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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

DP would like more contact

46 replies

CC2B · 17/07/2012 13:14

My DP has two DC, a DD of 7 and a DS of 3.

He left his ex last May and initially, his ex didn't allow him to have the children at his new place. However, overnights started to happen last August and things settled down a bit.

The children met me in early January, which went well, and we moved into a place together in late February, where the children have a lovely room that they love.

He currently has an arrangement with her for the children to be with us for Thursday dinner-time (5pm-6.30pm) each week, and then an overnight on Saturdays EOW (they arrive 9am on Sat and leave 6.30pm on Sun). So this is only 2 overnights per month.

He isn't very happy with this and doesn't feel it's good for either of the kids, but, of course, his ex is the RP and has all the control. He doesn't want to take it to court yet, as it's been a struggle to get to a civil way of working which only ever feels a transient thing. She doesn't want to talk, so texting and emailing is how everything has been arranged so far. Also, although his ex will probably be entitled to legal aid, my DP wouldn't be, but is horribly in debt already, because of having to take loans to fund their joint mortgage until last December, since she is refusing to sell. (She is now funding this herself with SMI benefits).

Her reasoning behind not wanting the children to stay for an extra night on the Sunday EOW was initially that the 3-year-old is too young and then became that it was "unrealistic" and "impractical". I completely understand that she may not want to lose the children for another night, but we can't understand why it's impractical, or why his DS is too young for a 2-night stay with his father, whom he loves to bits. I also have a great relationship with both children and they are very comfortable when they stay with us. It doesn't feel like this decision is remotely in the best interests of the children so I'm just trying to see if there are viewpoints out there that we've missed. This is particularly true since they have spent more than two nights with us on a view occasions now and it's always been completely fine and everyone's been happy (4 nights at Easter, and a 2-nighter to make up for a missed weekend, and then a 2-nighter last weekend when his ex went somewhere - so this one is interesting since it was definitely her choice and basically asking for a favour, which of course my DP snapped up!).

This ended up being long, sorry...

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 17/07/2012 13:19

friday afternoon evening thru to sunday is a better arangement as then thy hom and ready fo school nursery.
i dont see any logical reason why they should not go to their dad friday thru to sunday.

he should invite her to mediation putting this on the table.

if she comes up with spuious xcuses then he will have to take it to court.

not talking face to face day-to-day -well there may be good reasons for this.
that shouldl not be a barrier to arrangements - and meeting with trained mediator should be fine (unless there was any domestic abuse/violence)

Original poster

CC2B · 17/07/2012 13:24

Ah, a good point cestlavielife. My DP did initiate mediation last autumn but his ex attended two sessions and then dropped out last December, without telling my DP, so he just received an official letter to say that's what she had done. Again, she was getting that free and he was paying £300 per time. And got not much from it as they hadn't come to any formal agreements during those two sessions. Perhaps he should mention this again and say it's for this very specific reason instead of working out finances etc. (which are still not fully reconciled either...)

He would be OK with Friday through to Sunday, although one reason why Saturday - Monday would be nicer is that his DD goes to a club on Saturdays so he never gets a full day with her during term time if it's Fri-Sun. Of course, that's just part of life but when you don't get much, it's nice if it's possible to have the freedom of a whole day...

Definitely no abuse/ violence on either side.

OP posts:

WildWorld2004 · 20/07/2012 00:01

Whats it got to do with you? You have only been together a few months you should not be involved in his kids lives.

Its up to your DP and his ex to sort out.

MrGin · 20/07/2012 10:48

There is nothing unreasonable about having ones own kids stay for two nights every other w/e. Nothing at all. I'd say it's the minimum.

I too had some problems early on with my XP putting up resistance. And it was an absolute god send when the practicalities of XP's life resulted in her needing me to have dd ( then aged 2.5 ) for long weekends. It diffused the wrangling in one fell swoop.

I pick my dd up on a sat morning and take her back on a Monday lunchtime.

I don't think your DP would have any problems through court in getting more time with the dc. I would be concerned though that if he doesn't do something soon then a precedent may have been set.

It does sound like the mum is using the kids as a weapon.

MrGin · 20/07/2012 10:49

He might want to contact Families Need Fathers here

3xcookedchips · 20/07/2012 12:10

FWIW my daughter was not yet 2 and she lived with from Fri thru to Mon when I would drop her at the childminders - 3 nights!

We also have good holiday time which you dont mention which is also very important.

What he is seeing is more than reasonable and realistic and in the interests of the children.

How far from the ex do you live

Wild - why do you care that the OP is making representations on her DPs behalf on mumsnet. Sounds like she is helping him out.

AThingInYourLife · 20/07/2012 12:16

What WildWorld said.

Given that he apparently broke up his family less than a year ago (for you?) I would think keeping things civil is a bigger priority than forcing the issue of overnight contact. They are basically with him all weekend EOW.

3xcookedchips · 20/07/2012 12:57

The circumstance of the break up has no bearing on the relationship the children have with their father unless their welfare is at risk which in this case doesnt seem to be the case. Why should the father be satisfied that his kids see him briefly EOW. So far the mother has not come up with compelling reasons why they cant see more of their father.

MrGin · 20/07/2012 14:12

what 3xcookedchips said

cestlavielife · 20/07/2012 14:15

what time is the club?
can dad equally take dd to and from club?
friday evening is good as more relaxed that a work night.

if you establish the fri to sun arrangement now then in holidays you get the whole weekend while it still emans that in term time she is at hom ready fo school on monday.

AThingInYourLife · 20/07/2012 14:22

"The circumstance of the break up has no bearing on the relationship the children have with their father"

Oh sorry, is this about a robot family?

Silly me, I presumed there were humans involved. You know, with feelings and everything.

AThingInYourLife · 20/07/2012 14:25

Although even robot relationships are affected when one of the robots breaks the family up.

How can you possibly think you can walk out in your family but maintain the same relationship you previously had with any of the other members?

At least most robots have sufficient logic to grasp that piece of the bleeding obvious.

MrGin · 20/07/2012 14:26

No AThingInYourLife it's about children.

The contact children have with a parent can't be dictated by the others emotions of a break up. At least not in a rational world.

Huansagain · 20/07/2012 14:31

I thought it was about what's best for the children?

That's why you have to take the emotion out of it.

I could easy stop our children from spending more time with their mother, but I don't because it's not in anyone's interests, it would be me being spiteful.

MrGin · 20/07/2012 14:34

Although even robot relationships are affected when one of the robots breaks the family up.

Are you on drugs ?

TobyLerone · 20/07/2012 14:39

Seriously. Robots? FFS.

Sassybeast · 20/07/2012 15:37

The people who claim that all of these contact arrangements can be done without emotional involvement are inevitably the people who have had the affairs/walked out on the kids/don't pay the maintenance etc.

Op , whilst I appreciate that your partner feels me needs to see more of the children, the very best advice that I can give him is to take a step back and give Ex time to recover from the situation. Pushing the issue, and waving around threats of court is guaranteed to do 1 thing - to alienate her further and make things more difficult in the long run.
I would quite like to be a robot actually - that way it wouldn't feel as if my heart was being ripped apart every time Ex lays down the law about 'his' rights (not the kids btw but HIS rights)

FWIW I don't think overnights on Sundays 'are' that practical from a school, routine point of view. There will come a point soon when mum wants to start rebuilding her life,and at that point she may warm to the idea of the kids going off on a Friday evening so she has a whole weekend.

MrGin · 20/07/2012 15:42

FAIL

jumpy2012 · 20/07/2012 15:46

My DP went to court for a firm contact arrangement. His DD is 3. He was awarded every other weekend plus 50% of school holidays. Distance makes it impossible to see his DD during the week.

What your DP is asking for is not unreasonable.

While it is true that contact is for your DP and his children, there's no law against you asking for advice on here, despite some of the responses you have had.

Sassybeast · 20/07/2012 15:52

Or recommend 'Families need fathers/F4J' as a first line of resolving contact issues

PASS

MrGin · 20/07/2012 15:56

Families need Fathers and F4J are completely different. I'm still giving you an F-

Sassybeast · 20/07/2012 15:57

Should have added 'or have zero personal experience of having to carve up the time they spend with their kids due to circumstances way beyond their control'

MrGin · 20/07/2012 16:05

Sassybeast My XP was sleeping around before we split and I pay way over the CSA and I still had to fight to get a decent amount of access with my dd. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one on this thread with that kind of experience.

So frankly I find you massive assumptions offensive and ignorant.

MrGin · 20/07/2012 16:06

you - your

Huansagain · 20/07/2012 16:07

'The people who claim that all of these contact arrangements can be done without emotional involvement are inevitably the people who have had the affairs/walked out on the kids/don't pay the maintenance etc'

Didn't have an affair, didn't walk out on my kids.

Must admit I don't pay maintenance.

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