Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Dispute over contact

22 replies

supasooz · 13/07/2012 09:23

Hi all
I find myself at my wits end and would like to know if I am acting fairly and reasonably.
Got divorced 3 years ago. Have been completely flexible with contact arrangements for ex to see our two boys (now 11 and 8). However the more I accommodate his changes the more rude and disrespectful the ex is to me afterwards. He is nice when he asks and I always feel sympathetic towards him but then after he had got his way he finds cause to be rude to me in front of the children and text me abusive things.
He shows no interest in the boys' schooling (homework or open Eve's) and allows the boys to spend a lot of time on their games consoles when he has them (every other weekend).
Last time I changed to accommodate him, he chose to see them for 2 hours out of his normal 48. One of those days was the reason for him asking but the other he was local and chose to pick them up at 5 instead of 9 (it was even fathers day).
Anyway, the boys are going to cub/scout camp and it happens to fall over 'his' weekend. They have always been involved with scouts and the eldest has been to cub camp every year so it's nothing out of the ordinary. It's just this year it affects him. So he has said he wants to have the children either the weekend before (which is youngests birthday and party on the Saturday and family friends party on Sunday) or the weekend after (when they've just got back from camp. I have said no.
He and his girlfriend have gone mad, saying that I'm using the children as weapons and denying him access. They have even suggested that the children should be missing camp because it falls on his weekend! How is that putting the children first?!
I admit that I could accommodate him one night each weekend but tbh I don't want the stress of dealing with his abuse afterwards. I have been trying for years to build a better relationship with him but he hates me (for leaving him) and takes any opportunity to ruin my plans. I have even had him over for Christmas and Easter when he would have spent it alone to try to build bridges but even then he snipes at me the whole time.
Am I being unfair in not giving up my weekend with the boys? Should I be able to tolerate his rudeness and shouting without it affecting my decisions regarding flexibilty? Please tell me what you think as its driving me crazy trying to do right by the children but not wanting to be subjected to his rudeness on the other.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 13/07/2012 10:21

I think you are right, I think he is using the boys to continue to abuse you and I think he does not see their activities, development and social lives as important at all.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 13/07/2012 10:39

If anyone is using them as a weapon its him. To even suggest they miss camp is a clear sign he has no consideration for their lives.

You are completely right. They have plans, its not you changing the arrangements for selfish reasons. So stand your ground. It sounds like its always been what suits him (which I can understand, you did what was best for DCs) but now that you need to change it he doesnt like it.

Stand your ground. As for the abusive texts/comments, tell him it is unacceptable and you wont be replying to any such texts in future. And stick to it no matter how hard it is.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 13/07/2012 10:51

I feel for you. Stand your ground. I usually change/rearrange stuff for XH to have kids so I miss weekends rather than him (as I have them in the week) but he doesn't abuse me, if he did he'd get short shrift!

As others said he isn't putting the children's needs first. My XH does this too, the children are not allowed to attend any birthday parties in his weekends, it makes me :( for them but I think as they get older they will realise for themselves his interests always come first!

3xcookedchips · 13/07/2012 10:58

So, the two of you dont get on and he doesnt respect you. What is the problem with allowing him seeing the kids the w/e they come back from camp? Sounds like they will not have seen their father more than 2 weeks by that time.

Have you asked him round to join in either of the birthday parties?

I agree they should go to camp but equally dont see why they cant see thier father afterwards.

Original poster
supasooz · 13/07/2012 11:19

Thanks for all your comments.

In answer to the last one...
I always invite him to come to their parties. He never does.
As I explained he is always abusive if I agree outside of normal times and I just can't face the stress of it.
When they get back from camp I won't have seen them for a week. He won't have seen them for abt 10 days. They'll be tired and need baths and have the biggest bag of washing. I think they'll need down time.

I can totally understand his point if he was a hands on actively involved dad. He isn't. He doesn't even take his holiday in school holidays do he can spend time with them...

OP posts:
Original poster
supasooz · 13/07/2012 11:23

And also....

I have had a new partner for nearly a year now. He is very good with the boys and supports and encourages them. When he came to watch the youngest one play football my ex stormed off. My bf is a laid back sociable guy and would have liked to have 'made friends' with ex but he refuses to accept that he is part of their lives.

On the other hand he and his gf are buying a house together and I have been actively trying to build a good relationship between her and the boys.

OP posts:
ChocHobNob · 13/07/2012 11:48

Would the children like to see Dad? Maybe they could go for one night over the weekend they come back. That way they get to see you both. How is he abusive? Phone? In person? Dont let him be. Hang up the phone. Don't read texts. Walk away from him. He can't be abusive if you don't acknowledge him. If he tries to continue then contact the police to get a harassment warning.

cestlavielife · 13/07/2012 12:42

if they justt chillax at dads then no problem for them to be with him when they back from camp.

let them come to you from camp; then either later that day (if they back in the moning) or next day go to dads. that should not be a big deal.

at the end of the day you see them more than he does so show how reasonable you are.

make all haqdnovers quici - in any case they old enough to walk out the door to his car or out your car to his front door on their own .

so you should not need to have any face to face contact at all.

JabberJay · 13/07/2012 13:51

So when they come back from camp they'll be tired and need baths- can they not chill out at their dads and have a bath there? You wouldn't have seen them for a week but he wouldn't have seen them for much longer, do you think you miss them more than he does then.

Let them see their dad for at least one night the weekend they get back.

Yes, he is being an arse asking them to miss camp though, but guess he's upset he won't see them for ages if you say to him that the weekend before and after are out of the question.

Original poster
supasooz · 13/07/2012 15:02

I accept what you're saying but what I don't understand is... If he can cope without seeing them when it suits his social life, why can't he cope when it suits theirs?

OP posts:
balia · 13/07/2012 15:06

I think you need to disengage! Stop second guessing him or trying to understand what or why he does things.

The issue of the weekends is a bit unreasonable - if they only get to see Dad once a fortnight then the time should be replaced. In this situation, if you knew when the camp was, it would have been reasonable to sort out an alternative in advance.

The bigger issue is the abuse, though. You should not have to accept abusive texts or rudeness in front of the children.

Original poster
supasooz · 13/07/2012 15:19

In fairness I did try to discuss the dates months ago. He didn't want to.

OP posts:
JeffTracy · 13/07/2012 15:25

I agree with exactly what balia said.

heyho · 13/07/2012 16:11

Is there any reason he can only see them at weekends? If he saw them during the week as well then you would have more alternatives to juggle. It also might encourage him to become more involved with their schooling. Best of luck to all of you.

Original poster
supasooz · 13/07/2012 16:23

Sorry I should have said he does have them on a Tuesday from 6pm until school drop off too.

Thanks for all your advice and comments. I'm finding it helpful although uncomfortable. Lol

OP posts:
balia · 13/07/2012 16:32

What method do you use to organise contact? I think email is very useful - then you have a record of who said what. You can then also, in this kind of situation, alert him to a problem and propose a solution (eg swapping a weekend) but if he has form for not responding/sorting it out, you can add something like 'unless I hear from you by xxx with an alternative proposal, I'll assume you are happy with this one'.

aokay · 13/07/2012 18:26

have similar issues with abuse etc/ ex very unpredictable and can get quite abusive at handovers etc - I always walk away. Suspect your ex would be more polite if you communicated in writing by text or email as record would build up and if hes really abusive you could take action. Think some posters giving you a hard time but I'd suggest asking your boys what they'd prefer to do - woudl they like to spend the sat night & sunday (after camp)with dad for example?
as for ex and gf going mad - ignore them, this stuff will crop up increasingly as boys get older - they have to realise social life important to your kids and they have to be flexible. If they're being really awful, write to him and suggest you discuss solutions to this scenario - would he like weekday contact if they're busy at the w/e for instance/ good luck and hope your kids enjoy camp.

Original poster
supasooz · 13/07/2012 18:30

After giving the matter a lot of thought, I have text to say that if he would like to have them Saturday night its ok with me. Have also said that I think we need to sit down together and try to improve communications to avoid the arguing.
I just hope he doesn't kick off like last time. He seems to do it just to regain control in some bizarre way.

Thank you all for your comments (especially the more supportive ones!)

Susan
X

OP posts:
mamas12 · 14/07/2012 14:46

DISENGAGE
I think it's a very bad idea to 'sit down' with him and try and work things out. IT won't work.
Stop entering into discussions with him
It doesn't work.

Just organise things with the dcs best interests in mind by email with a set time/daet to get back to you and IGNORE all abuse.

Get someone else to do handovers or send the dcs out to car before he gets out so he doesn't get the chance to abuse you. (which is child abuse as he is doing it in front of them)

If you have to let him know something email him - don't put notes in kids bags,
Good luck

OctopusSocktopuss · 14/07/2012 14:53

I have the same kind of situation op, except my ex doesn't really want them at all unless it suits him. I've put my foot dian now and emailed him 6 weeks worth Of dates he can have them.

In your position I'd let him pick them up from camp, along with all the washing etc. then have then back after a few days (he will have to sort out the smelly clothes!). Let him deal with day to day stuff.

Original poster
supasooz · 14/07/2012 18:05

Lol @ octopus! He doesn't do washing ever! The children's clothes are shoved in a bag and left on my doorstep!

OP posts:
121 · 14/07/2012 21:06

Eek! Don't sit down with him!

Sorry - meant to start by saying, I think you're right - you do need to sort communications out. However, as pp's have said, email sounds like a fab idea. It's just nice and official, also, even if he wasn't being abusive, it means that if one of you forgets a date or a time, you can go back and check easy peasy.

I'd also try to keep any sort of contact to a minimum, so bare essentials! In the interests of this, it'd probably be better to arrange 'blocks' of contact, rather than visit by visit e.g. for the next six weeks or whatever... Times, venues, handover details.

Ha ha, love it how I'm offering all my wisdom - I haven't got a blinking clue, my ex hasn't seen the kids once since he went!!!Good luck! Smile

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread