Contact in your own home?

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Does anyone do this? Do you have your ex round to your house for contact with DC?

There is a difficult history between ex and I. He jumped into a relationship very quickly after splitting and allowed this to overtake his life and he was very sketchy with contact and very argumentative.

Even now, his involvement in DS's life is, by his choice, restricted to every other weekend which he spends with DS at his parents. Ex has no contact with DS between these weekends, no contact with me to see how he is, and despite quite a few medical issues does not get involved/ have any interest in DS's life beyond these weekends. He moved over an hour away to move in with the new GF and didn't give a second thought to how this might restrict him in seeing DS.

In the last few weeks he has split with the new GF (only a week after introducing her to me as someone that would be a big part of DS's life) and has moved back in with his parents round the corner from me and is being much much nicer to me - a complete 180. He has started to talk about how he wants to concentrate on DS. He has asked if he can come round to my house a couple of times a week to see DS in the evening and put hime to bed.

I don't want to stop this, but I do have some reservations.

• DS is still young (not yet 2) and I have been at pains to try and make sure things are regular and routine for him. Ex is suggesting that he would drop in whenever, will this upset DS, not knowing from day to day?
• He is talking about moving again, as he moved his job to be with GF, so this arrangement may only be temporary until he moves. Will this upset DS if he gets used to it and then it stops?
• This house is our family space for DS and me, I'm not sure how I feel about letting Ex get comfortable coming round here etc.
• I have let go of the anger about things, but I definitely feel that the Ex hasn't shown me he can be trusted to put DS's welfare first. So do i trust him now and agree to this arrangement or ask him to give me some time?

Sorry this is so long. Am conflicted!

Hmmm it is so hard being the responsible mother figure with so many different things to worry about. Other people, exes specifically can't understand it and think you are just being difficult or making excuses!

I think people will probably advise you not to have him round. But I am in a similar situation, and I know in theory it would be really nice for DD and her dad if he could come round to the house and put her to bed. At the moment she is so unsettled because we have been moving around a lot and staying with friends and relatives, ie we're homeless! But when she sees her dad she is really upset as she is always anxious when he gets up that he's going away again.

My aim now is to get a strict routine for her - she is 15months. So I think if you have a good routine for your son you should protect it, as if he is unsettled it is you who will have to deal with the consequences, not his dad.

Good luck!

Thanks summer.

On the one hand I know it's right for DS and Ex to have a good relationship, on the other I am worried that Ex can't be trusted yet, and that a sporadic arrangement could be quite harmful while he is this young.

I don't know what to do!

I'm also worried about his suggestion that this happens in my own home. I'm worried about losing my space, hime getting too comfortable, and it just causing loads of issues.

I expect that now he's discovered the grass isn't actually greener, he wants to come back to you - get his laundry done, meals cooked, sex on tap and a comfortable easy life, and this is his way of trying to worm his way back into your affections. If you say no he will accuse you of being the mean one, keeping him from his son, not being reasonable and so on ad nauseum.

I am not a lone parent, never have been. I would allow him to do this once a week by appointment. He must keep to this commitment for several months before increasing.

He cannot be allowed to walk in and out according to his other relationships or commitments. He cannot be allowed to control and manipulate you. It sounds like he thinks he will worm his way back into you affections.

Really, you think this is all a poy now he has split from the GF?

Nuttyprofessor - I was thinking something like this, so he can increase gradually as he proves he can be trusted to stick to a regular agreement and not push the boundaries, but he works shifts and so they change all the time. I suppose we could set times and days a few weeks in advance.

This is one of the main issues we have had, his expectation that we will always work round his other priorities, and when I can't becuase I have work and child care and DS has lessons etc he gets very angry with me and accuses me of denying him contact. It's one of the 'difficulties' we havd had over the past year.

Sorry, not trying to change the course of the thread, but presume there are no DV issues in the past? Because that would make it a very bad idea.

Assuming there aren't, then I think
you need to be very boundaried about this. My ex used to come to mine for contact and I stopped it because he started to get very aggressive. But the other issue was that he, on some level, still regarded it as being 'his' home, because he used to live there. It caused no end of problems, as he thought he could do/use/take what he liked, including opening post and checking (and deleting) my ansaphone

Just be careful and very clear about what is and isn't acceptable.

No, no definitely no DV, although he can be quite angry at times!

I am very worried about him taking liberties though, and invading our space, and being aggressive when he doesn't get his own way!

I would be careful, ask for some thinking time, then list out what you want, i.e routine for DS, your own space etc. Then work out how you can accommodate his request while still getting what you and your son need.

The worst case scenario is that he would come back to the area, come around to your house a lot, get comfortable, get your son into a routine where his Dad is available a lot (even let you think that he might still be in love with you after all)...then flit off again.

I have gone through it a bit over the last few months because I have been far too accommodating of ex-p (who also only wishes to see his DC's every other week and can be very difficult to get hold of in-between times).

As far as I can see he has to earn your trust again AND you need to protect yourself from the scenario above, not forgetting that he is effectively 'on the rebound'. I cannot imagine anything worse than ex-p just 'popping round', it's hard work being a LP, down time is important, you don't need him coming round just as you have a nice evening to yourself planned.

He needs to sort the shift pattern out, that is not your problem, my ex-p was full of excuses for a while, now we have a rota via e-mail to accommodate his work and any courses that I am doing. He has to commit to a date then, that would be quite a good test of your ex-p's trust.

Gah! So I went back to him and he ended up getting very angry on the phone with me. The mask of niceness slips already!

I told him I was concerned that he hadn't thought through what he was asking and how it would work in practice. I ask him to think about the following questions:
What are you suggesting?
How Often?
How regularly?
What times?
What happens when you move?
How do we ensure it is consistent for DS?
Are there any other options for seeing him in the week that we should explore?

I also said I was very concerned about putting something in place that would inevitably have to change when he moved. I said it was very soon after him leaving his relationship, and moving back here, and that he was already planning to move again so he was in a state of flux and perhaps it would be best to wait till he had moved and was settled before introducing anything.

This went down like a lead balloon!

He accused me of stopping him seeing his son, even though I had discussed with him earlier in the day changing plans at the last minute so he could see DS tomorrow as he informed me this morning he wouldn't be at work. He declined this offer as he said he had things to do in the morning, and I need to put him in childcare as I'm at work.

Can't see this going well :(

No
If he prone to getting angry or aggressive then. No
No way,

Do you invite other people in your house who you know are prone to agression Towards you ?
No. So don't do it.

Keep your space and your boundaries .

He does tend to get very arsey and quite ranty.

When he did so last night I did tell him he was going about it all in the wrong way if he truly wanted me to accomodate him in my home.

So do you think I should suggest that he thinks about maybe taking him out for an hour? This would restrict him a little more as it would have to work round DS having his tea and his bedtime routine. But it is a compromise that would give him an opportunity to see DS more, but is still likely to be very sporadic.

That is a good plan, stick to it for now. These arrangements always evolve over time, especially when children are v young. Don't let him in your space for now, you don't want your DS to see those dynamics making you stressed. He sounds like he likes to have his own way, cake and eat it etc etc. he will respect you and your wishes more in the future if you are firm but fair now. You just want what's best for your son, and you are going about it the right way. Stay strong. If he starts threatening you about access, use an intermediary such as courtwithoutalawyer.co.uk/ who are VERY pro fathers, so he couldn't say you were trying to stop him from seeing his child. They can draw up formal visiting arrangements for you.

Thanks. He's doing his usual trick of just ignoring and not contacting now. So I'm not going to contact him with a view to talking to him about it. I'll wait till he brings it up again.

I told him last night that seeing as he can't talk to me without getting angry and arsey with me that perhaps he might want to consider mediation to sort it out.

Am struggling with anxiety issues at the minte so have decided that I am just going to end any conversatoin where he starts getting angry and aggressive. No point exposing myself to that.

My DC mostly see their Dad in my home and it mostly works out well for us. He comes round for tea and to do bedtime a couple of weeknights. In the early days I made a point of being out at these times, now I go out if I want to. He does take a few liberties and I have/do feel like my space is invaded but overall think this works better for us than the children going to his place. Guess this will change as they get older or if I meet someone new.

The important thing is for your DS to have a relationship with his Dad.

A few points would be not to allow him to come and go as he pleases - set up regular times and put stuff in an email so there's a written record

Personally, I really wouldn't like it, I'd rather organise for him to have DS overnight in the week. I think it would be really confusing for a not-yet-two year old to understand and risks revisiting the upset of Daddy leaving.

I agree with the idea of ending conversations if he starts ranting. Just say 'I'll talk to you when you are calm.' and put the phone down.

Balia - I think that is one of the things I have been worried about. Whether it will upset DS.

However..... I haven't heard from him yet, and he hasn't given me any answers to the questions I asked. No doubt it is all too difficult so he won't bother. Or maybe that's just me hoping!

Will let you know if he does come back!