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Original poster

how do you let go of the anger?

19 replies

legohouse · 10/07/2012 20:16

basically,ex husband left nearly 18 mths ago,has new woman and has little now to do with our kids...he does see them but only when it suits him.

Just asked him when he plans on seeing them over the summer hols,he says he's on a course and basically hasn't commited to any time with them..i know that this is lies,he will be going away with her and her two kids and i feel angry,let down,upset and dissapointed...i don't want to feel all these things

How can i stop this bitterness? i need a brain enema lol!!

OP posts:
savy57 · 10/07/2012 20:38

lols i dont think there is an easy answer to that one, everybody is different. For me i feel for the first time in about 2 years that ive really only just stopped being angry and some what bitter
i felt really angry for a long time probaly because i was slightly jelouse if im honest that he got to move on with his life within 5 mins of breake up has new ready made family can go out when ever he wants see's ds when he see's fit, i really could go on all day but i have realised that i can spend my life full of anger or just see life how it is
i get to spend every waken moment with ds ive never missed his bday or xmas and never will i get to see and tresure some of the best memories with ds that his daddy will never see or even know of because hes to much of an arse to even care
what i have started to do though which for me was one of the main things because like you it use to make me so angry and upset is i never EVER tell ds his dad is coming for him because atleast if he doesnt turn up i no longer have to deal with an upset ds, i also never wait in for him to arrive anymore i used to sit in all day waiting/hoping he would show for ds but now i just make my plans i give him half an hour after he says he will be hear if he doesnt arrive i go out and do whatever it was i was going to do and again ds is totaly none the wiser :)

STIDW · 10/07/2012 21:01

I found it easier once I accepted my ex couldn't be relied upon, there wasn't anything I could do about it and made contingency plans.

Original poster
legohouse · 10/07/2012 21:26

savy..good on you...hope i will eventually get to that point x

OP posts:
Original poster
legohouse · 10/07/2012 21:27

STIDW yes...the way to go...

OP posts:
savy57 · 10/07/2012 21:32

you will :) you just need to work out what annoys and angers you the most and just find a solution to it. Nt always as easy as it sounds but for me it was a must in order to move on with my life. its not healthy for you to keep building up the anger i was making myself ill just show him your the bigger person and nothing he does bothers you. Hope you sort it for yourself and you dc :)

Original poster
legohouse · 10/07/2012 21:39

thanks savy ((hug))

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 10/07/2012 22:21

Ex never ceases to amaze me with the stunts that he pulls. 6 months ago, an email or phone call could send me into a spiral of despair. It's crept up gradually but now, I roll my eyes at the latest rant or change of goal posts and ignore.

The main thing you can do is ensure that the kids have a strong and solid 'base' - a constant source of safety whilst their dad plays his games.

Happylander · 10/07/2012 23:10

It just goes. I was like you and couldn't see how I was ever going to get passed the anger etc about ex's lack of what I call proper parenting and putting DS needs ahead of his own. I just realised I can't change him and his opinion differs to mine and decided to change my attitude to it all. I could not stand to live with the anger any more as the only people it was hurting was me and in a way my DS. Although I am sure there will be times when I will be pissed off I do think that you basically reach melt down and think 'fuck this he is still ruining my life by making me angry and I won't allow it any more'

Lots of people on here say that you get to a point when his behaviour just won't have the same impact and they are right. Stay strong and focus on the good things, always have a back up plan and also just shrug your shoulders when he doesn't turn up and not rant at him. It gets better when you make that decision not that I am saying you rant at him by the way!

kinkyfuckery · 10/07/2012 23:14

Good luck.

I separated from ex nearly 4 years ago (sheesh that's flown by!) and he still astounds me regularly with his absolute assholeness! I have the most awesome friend that I can call the second he leaves/I hang up the phone/receive a message and rant at down the phone, then I breathe and for the most part let it pass. Most of the time, it's much easier to deal with his cuntishness, but sometimes it still -regretfully - gets the best of me!

Patienceobtainsallthings · 11/07/2012 01:05

Started kick boxing .

MissMogwi · 11/07/2012 20:31

You will find that one day you no longer get angry or upset at him. Because, sadly, you expect the promises not kept and the lengthy descriptions as to why he can't see the DC or pay maintenance.

I find that by just living our lives, making plans and carrying on as normal, he no longer has the ability to piss me off. It removes the power from him as we don't sit waiting for him to turn up and any money he gives me is a 'bonus'.

TBH now and again I do get upset that he doesn't want to do and be more for his daughters, but ultimately it's his loss.

MissMogwi · 11/07/2012 20:35

I also play 'Bullshit Bingo' (not out loud of course) where I mentally tick off the same old excuses.

Skint...check!
I told you I was on a course/holiday/in space...check!
My wife says this/that/insert horrible comment to divert attention from himself...check

HOUSE!!

Yes I am childish, but it is funny. I even get in there first now to save him time.

savy57 · 11/07/2012 23:11

miss mogwi that actualy made me lol

121 · 11/07/2012 23:16

Anger is totally underrated. Why shouldn't you feel angry? Do you have to go through life with a smile pinned to your cheeks? Who for? Smile

Victoria3012 · 11/07/2012 23:26

missmogwi that really made me laugh. My ex works his way through the bullshit bingo checklist every month Smile. You have given me a good laugh and a new name for his lame excuses. Thank you xx

Emmielu · 12/07/2012 06:27

Bullshit bingo sounds soo much fun!!!
I write it all down. Well, I type it now cause I can get a bit harsh with the paper & my pen. But once it's written & tucked away in a file I kinda have a feel of relief & sometimes I even read back on them & see how my reaction was back then.

If not I also mumble to myself.

Original poster
legohouse · 12/07/2012 15:50

bullshit bingo lol!

i do not want to waste any more thoughts or emotions on this manchild...i want a delete button!!

OP posts:
lowercase · 12/07/2012 17:28

stop expecting anything
dont call him, contact him, consider him.
if he calls you, discuss only arrangements, dont get into dialogue, if he baits you dont retaliate as it starts the anger again.
if you start feeling angry, feeling like acting out and having a pop at him,, quickly turn your thoughts to something else, ring/text someone and ask how they are, ask the DC if they would like to read a book/ do a jigsaw/ bake a cake...
all the rubbish still hurts, i feel justified to be angry, but i know it only hurts me so i dont act on it anymore, thus giving myself a chance and space to get over it.
in a nutshell, dont feed the anger with thought or actions.
divert to helping others / healthy activity.
it works for me.

fizzfiend · 13/07/2012 08:34

One day I realised my anger was only affecting one person: me. It was tying me up in knots and making me bitter and horrible. The last thing I wanted was this annoying person to make me feel worse - how dare they have that power over me.

It was quite a revelation: what a lot of time I'd wasted fuming and feeling the injustice. That day I just stopped being angry. It was such a release. Now I try never to be angry, try to smile as much as possible. My life has changed. Sounds so simple but it worked for me. Of course I get angry now and again, but then I just try and forget it

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