now that he would just not rather go. Sometimes when we are driving there to drop them off at their dad's DS will start to get upset and start to say he does not want to go and ask me to turn the car round etc.

What are the 'actual' issues though ?
Is he looking after them well in terms of food, hygiene, safety etc ? Are they bored ? Does he have a different approach to discipine than you do ? Do they have lots of toys and familiar things there ? Agree with Natural - is he missing friends, family ?
Do contact visits mean he is missing out on activities with you , birthday parties etc ?

I think you need to really explore his reasons. Is your relationship with your ex one where you can both talk to him together ? I think kids sometimes feel a great sense of loyalty to the RP and this can sometimes manifest itself as sayingt hat they don't want to go on contact visits. Both of you presenting a united front, and reassuring him that it's 'ok' to go to daddys might go a way to reassuring him ?

Oh cross posts - int hat case, ex really needs to step up. If DS was to take a new game or few totys etc, do you think ex would get the message that he is bored ?

boredom is a big thing i think.

We have the same outlook re discipline etc so there is consistency there. They have LOADS of toys at their dad's.

he is missing his friends and me for sure, he always says so and is very subdued before a visit. When he sees his dad it means that he does miss out on other things that are going on with his friends.
I do think DS has a sense of loyalty to me. But I do try and include his dad and gf in on big events for example they came to DS's birthday and it was all fine.

I just feel as though DS may be pushing his dad away and a distance is growing between them. I don't want to force DS to go but at the same time I also want to make sure his relationship with his dad does not disintegrate over time.

Is it normal for relationships between NRP and their kids to ebb and wane like this? Am I worrying over nothing do you think?

I luckily can talk to my ex and his gf so I think I need to make them aware. But DS has also made me promise to to tell his dad that he does not want to go, (DS thinks that ex will be cross with him) so I also feel as though I would be betraying DS' confidence by doing this.

I actually think that ex just does not get down and play with them at their level. I know that there is ALOT of computer game playing but nothing that woudl encourage bonding IFYSWIM?

I agree with Sassy that you and your ex need to talk things through.

The birthday party thing sounds bad, could you and your ex agree to the dc's being allowed to birthday parties if your ex takes them or gets an extra day sometime else.

Your ex can take them to swimming/karate etc on sat/sundays and sit on his computer then if he so desires.

Does he need help to organise things? Can you all sit down and talk about the dc's being bored and dad taking them to a sat/sun sports class?

I think it's very natural to worry - mine certainly had times when they didn't want to go and sometimes it was over minor things like beds being too hard etc! Also, the journey may be an issue - ex has now moved over 2 hours away and the kids hate the travelling - would altering travel arrangements make a difference ? Would going by train for a treat help ?
Does ex realise that he is guilt tripping your son? He probably has the best intentions and doesn't realise the pressure ?
I think the main thing you need to do is to keep repeating the same stuff - daddy loves him, enjoys seeing him, mummy wants him to enjoy seeing daddy etc and just go with it. It's horrible knowing that they're sad though

Thank you for your input.

I think I need to have a gentle word, otherwise I can see this developing into a real issue.
I think ex does not realise the emotional pressure he was putting DS under, I think I might have to delicately point it out

This is something I dread in the future as an NRP with my 3 year old dd. ( I live an hour and a half from her mum and her.)

That at some point she won't want to come to mine, she'll want to see her friends. It'd break my heart but I wouldn't try and stop it. I can only hope that she'll want to visit me too.

And there has been the odd instance where she's said she doesn't want to come with me when I've gone to pick her up. it's heart breaking tbh.

It's very difficult to know what to do ( or say ) . It's guilt inducing, you start thinking 'well am I taking dd away from her friends ( and more importantly her mum ) because of my own selfish reasons ( that I love her and want to spend time with her at my home ) ?' , 'should I just not have her at my place any more and just turn up at her mums and be 'fun dad' ? '

In my case dd's mother and I never lived together in the first place, we've always lived in different towns, and as such dd has to travel every other weekend with me. Again I feel dreadfully guilty putting dd through that, taking her away from her little buddies, sitting on the train or car.

And who would want to up and take a train when you're having lots of fun where you are at the time. Thankfully she's reluctant to go back to mum's sometimes which puts it all into perspective.

However, I do make a real effort to get down to dd's level. Other than her watching a dvd in the evening whilst I cook diner we're always playing together, or swimming, or walking, flying kites, looking for bugs, drawing etc etc. I think that's fairly crucial. I know I need to be her play mate as well as her dad as I don't have the same kind of child based social group that mum does through nursery and the like. And no friends with similar aged children.

There's no ideal solution.

I do however at times see dd at her mums. If there is a party or some other reason I'll travel up to mums, back in the evening, and back the next day. It's rare but I guess it helps in the long run. I don't want her to miss important things, and thankfully her mum and I are able to be flexible.

I think it's a bit unfair to see dad telling his dc he misses them as guilt tripping them. I assume he loves them very much and does miss them. I miss my dd terribly between visits, I find it very hard not seeing her for a week, I tell her I miss her because I don't want her to think she's out of my thoughts.

anyway. if anything I'd suggest dad looks at what he does with dc when they're there. Playing video games or watching TV for hours on end whilst he works on the computer is not going to help them build a good relationship at all imo. That is the crux of the problem I think

best of luck

thank you for your point of view Mr Gin. You are right and as other posters have said I think the issue here is what he does with them when they are at his, I don't think DS finds it stimulating enough and therefore is starting to look upon his visits as something that he woul not rather do.

I do not think that a dad telling his kids that he misses them is guilt tripping them at all. However in the context that ex was saying it, it put DS is a very awkward position, as DS felt as though he would be letting his dad down by not going.

yes I see what you're saying.

MrGin, you can meet other parents at activities, I know I keep pushing it but a sport like karate is very family/weekend friendly, there's the usual class then meets/competitions. It gives dc a focus on your time with them, a group you can be involved with and something you can discuss/plan about. A lot of parents do this on weekends and I think nrp's are a bit blessed due to not having the school day in the way. There's swimming, cycling, tennis etc and it's healthy bonding as opposed to "disney fun"

Dc do waiver in wanting to go places and it's usually no reflection on the parent but more to do with what tree they plan to climb or when peppa pig is on.

Communication is key as is a united parenting front, not giving in to what the dc's want but finding ways to make things work and for the dc to bond with the nrp. Dc will get bored anywhere at some point and won't always want to do things, it's very normal, you all have to work together for a compromise which works for everyone.