requesting increase of child support ex pays

[whatthewhatthebleep]

the agreement is a private one so no csa involvement was needed....but...the amount ex pays per month into my acc has been the same for 5yrs.

Ex has had 2 promotions since then with his career in army...My DS is now hitting puberty and is size 8 shoes and I can barely keep up with the costs to cloth, shoes and food...omg...kitchen is never closed!!!

So I came across a website 'army pay scales' and had a look at the salary levels for each position...then I went onto moneysupermarket and found child maintenance calculator ......

I was stunned...truly!!
Put it this way...according to pay scale average for ex's rank and this calculator thingy....he's actually only fulfilling about a 3rd of the totals it gave me!!!!

SO...I have sent a text (I know this the worst way to communicate but this is all he will allow us)...very controlling, bitter, strange type (lots of nasty history I won't go into)

Requesting some negotiation to increase the amount and that I have taken some prof advice about this but that it would be simpler to continue a private arrangement.....as things are now....

Now I am just waiting.....worrying...nervous a bit (he hates my very existence) stopped making any effort to see DS since new year time....and has never been consistent with seeing DS and never phones him regardless that DS has his own phone and it was the one main reason I bought him a phone when he was 9yrs (now almost 12yrs)...he has phoned 1/2 times and nothing more since first he got the phone and gave his DF the number. DS gave up around march this year...DF always too busy, working , whatever..never phoning back or anything...very sad for DS to manage.

Ex is married (4.5yrs ago)..DW doesn't want any kids apparentely...so no other dependents involved that I have ever known about anywhere....

How long would you wait for an answer about this before going down a more official route?.....he has to know this has been going on too long and it's about time he stepped up and at least supported his DS upbringing realistically....and I know can afford to...

Sorry...it's a bit long guys x

I would wait a week then send another text repeating the previous info but adding if you didn't hear within 7 days you would be contacting CSA to enquire about next steps - maybe mention that taking that route would add an admin charge to his payment!

lol....admin charges...
yes I think I'll make contact again next week and explain that I will go forward another way if he is not in contact to discuss things...say end of july?...trying to be fair and allow time to digest and re-think finance and decide possible increase....

In the meantime, download the forms and get them filled in - that way, if he doesn't respond well to the request to support his child, you can get straight on with the claim, as they don't back date. I dithered for for YEARS before contacting the CSA, but it was the best thing I ever did - as a friend said, it is DD's money so I don't really have the right to deny her it!

good idea...I'll do that....let him know I have them ready to go maybe...if it looks like it's going to be difficult, etc...it might be the tipper on him making a decent increase

yes his DS is entitled to the best up-bringing his parents can give him...there' shouldn't be any argument should there...hhmmm...if only he could care enough...

this is the DF that told me a few months back that he couldn't find any 'extra' to help towards DS's school trip!!!

my response was....and are you going to tell/explain this to DS are you? ...no... once again you couldn't care less what happens...ffffffffffbstard!!!!

That is so weird - that is what tipped me over the edge, too! DD was desparate to go on a school ski-ing trip that I just couldn't afford - ex agreed to pay half. (Given this was 5 years after we split and he had given me nothing at all in that time) I signed her up for it, paid the deposit and the first installment. When the time came to pay his half - he had 'decided not to'.

I had to ask my Dad for the money - I was straight on to the CSA after that.

omgffingg!!!...i so fxxking detest this excuse for human

just had a text back....appparentely he has just been locating and organising his payslips and calculating any pay rises he's had....he has calculated that he is due £6 extrapm but he will make it to £10 so its an even number to transfer from his acc to mine!!!!
hahahahahahahahaha...yea right smartfuckingstupidfuckerpants....then he tells me obtw since he's leaving the army next year I had better get organised with any of my finances as payments will likely stop if he isn't working....

So I text back to discuss whether this will mean he will have time for his DS and whatnot...he says NO...probably not!!!!

fffffffffssshhshshshshshsffffbbbbbbbbbgggrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

so I also ask him to confirm what rank in army he is now and what calculation was he using that brought him to this figure.....and I got a text back with 'lol'

So fuck the cuntyshithead....I text back...said it's fine if he want s to be awkward...I have the forms for the csa here and am ready to send them off...and whilst I am doing this I will raise any backdated losses that may be due...afterall it is about the best upbringing for his son and thats the fact...no argument there....I don't mind either way...it's up to him if this is the route he would prefer to take now.....

I don't give a squirrel fart about being fxxking reasonable and nice anymore...take the situ all the way now...I don't care...fuckingcuntyshitheadbstard....no more!!!!! fucking raging ....

Feel better a bit for my ranting too....forms ahoy..ball rolling on monday morning...!!!!

Listen ... I know it is aged but don't get into this banter with him .. Questioning his rank and pay grade isn't going to make him into a more reasonable nan. Go to the csa. Thar way it's official and there is no need for getting so wound up ... You are letting him control your emotions and affect your life. He sounds like a knob who doesn't deserve any of your time and energy.

you are so right and I hate to be having to make contact with him at all...but I have this desire to always know I am being as fair as is right and I'm probably stupid but it seemed right to give him an option either way and negotiate first....

that has probably been my downfall in the past too since he's been taking the piss for years really...

anyway I've made my level/amount known to him...he is frantically now trying to work out whether I'm serious or whether he can employ further tactics to reduce the amount...I'm not budging though...told him it's his choice...I am not bothered either way he wants to take it.....

just awaiting reply then have suggested getting it written up and legal witnessed statements to this affect so there can be no fuck ups...it would be csa if he does piss about....he knows I'm very serious and he realises I have the advantage too as he knows what I'm proposing is still probably less than csa would order....I told him I know I'm not being greedy, just realistic and fair....ball is in his court.....

waiting.......will update when I know his answer....

I felt much like you. I spent 18 months try to get xh to be reasonble and pay maintenance. I realise now that I was wasting my time trying to show him that I wanted to be fair, and hoping that he would see that and do the same.

I was scared of his reaction if I went to the CSA, but eventually I reached a place where I felt able to do so. Even then I told them that if they did the assessment we would arrange to transfer the money ourselves. That was a mistake as all he did was ignore their letters.

In the end I asked them to collect it. It was very straightforward, I had already given them the details of his employers, and as he wasn't paying they just contacted his company and they paid it and deducted it from his wages - and I had the money coming through within a month or so.

I regret not having done that sooner as the CSA would only backdate it to the point that I asked for the attachment of earnings. And while I had been afraid of how he would react, he actually said nothing immediately but clearly quietly seethed. He does bring it up (he even thinks the CSA are acting illegally as it's HIS money!) but I just say "look, legally you have to share supporting your daughter and you wouldn't". So the furore I was expecting didn't happen.

He also tried to tell the CSA that he was having dd more than he actually was. He realised that if he had dd more then he would pay less. All I had to do was provide the CSA with a list of dates this year that he had had her, and they refused to change the assessment.

I suppose my advice would be not to beat around the bush. Give him deadlines and stick to them, and make sure that your ds has what's due to him. You aren't doing anything wrong or malicious by using the authorities that are available to you.

well done whatthe that is a very good point clouds made about the csa going to his employers.

In your case then the Army would know what a shit father he is.

Go for it you are only doing the best for your dc and stop trying to be 'fair' to him he isn't being fair to his own dc!

as I've left the ball in his court so to speak...I wonder that I should be giving that a deadline....
so I think I will let him know I have an appt to see my solicitior again on wednesday next week and if I don't hear from him by then I will take the matter through my solicitor and the Army for it to be settled that way.

I'll update soon...thanks for your advice and support here...I really just want what is right for my DS....

ex has said he will be 'out' of the army in a year or so...probably he won't have work so payments will stop....but...I also know that the pension he gets comes as a lump sum plus a longterm package..so...I will make arrangements through solicitor about applying for this through the army when it comes around....maybe the army will continue the payments from 'source' deductions from this pension hand shake he will get??? Need to ask about this....

Just been telling someone else (also fuming about maintenance) speak to child maintenance options .. I spoke to them last week and they are really really helpful !!! People there are so nice and can explain all the different avenues you have as regards to maintenance. They also told me about their online chat service they offer which is great if you have no time to pick up the phone and call :)

Hope this helps & good luck !!

Hi louise could you give me the contact details you have...I need to find out more about all this...

I've not actually got an appt yet to see a solicitior or anything...it's just what I told the ex I was doing...

cos he's army and I only know his rank from 12yrs ago and I know this must have shifted through promotions in some way...I can't do a realistic calculation or anything...

well...the update is crap....ex has ignored my suggestions for increasing the amount...
I'm now just going to have to go forward with csa application and do things that way...
My worry now is how long this will all take to be assessed, etc???that he will be slow to respond and delay their requests, etc
That in the meantime he will stop paying anything and I'm going to be really struggling to make any ends meet...
Feel like I've shot myself in the bloody foot now :( ...making my situation worse instead of better...
I feel sick right now...omg!!!...what have I done to us????....

im guessing you have looked at the csa calculator?
how much is he paying you now if you dont mind me asking.

Ring the csa straight away, and let them sort the issue. Start reducing expenses for the time being in case he stops paying while the issue is being sorted. Don't send any more letters/texts to him, they won't help the situation and will make things more stressful for you.

My ex went to CSA as he wanted to reduce the monthly payments (I know...and it was only by £55 too tight arse! anyway it did not take long to process and they back date it to the date your claim went in so it doesn't matter if he doesn't pay you as he will have to in the end. Also state to the CSA you want it to come straight out of his wages and then it will rise with his pay rises.

Do you know what Army unit he is in? If so call his welfare officer and state that you are having a problem communicating with him about money for your son. The army hates fathers not paying for their children and may give him a kick up the arse. Plus if he is leaving the army and if he has done over 12 years he will get a pension and a pay out so please please go to CSA as although he may think he can get away without paying you if he has done over 12 years you will still get some money.

Another option is to go to SSAFA and they will help you find him and speak on your behalf. SSAFA were great with me and helped me a lot and managed to help reduce my loan that my twat of an ex left me to pay. Also try British Legion because as your son is a child of someone in the Army you can get help too and they also run holidays that you can go on for free...holiday park ones I think. Both organisations are very supportive and helpful and have dealt with useless fathers a lot. Give them a call and let us know how you get on.

Oh and if he does stop paying you in the mean time then SSAFA and the British Legion will help you out financially until it is resolved and the Army will be really pissed at him for that and he will get called in on it and it may affect his career. You have not shot yourself in the foot by any means please do go to SSAFA and British Legion.

I never thought that trying to contact the army directly would help me as we were not married???
I'm in scotland ...he has a house up here but he took a posting down south and I know what rank he was 12yrs ago but have no idea about now and what regiment he's in or anything...and I doubt the army would tell me either....

He sent me a text last night to offer a £30 increase in what he's been paying...but the csa will be phoning me within the next few days and I don't know if they can find out discreetly from the army to work out what their calculation would be....can they gather this info without him knowing???

so...it's now going through the csa....I got some advice relevant to pay scales and how they work out, etc and now know roughly what should be assessed, etc

sent ex/p a text to this effect...he says I have no shame!!!....I think he obviously has no shame and I'm the fool to have thought he could ever be 'fair' and doing as he should for his child

Safe to say he is extremely upset and angry at me... but no change there!!!

Getting back to csa today to go forward with my application.
I also think this is the best route now as he will be leaving the army next year and receiving the gratuity payments and pension...which will automatically be included for assessment too, as I think I would have a tough time otherwise.

Just have to go with it now....csa advised that they should have details for me within 4weeks and def by 6weeks...unless there are any delays from Army if they have to go this route at all....

thank you for the ssafa and british legion links....I will contact them both for any advice or help they can offer.

My ex/p was very good at keeping me in the dark and had a few things going on with his finances that he would never discuss, etc apart from that I knew nothing about what position I may have been in to have asked for assistance or help through the Army....I never knew I could have done this and assumed because we were never married that they wouldn't have helped me. I should have realised that as he is a parent this would have been enough to have accessed help before now...

thanks so much for telling me about this....just have to wait now and see what happens....if he stops payments while this is being assessed then maybe I can access some help financially and pay it back or something....

phoned ssafa....they can't help me at all as I cannot give enough details about the father/soldier...I can only give his full name and address and where he was stationed from 12yrs ago...I don't have any details that are upto date so they can't process/offer a thing to me....dead end and a real pity too as they could have made applications for things through the benevolent funds, etc to have helped us :(

really? I am surprised by that. Have you tried the British Legion? Not sure if this number will help you but give them a try

'The Army Personnel Centre Helpdesk (0845 600 9663) provides assistance to Army units, outside agencies and the general public who are enquiring about the disclosure of information held on officers and soldiers.'

Otherwise the CSA will be able to track him easily anyway and he has to give an address to them and also a national insurance number and from there you should be able to access SSAFA and British Legion.

I would also said him a text and ask him for his rank and number and that you have to been to both SSAFA and the British Legion. I would state that unless he provides you with this it will look very badly on them when both organisations go to his welfare and state that he has been obstructive with information and failing to provide enough for his son. I did this and got a text with my ex national insurance number straight away.

I have sent ex/p a text to ask for the details and explained that I have spoken to ssafa and their advice was that he should tell me these details as the Army will look unfavourable upon fathers being obstructive and not willing to provide the necessary details so that families can access support and assistance properly...

doubt I'll get any response though...
I'll try this number you have given me happylander...I'll phone in the morning and see if they can help with info, etc....data protection and confidentiality tells me they won't be able to tell me much though...maybe???

Might have to wait for the csa to do the leg work and then I should have the details I need to access anything else...

I've got a stinking headache now...:(