DS Contact

[angeld40]

Hi,
My DS is seeing ex husband today, and I'm really anxious. He sees his father about 2-3 times a year. This will be the second time this year he has seen him. Divorced ex due to serious DV. Spoke to older sister a couple of days ago and expressed my concern. She said she'd hate him going to see him too. She also said that she thought if I'd stayed with ex he would probably have killed me. DS has just turned 17 and knows his father was violent to me. We spoke about it for the first time a few weeks ago.
I know some on here might say, oh get over yourself already, and DS is old enough to look after himself. But, this doesn't stop me worrying about him.
I know DS has a right to see his father, but why do I always feel so uneasy and paranoid every time he goes to see him?

Your feelings are perfectly understandable. In time, DS will possibly stop seeing his dad at all. His first loyalty is to you and I think his increasing awareness of his dad's past behaviour may lead to the breakdown of his relationship with his dad.

This sounds terrible, but I wish he didn't have a r/s with his dad at all! DS has left to see him now and I'm already waiting until he is home safely. DS says he doesn't like spending time with his father, but he is very loyal to him. Oh God, why is life so horrible sometimes.

My kids are very loyal to their dad too, although the eldest (nearly 15) is becoming more aware of who he is and how unacceptable his behaviour towards her has been, at times. She sees him weekly in school hols, fortnightly in term time, but has been reluctant to spend time there recently. That's why I think it might be just a matter of time for your DS too. I have been quite open with her about his emotional abuse and difficulties in relating to others, as it became obvious she had quite an insight due to her own experiences with him. I know there's a 'don't badmouth the ex' school of thought, but in cases of abuse, I think you need to use your own judgement.

I've made a point not to bad mouth the ex, over the years. Had to stop DS seeing his father as he was hitting him, and bad mouthing me when he was about 12/13 yrs old. Now DS is older, we had a chat about DV for the first time just the other day. It wasn't a long chat as DS said he didn't want to speak about it, understandably, poor love. I showed him the book 'Why does he do that, inside the mind of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft as advertised on here, and suggested by a friend.
I'm conscious that DS is still young, and don't want to influence him either way. But, as you say, in cases of abuse, judgement has to be thought about in for safety and mental health.