Asking for more contact

[SM83]

Just wanted some feedback about experiences of asking for or being asked for more contact, what has been a successful/ disastrous approach?
My DD is 2 and a half and I currently see her one day at the weekend for about 8 hours.
I am desperate to have her overnight and see her more but not sure how to broach the subject with ExP without causing upset and going backwards. I am willing to be totally flexible around DD routine and ExP shifts but at the same time feel my DD needs planned time with me. ExP has stated if I ever apply for contact orders etc. I will not see my DD for duration of proceedings and by then she won't know who I am.

That's the crux of my question really but to give some background if it helps:
Split with ExP,she went to live with friend,I kept house as had been paying mortgage for previous 18m or so. I was in the process of re-mortgaging in my name so we still had regular phone contact etc.
Met my new partner about 3m after the split but we took things VERY slowly as she was aware I was coming out of a complicated split/ house situation etc.
4m after split call from ExP to say she was 7m pregnant could we try again.
Lots of animosity when I refused as felt the relationship would never work, I grew up in a house with parents arguing and didn't want that for DD.
Decision had nothing to do with my newP although doubt ExP believes this.
Saw my DD for first 12m at my parents which I hated as don't get on with them but was only way my ExP would allow contact as convinced newP would meet DD otherwise.
DD met newP about 6m ago and they get on great but newP very understanding and makes sure I am primary carer whilst have DD and gives us lots of father/daughter time by going out or staying on the periphery.

What a terribly sad situation you are in.

You should ask your Ex. Tell her that you would like to spend more time with your DD. Ask her if she has any issues with it.

Using the threat of denying contact is terrible. Have you tried mediation? It might be worth speaking to someone about it.

I think it is awful that she has denied you contact should you seek to get a court order. You should ask your XP for more contact, and if she is unwilling, then as giant states, it might be worth trying mediation.

My STBXH is the complete opposite of you, and he refuses to have his children overnight (apart from on his allocated w/ends), he won't keep them longer during the school holidays as it interferes with his new GF and their social life. We are, at the moment, soley communicating through solicitors, and we are having to go to mediation (my initial appt is this week), to soley sort out childcare issues. I have been advised by my solicitor that the courts do not like to have to issue court orders any more, and they will not even be considered unless you have tried mediation. Good luck :)

Thanks for quick replies guys, mediation sounds like best next step then. Even though my ExP is being difficult with me I know my DD is happy and doing well and ExP is a good Mum so at least that is something I don't have to worry about.

It makes my blood boil to hear about useless Dads. Even though I nearly had a heart attack when my ExP told me I can honestly say I was over the moon. My newP has been so understanding about the entire thing and we often change our plans last minute when the contact day is changed, she is even going to her best friends wedding without me so I don't have to miss 2 w/e with my DD (she is away with her Mum the w/e after.) I can't understand how any parent would be with someone who didn't understand their child was the priority.

Hope your ex books his ideas up Lovemy3kids!

Thanks SM83 and I hope you sort things out soon too. It makes my blood boil too, especially as his new GF has 2 young daughters of her own, and see's that he is doing nothing wrong in not having his kids....but there you go...that's an entirely new thread...lol!!

keep your chin up and cherish the time you do get to spend with your DD and your new partner sounds wonderful....:)

Think you need to get as much information as possible so you can work towards a much better situation for your DD. Have you looked into FNF? They are fantastic and have a help line and local meetings.

Don't be afraid of threats - you can apply for an interim order if you apply to court to maintain the current level of contact to avoid the klind of DV your ex is threatening. Obviously court is a last resort but you do have to balance that with the needs of your child - currently she is being denied a proper relationship with you and the longer it is left, the harder it is for her to deal with.

To put in context, my DH had a child as a result of a rebound relationship (before we got together) DSS's mother was totally against any kind of contact (in fairness there are MH issues that make things difficult for her) and after exhausting all other avenues, DH applied to court when DSS was 18 months old, and was granted overnight contact before DSS was two.

By all means organise mediation (the court will expect it) and go in with an open mind, but get well informed about how to get the best outcome for your daughter.

I wish mine was like you too although things are getting better. My Ex could have my DS (2.5) from Friday until Sunday if he wanted but he doesn't. He puts weekends away, nights out and foreign holidays with his partner instead of having our DS on a regular basis. I offered 2 weeks at Summer and he refused, lied to court about why and will only have him for one week. Not at all over easter and I have had to really push him to have him think about having him for a week over the Christmas period which he still has not agreed to yet.

You and your partner sound lovely but I can understand the hurt that your ex must have felt and is clearly still feeling. I would suggest mediation and good luck.

Oh and just to make you feel a bit better my Ex went off to Afghan and was away for 7 months our DS still bounced into his arms and knew exactly who he was. He regularly goes 2-3 months without seeing Ex (due to his social life GRRR!) and our DS still knows who he is. Kids don't forget that easily.